Jokes

[veryblueeyes]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"

 

[Succulent-one]

"Baking Making "

Ingredients:

2 Loving eyes.
2 Loving arms
2 Well shaped legs
2 Firm milk containers
1 Fur lined mixing bowl
2 Large nuts
1 Large banana
Method:
Look into loving eyes.
Fold in loving arms
Spread well shaped legs
Squeeze and massage milk containers gently until fur lined milking bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
Add banana - work in and out until well creamed.
Cover with nuts and sigh with relief.
Cake done when banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl!
P.S. If cake begins to rise, leave town immediately!!!!

 

[Succulent-one]

This blonde comes up to her mom and asks: "Do babies come out where guys put their thingies?"
Her mom, astounded says, "Why yes!"
She replies, "But wouldn't your teeth hurt?

 

[Succulent-one]

The Patient

Joe and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool when Joe suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Joe out.



When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered
her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged;

since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays

sound mindedness. The bad news is that Joe, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.

I am so sorry, but he's dead."



To which Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. ...How soon can I go home?

 

[veryblueeyes]

This blonde comes up to her mom and asks: "Do babies come out where guys put their thingies?"
Her mom, astounded says, "Why yes!"
She replies, "But wouldn't your teeth hurt?

LMAO at that one!!!

 

[veryblueeyes]

Any of the computer geeks out there will understand this one.

When the Software industry had badly gone down, three software giants. Sun, SCO(UNIX), and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them Java-condom, CondomiX, and MS-Condoms Me respectively. A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom didn't fit correctly. Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard". They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure. Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he would finish reading the instructions given along with it, his wife would fall asleep, and he himself would forget why he was using CondomiX. Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms Me. To his surprise it was so good and comfortable! He used it happily. Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got the following reply from Microsoft: A PATCH IS COMING SOON...!!

 

[done_got_old]

I haven't been following the thread so if this has been posted, I'm sorry.

A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans attended
a game at Sox Park. They were still on their honeymoon and
very affectionate, hugging and kissing so much that they
weren't able to follow the game.

After a couple of seconds of thought the wife says, "I've got
an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you
on the balls."

 

[Succulent-one]

New Baby

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings over to the parents, a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy.
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and
Mrs.Wong name the baby?"

The puzzled father, looks at his new baby boy and says,

"Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we

will name him Sum Ting Wong".

 

[Succulent-one]

10 Ways you know you are married to a Cop.


10. When you start an argument, he calls for back-up
9. Refers to bedroom as "The Pokey"
8. Secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie
7. Calls farting his "silent alarm"
6. The obvious night-stick reference.
5. You never hear him say, " OH, Man.... not donuts again !!"
4. Refers to his winkie as "the ol' breathalyzer!"
3. Stops you in the middle of sex to ask you if you knew how fast you were going.
2. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore.
1. YES, that IS a gun in his pocket!

 

[Succulent-one]

A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS.

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day

 

[dcraz]

Keyhole

One day a little girl comes around the corner and sees her brother looking through the keyhole of their parents bedroom door. “Billy! What are you doing?” Billy holds up a finger to his mouth motioning her to be quiet and the waves her over for a look.

The little girl bends over and looks through the keyhole for a moment. When she raises back up she is obviously mad as hell about something.

“What’s wrong?” Billy asks.

The little girl stands with her hands on her hips and proclaims, “This is the same women that tell me not to suck my thumb!”

 

[Succulent-one]

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss
hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany
doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are
named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'

 

[Succulent-one]

Army Issue

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee Mountain
man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a
toothbrush.
That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.
The Army is still looking for him.

 

[Succulent-one]

Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Al and Joe are bungee jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."
Joe agrees, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin setting up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they finally finish, there is such a crowd that they think it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and he's almost unconscious.

Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd... what the hell is a piñata?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Handy Cleaning Tips

Dirt
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs
Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them &call them holiday decorations.)


Pet Hair
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

Guests
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the doorknob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting
If dust is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

General Cleaning
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck - always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean

 

[Succulent-one]

Advertising

The boss of Stone Marketing calls a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathers, the employer, who understands the benefits of having fun, tells the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting is to have a quick contest. The theme is Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule is that they must use past ad slogans originally written for other products that capture the essence of Viagra. Slight variations are acceptable.

After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week goes very well for everyone.

The top ten:

10. Viagra, Whaaazzzzz Up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis ... This is your penis on drugs...

 

[Succulent-one]

You know you're a Redneck when...

An Arkansas redneck passed away and left his entire
estate in trust for his beloved widow. She can't touch
it until she's fourteen.

Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of
18 or more. They were told "17 and under not admitted."

They have just raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32!! It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.

It's true! In Mississippi reruns of "Hee Haw" are
called documentaries.

You know you're staying in a Kentucky hotel when you
call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my
sink" and the person at the front desk says,"Go ahead!
You paid for the room."

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married? There's
dried snuf spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery...Yeah,
the winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock,
Arkansas almost burned down. In fact, it pert'near
took out the whole trailer park.

A law recently changed in North Carolina now states:
"When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and
sister."

An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He
asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said "Bout
what?"

 

[Icey*Fire]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

 

[1sexylady]

I got one.... Now I am lousy at jokes but I remembered this one.

What did one DNA say to the Other DNA?







Do these genes make me look fat?

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

I just love this one:

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

Bump

 

[herestoya]

Hows this?

Anybody.....

 

[herestoya]

another....

 

[dcraz]

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits
and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or
wine?" "Oh no", I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing /
ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?" "No I don't", I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No", I said. "I have never done any of those things."

" He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a sh!t if you live to be 80?

 

[Succulent-one]

Life is all about ass;
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one.