Jokes

[Succulent-one]

Letters

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was the
beginning of the Secret Service
Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of
multi-letter agencies - FBI , CIA , INS , IRS , DEA , ATF , etc.
Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service. Can't
you see them now? These highly trained men and women in their black outfits
with initials in large white letters across their backs?
F. A. T. A. S. S. - - - - - - - I feel safer already.---

 

[My Erotic Tail]

LMAO~ Succulent-one

So I come here like a Clown...
Unicycle paddleing around.
Big red shoes..flower print shirt of blue..
Honkin my horn...Beep Beep
pull you with my rod like lil bo peep
squirt you with water from a flower...
dive into a bucket from a tall tower...(not)
little poodles dance around.
leaving lil mounds on the ground.
I hold up a sign.."watch were you step."
reach in my pocket where my stuff is kept
pull out a flower and hand it to you..
my pants suddenly grew and grew..
I have a mound of my own too.
I try to push it back as I look at you.
that just made it grow a new.
I turn red as my shoe.
Hidden by my painted red cheeks.
blushing and shuck's-ing as if I were meek.
Till my mound has reached its peak.
looking for a hole to dive in I seek
Then I smile and wave at you and grin
you know Ill be back again.

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.generalcomics.com/medical-cartons-funny-pictures-jokes/7.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

Zebra

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting
on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her
final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was
so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills
and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking
brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi,
I'm a zebra! What are you?"

"I'm a cow."

"Right, right. What do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran
over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a chicken."

"Oh, right. What do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome
beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran
over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are
you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

 

[Joey3308]

http://home.tiscali.be/mathias.appelmans/lech.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

Not really funny....just cute
http://gusmueller.com/images/hotdog.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.katzdelite.com/assets/images/db_images/db_Banana1.jpg

 

[alwaysawake]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Here, put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He was surprised but did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold. “The girl replied "then put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The now excited boyfriend thinking fast said, "Gosh my penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned, the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

 

[alwaysawake]

Papal Ursine Encounter

On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to do some sightseeing. As he was cruising along in the Pope-mobile, there was a frantic commotion at the edge of the woods. A helpless man with gold earrings, wearing sandals, Hawaiian shorts, a save-the-whales tee shirt and a tree-hugger hat was struggling frantically, trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One drew his hog-leg revolver and fired a 44 magnum slug into the bear's chest. The second pulled the bleeding, semiconscious man from the bear's clutch while the third began bludgeoning the stunned grizzly with a Louisville Slugger. The three loggers then hauled the bear to their truck.

The astounded Pontiff summoned the loggers and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions! I had heard that there was bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists. But now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true. You men are truly Christian."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies "Who the hell was that old geezer?"

"That was the Pope," one replied. "As the divinely ordained liaison between the Almighty and the Christian Church here on earth, he is in direct contact with, and has full access to, all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know Jack about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to go back to Oregon and grab another one?"

 

[Joey3308]

Erotic blow-up piggie
PD8606-00 $ 15.00

Inflatable pig with a rear entry.
http://www.xxxfreesexchat.com/PD/TW/513.JPG

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.pichirichi.com/images/Funny-Food/038_horror%20movie.jpg

 

[carrie-on]

I'll probably catch flak for this from a few folks but I thought it was funny!

http://www.elfrigo.org/flash/chowmein.htm

 

[redrider4u]

I'll probably catch flak for this from a few folks but I thought it was funny!

http://www.elfrigo.org/flash/chowmein.htm

omfg, roflamfao............


too damn funny...............it's great........fuck political correctness.........laffing...really

 

[midwestyankee]

I'll probably catch flak for this from a few folks but I thought it was funny!

http://www.elfrigo.org/flash/chowmein.htm

Oh my god. There's a hairball on my fork!!!!

 

[alwaysawake]

I'll probably catch flak for this from a few folks but I thought it was funny!

http://www.elfrigo.org/flash/chowmein.htm

I am a Harry Chapin fan from 'way back, and I have had this .wav file of that song for four years! It IS funny and political correctness be damned! roflmao

 

[carrie-on]

TY red.yankee and AA! Glad I'm not the only one who is warped and thinks things like that are funny!

 

[Guest]

John was getting gas at a rural gas station. He was in a hurry, and when he pulled the nozzle out of his car, some gas poured onto his sleeve.

The gas station attendant yelled at him, "You might want to wash that off, 'cause it could be dangerous. Your arm could catch on fire."

"I'll be fine," John said quickly and then got in his car and drove away. As he was driving down the road, John rested his arm on the open window sill.

Sure enough, due to the direction of the sun and the gasoline, his arm caught on fire. He panicked, stopped the car on the side of the road and got out and flailed the burning limb in the air.

A cop driving along saw him and pulled over. He threw John to the ground and put out the fire.

John got up and was about to say thanks, when he saw the policeman giving him a ticket. "Hey, what is this for?" John yelled. The cop said, "Illegal use of a firearm."

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Social security?

A retired gentlemen went to the
Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind
the counter asked him for his drivers
license to verify his age. He looked in
his pockets and realized he had left
his wallet at home. He told the woman
that he was very sorry but he seemed
to have left his wallet at home; "I will
have to go home and come back later," he said.

The woman says, "Nah. Just unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt, revealing curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me." She then processed his
Social Security application.

When he got home, the man excitedly tells
his wife about his experience at the
Social Security office. She says, "you should
have dropped your pants, you might have
gotten disability too!"

 

[tonitits]

TY red.yankee and AA! Glad I'm not the only one who is warped and thinks things like that are funny!

That was funny! I knew that there was a reason I didn't eat Chinese food!!!! roflmao. AA loves that type humor!

 

[TNRkitect2b]

The Treehugger

Walking through the woods a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree." "You gotta be kiddin me."
"No ,would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him butt naked and leaves. Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy hand cuffed to the tree, stark ass naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there, but while he was doing so the guy shakes his head in sympathy walks around behind him, kisses him tenderly behind the ear and says. "This just ain't your day, sweetheart."

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.anthemamerica.com/New%20Jpegs/Chance_1[1].jpg

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.allanpetersen.com/Images/Funny/EATIN.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

Cherokee Government

The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" one official began, "you have observed the white man for
90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth, you have seen
his progress and the damage he has done."

The Chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then
calmly replied, "When white man found this land, Indians were running it No
taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver.

Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting,
fishing, and all night making love to women."

The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could
improve system like that."

 

[Succulent-one]

Men

Sorry I decided I better not post the photo

 

[alwaysawake]

WHAT GUYS REALLY MEAN...

“It's a guy thing." Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
“Can I help with dinner?" Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
“Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
“It would take too long to explain." Really means ... "I have no idea how it works."
“We're going to be late." Really means ... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
“Take a break, Honey, you're working too hard." Really means .... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
That's interesting, Dear." Really means .... "Are you still talking?"
“Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."
“You expect too much of me." Really means .... "You want me to stay awake?!"
“You know how bad my memory is." Really means .... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
“Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means..."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
“I do help around the house." Really means .... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
“Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means ...."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
“I heard you." Really means .... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
“You look terrific." Really means .... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
“I missed you." Really means .... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
“I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means .... "No one will ever see us alive again."
“We share the housework." Really means .... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
“This relationship is getting too serious." Really means .... "I like you more than my truck."
“I don't need to read the instructions." Really means .... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
“I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means .... "If I wait long enough, you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."