Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
G
Guest
Guest
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
tonitits
MS. T
- Joined
- Mar 22, 2002
- Posts
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Received this in email. Not really a joke, but thought this was the appropriate place to post it!
Darwin Awards Nominees:
Hard to believe, but another year has passed .. (For those who don't know about it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the person(s) who died in the stupidest way, thereby removing him or herself from the gene pool...), Incidentally....IF I had a vote, Nominee #5 would get my vote hands down as THE DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 2003!
The Nominees Are:
NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo Michigan, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft!"
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger,47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Gary Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy had previously conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the "best and brightest" members of the
200-man association".
NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas."
Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE No. 6: ["News of the Weird"] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE No. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
AND FINALLY: (now, these two guys don't count because they aren't dead yet, but this is a goodie, nonetheless) [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22-caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. After inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded toward the White River Bridge. After traveling about
20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. (Way to go, Lavinia.)
Darwin Awards Nominees:
Hard to believe, but another year has passed .. (For those who don't know about it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the person(s) who died in the stupidest way, thereby removing him or herself from the gene pool...), Incidentally....IF I had a vote, Nominee #5 would get my vote hands down as THE DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 2003!
The Nominees Are:
NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo Michigan, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft!"
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger,47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Gary Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy had previously conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the "best and brightest" members of the
200-man association".
NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas."
Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE No. 6: ["News of the Weird"] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE No. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
AND FINALLY: (now, these two guys don't count because they aren't dead yet, but this is a goodie, nonetheless) [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22-caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. After inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded toward the White River Bridge. After traveling about
20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. (Way to go, Lavinia.)
G
Guest
Guest
After the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and obey" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and obey" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."
"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."
"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No,Sir; I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses
'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"
"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!"
"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse!
And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who
knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,'
because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and
'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses.
I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."
"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."
"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No,Sir; I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses
'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"
"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!"
"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse!
And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who
knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,'
because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and
'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses.
I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
Two elderly ladies were strolling through the zoo enjoying the sights. They came across the gorilla cage. Standing in front of the cage they watched because the male gorilla had a massive erection.
Finally, one of them could not control herself and reached into the cage to touch the gorilla's erection.
Whereupon he grabbed her, pulled her into the cage and mated with her for 6 hours. After which he threw her back over the fence.
An ambulance was called and she was taken to the
hospital.
About two days later her friend visited her in the
hospital.
She asked. "Are you hurt?"
Her friend replied," Am I hurt? Am I hurt? What do you think?
He hasn't called, he hasn't written.................. "
Finally, one of them could not control herself and reached into the cage to touch the gorilla's erection.
Whereupon he grabbed her, pulled her into the cage and mated with her for 6 hours. After which he threw her back over the fence.
An ambulance was called and she was taken to the
hospital.
About two days later her friend visited her in the
hospital.
She asked. "Are you hurt?"
Her friend replied," Am I hurt? Am I hurt? What do you think?
He hasn't called, he hasn't written.................. "
MystiqDrgn
Damn Anguisette
- Joined
- Feb 11, 2003
- Posts
- 1,483
That was great Carrie! You need a spew alert on it while reading. It is definately a joke to send to grandparents!
Good Morning and thank you for a great start to the day!
~A~
Good Morning and thank you for a great start to the day!
~A~
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
For the football-oriented people of Lit, time to order your commemorative 2004 Superbowl football! 
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
Now I know why Texan's are so tough...
mystic_Arrival
slipping through shadows
- Joined
- Dec 8, 2003
- Posts
- 1,424
Hi everyone ... I guess we have all spoken and wished that we could immediately take the words back...or that we could crawl into a hole? I found these gems whilst browsing the net ....
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
> >
> >> ****
> >
> >I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
> asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
> turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word... he knew better.
> >
> >
> >
> > ****
> >
> >
> >
> >My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
> variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts.
" My sister started to laugh hysterically,the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
> >
> >
> >
> >*****
> >
> >
> >
> >While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold
of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished.
> >
> >To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" . The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
> three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him
constantly.
> >
> >One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands.
> It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I
smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go
potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I
kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't
have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an
> accident, because the smell was getting worse.
> >
> >
> >
> >Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
> >
> >
> >
> > ****
> >
> >This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
> >
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true
story...
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
> >
> >> ****
> >
> >I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
> asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
> turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word... he knew better.
> >
> >
> >
> > ****
> >
> >
> >
> >My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
> variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts.
" My sister started to laugh hysterically,the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
> >
> >
> >
> >*****
> >
> >
> >
> >While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold
of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished.
> >
> >To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" . The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
> three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him
constantly.
> >
> >One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands.
> It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I
smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go
potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I
kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't
have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an
> accident, because the smell was getting worse.
> >
> >
> >
> >Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
> >
> >
> >
> > ****
> >
> >This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
> >
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true
story...
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
Not really a joke...more practical application.
Words That Don't Exist...But Should...
-->Aquadextrous (akwa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
-->Carperpetuation (kar 'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
-->Disconfect (diskonfect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming that somehow it will 'remove' all the germs.
-->Elbonics (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
-->Frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
-->Lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
-->Peppier (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
-->Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
-->Pupkus (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
-->Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Words That Don't Exist...But Should...
-->Aquadextrous (akwa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
-->Carperpetuation (kar 'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
-->Disconfect (diskonfect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming that somehow it will 'remove' all the germs.
-->Elbonics (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
-->Frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
-->Lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
-->Peppier (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
-->Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
-->Pupkus (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
-->Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's on the TV?'' I said, ''Dust!''
* In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
* My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
* What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
* A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said ''I haven't eaten anything in four days.'' She looked at him and said, ''God, I wish I had your willpower.''
* Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
* A man inserted an ad in the classified: ''Wife wanted.'' Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ''You can have mine.''
* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* First guy (proudly): ''My wife's an angel!'' Second guy: ''You're lucky, mine's still alive.''
* How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
* Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
* If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
* Then there was a man who said, ''I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.''
* A little boy asked his father, ''Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'' And the father replied, ''I don't know son, I'm still paying.''
* The bumper sticker read: ''I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her.''
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
* In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
* My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
* What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
* A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said ''I haven't eaten anything in four days.'' She looked at him and said, ''God, I wish I had your willpower.''
* Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
* A man inserted an ad in the classified: ''Wife wanted.'' Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ''You can have mine.''
* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* First guy (proudly): ''My wife's an angel!'' Second guy: ''You're lucky, mine's still alive.''
* How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
* Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
* If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
* Then there was a man who said, ''I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.''
* A little boy asked his father, ''Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'' And the father replied, ''I don't know son, I'm still paying.''
* The bumper sticker read: ''I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her.''
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
G
Guest
Guest
Happy Valentine's Day everyone 
http://cagle.slate.msn.com/search/Valentine/ValentinesGIFS/5inch/ndi0110h.gif
http://cagle.slate.msn.com/search/Valentine/ValentinesGIFS/5inch/ndi0110h.gif
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Happy V-Day everyone! Careful who you fall in love with today
http://www.generalcomics.com/love-funny-pictures-jokes/2.jpg
http://www.generalcomics.com/love-funny-pictures-jokes/2.jpg
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
This is all the "action" I'll be getting today
http://www.generalcomics.com/love-funny-pictures-jokes/4.jpg
http://www.generalcomics.com/love-funny-pictures-jokes/4.jpg
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Leopards
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.
He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company.
One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long
the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious leopard.
I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly
had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been! watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the
leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and just when they get
close enough to hear the dachshund says:
"Where's that stupid monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to
bring me another leopard."
REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BULL****!
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.
He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company.
One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long
the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious leopard.
I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly
had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been! watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the
leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and just when they get
close enough to hear the dachshund says:
"Where's that stupid monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to
bring me another leopard."
REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BULL****!
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
My Erotic Tail
tale weaving
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2003
- Posts
- 1,842
Re: Leopards
Now thats a smart wiener..lol
Succulent-one said:
Now thats a smart wiener..lol
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
