Jokes

[carrie-on]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds." and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

 

[carrie-on]

A man is seated at a restaurant. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress, wearing a very short skirt, and with legs that won't quit, comes over to his table.

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu, then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom, and says "A quickie."

She walks away in utter disgust. After regaining her composure, she returns."What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out. "A quickie, please."

Her anger takes over. She slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK, and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over. "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

 

[Joey3308]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the
coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly
sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away
and said to the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up
before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized that the female was becoming reluctant to
follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

 

[carrie-on]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties and used them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded home.
The next day, one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home last night with no panties!" "That's nothing!" said the other husband. "My wife came home with a card stuck in the crack of her butt that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you!'."

 

[Joey3308]

A guy is out with buddies and has a few drinks and is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home.
He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open,
so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks -
"What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear".

 

[alwaysawake]

This one is a classic!

 

[tonitits]

Meet You in Heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?", the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?", her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

 

[Guest]

http://www.imgmag.com/images/jasmine/nailed.gif


i hate when that happens !!!!



I hope it works this time !!!! *sigh*

 

[Succulent-one]

Ahhhh Friends

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER


May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the
crotch of the person who screws up your day
and may their arms be too short to scratch...

 

[Icey*Fire]

A cute pic of a 'cat & mouse'...

http://www.aardvarkarchie.com/pictures/images/animals/animal001.jpg

 

[Icey*Fire]

Bitten off more than we can chew??

http://www.aardvarkarchie.com/pictures/images/animals/animal004.jpg

 

[Icey*Fire]

Turn it down a bit!!!!!!

http://www.aardvarkarchie.com/pictures/images/animals/animal011.jpg

 

[Guest]

aww those are sooo sweet Icey !!

 

[alwaysawake]

Now we go from cute to tacky...LOL

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station and tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

[Joey3308]

Three men were in a sauna. An Italian, a German, and a Pollack.
Suddenly, they heard a beeping noise. The Italian guy pushed a few buttons on his hand and then told the others that he had a chip installed in his hand to allow him to be paged.
Then, they heard a ring and the German man pushed a button on his hand and put his hand up to his ear and carried a conversation.
After pressing another button on his hand the German man said that he had a chip installed in his hand to allow him to receive calls.
The Polish man excuses himself to use the bathroom.
He comes back, with a piece of toilet paper trailing from his butt.
The other men laugh and point. The Polish man cranes his neck around to look.
He says, "Wow! I must have gotten a fax!"

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.lnn.co.za/images/Snaaks/s084.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

What to do?

Please don't send me hate mail....this just made me laugh! S1


How can you tell the difference between Liberals and Conservatives and SOUTHERNERS?

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click ... sounds of reloading.

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it, too."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.lnn.co.za/images/Snaaks/s058.jpg

 

[midwestyankee]

Re: What to do?

Please don't send me hate mail....this just made me laugh! S1


How can you tell the difference between Liberals and Conservatives and SOUTHERNERS?

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click ... sounds of reloading.

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it, too."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Did you complete the necessary waiting period between registering as a potential bad joke owner and actually acquiring this one?

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.lnn.co.za/images/Snaaks/NoTrespassing.jpg

 

[omahaman2]

The Heavenly Florist!

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked
to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to
close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He
asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business.
They ignored her too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close shop.

Terrified, they did so - thereby proving - that Hugh, and only
Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

[Succulent-one]

Re: Re: What to do?

Did you complete the necessary waiting period between registering as a potential bad joke owner and actually acquiring this one?

LOL see.....I knew someone would get tweeked!....now yankee you need to guess which one of the three I really am??

 

[midwestyankee]

Re: Re: Re: What to do?

LOL see.....I knew someone would get tweeked!....now yankee you need to guess which one of the three I really am??

No I don't.

And I didn't get tweaked, not in the least.

 

[Guest]

a fun little song

Wet Dream---- Kip Adotta

It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year
I was driving in downtown Atlantis
My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was overheating
So I pulled into a Shell station
They said I'd blown a seal
I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay
pal?"

While they were doing that I walked over to a place called the oyster bar -- a real dive
But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins
I said, "Hi, Gil!!!"
You hafta yell, he's hard of herring


Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream...

Gil was also down on his luck
Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water
I gullied up to the sandbar
He poured the usual
Rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred
With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side -- heavy on the
mako
I slipped him a fin -- on porpoise
I was feeling good
I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids -- for the
halibut

Well, the place was crowded
We were packed in like sardines
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal --
what sole
Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna -- "Salmon Chanted Evening"
And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers
Probably there to see the bass player

One of them was this cute little yellowtail
And she's giving ME the eye
So I figure, this is my chance for a little fun
You know -- a piece of Pisces

But she said things I just couldn't fathom
She was too deep, and seemed to be under a lot of pressure
Boy, could she drink
She drank like a... she drank A LOT...
I said, "What's your sign?"
She said, "Aquarium"
I said, "GREAT!!! Let's get tanked!"

Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream...

I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait
I said, "C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows"
She threw me that same old line
"Not tonight -- I got a haddock"

And she wasn't kiddin' either, 'cuz in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike
He was covered with mussels
He came over to me, he said, "Listen shrimp -- don't you come trolling around here"
What a crab ..This guy was steamed -- I could see the anchor in his eyes

I turned to him, I said, "Abalone -- You're just being shellfish"
Well, I knew it was going to be trouble, and so did Gil, 'cuz he was already on the phone to the cods
The haddock hits me with a sucker punch
I catch him with a left hook
He eels over
It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck,
flat as a mackerel
Kelpless

I said, "Forget the cods, Gil, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon"
Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend
She came over to me, she said, "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish"
"What's your name?"
I said, "Marlin"

Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream...

Well from then on, we had a whale of a time
I took her to dinner
I took her to dance
I bought her a bouquet of flounders
And then I went home with her
And what did I get for my trouble?
A case of the clams

Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream...

 

[carrie-on]

8 Words with 2 definitions

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2 VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes