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Guest
Guest
*giggles*
Thanks guys
My niece emailed it to me.. I just had to share it
Thanks guys
My niece emailed it to me.. I just had to share it
Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal."
The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she'll have to take the bus."
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous
smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.
"The Inspector asked, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Tennessee, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal."
The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she'll have to take the bus."
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous
smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.
"The Inspector asked, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Tennessee, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
G
Guest
Guest
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them,from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
xx--jasmine--xx said:According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them,from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Works for me...as I crack the whip...pull my sleigh baby...pull on it
G
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{{{{{Joey}}}}}
My Erotic Tail
tale weaving
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2003
- Posts
- 1,842
ha ha ha
Q: Why are blondes like pianos?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1: "All the blondes have gone home!"
A2: Has that blonde gone yet?
A3: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
Q: Why are blondes like pianos?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1: "All the blondes have gone home!"
A2: Has that blonde gone yet?
A3: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
My Erotic Tail
tale weaving
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2003
- Posts
- 1,842
I've been good
Santa wants to know If I've been
naughty or nice??
Honest Santa Ive been good...
See my peckers hard as wood.
Havent used it in a year.
People think Im turning queer.
See my balls all swollen blue.
Been so long , sperms probably glue.
Havent touched it, honest man!
Wet spots in bed are from dreamin.
So if Santa wants to know,
If im naughty or nice, ho ho ho?
Well I've been nice as you know.
But next year I'm filling lots of holes.
Santa wants to know If I've been
naughty or nice??
Honest Santa Ive been good...
See my peckers hard as wood.
Havent used it in a year.
People think Im turning queer.
See my balls all swollen blue.
Been so long , sperms probably glue.
Havent touched it, honest man!
Wet spots in bed are from dreamin.
So if Santa wants to know,
If im naughty or nice, ho ho ho?
Well I've been nice as you know.
But next year I'm filling lots of holes.
G
Guest
Guest
Joey3308 said:How to save money at X-Mas
Santa died???????
I was going to sit on his lap tomorrow and whisper my Christmas list in his ear
G
Guest
Guest
Re: I've been good
My Erotic Tail said:
My Erotic Tail
tale weaving
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2003
- Posts
- 1,842
from: Tail waggin good time
Santa was in the barn..
spinning another yarn.
To some of the elves..
about hay on the shelves.
While back at the big house.
Mrs. Clause took of her blouse.
And pushed me to her bush.
With a mighty push.
What was I to do..
so I licked her wet goo.
she pulled on my hair,
while I was down there.
And she tasted quite good
my dick hard as wood.
So I bent her over
a stuck her lil clover.
With each pump I humped,
On the head board her head bumped.
We both screamed and came.
Our wettness the same.
As the door flew open.
and Santa was gropeing.
at his long white beard.
Said "youve been naughty this year."...
.....................Art.......................
Santa was in the barn..
spinning another yarn.
To some of the elves..
about hay on the shelves.
While back at the big house.
Mrs. Clause took of her blouse.
And pushed me to her bush.
With a mighty push.
What was I to do..
so I licked her wet goo.
she pulled on my hair,
while I was down there.
And she tasted quite good
my dick hard as wood.
So I bent her over
a stuck her lil clover.
With each pump I humped,
On the head board her head bumped.
We both screamed and came.
Our wettness the same.
As the door flew open.
and Santa was gropeing.
at his long white beard.
Said "youve been naughty this year."...
.....................Art.......................
G
Guest
Guest
Joey3308 said:Well, he'll certainly be "stiff"
and cold too !!
I need someone hot.. and breathing !!
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Some Pick-Up Lines From Santa's Elves:
"No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."
"You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."
"I taught Santa everything he knows."
"I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
"Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."
"I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."
"I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."
"I can get you off the Naughty List." 5
"No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."
"You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."
"I taught Santa everything he knows."
"I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
"Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."
"I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."
"I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."
"I can get you off the Naughty List." 5
G
Guest
Guest
G
Guest
Guest
Joey3308 said:Some Pick-Up Lines From Santa's Elves:
"No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."
"You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."
"I taught Santa everything he knows."
"I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
"Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."
"I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."
"I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."
"I can get you off the Naughty List." 5
ROFL!!
G
Guest
Guest
Barbie's Early Christmas Letter
To: Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA
Dear Sir,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dreamhouse, Malibu, CA
To: Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA
Dear Sir,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dreamhouse, Malibu, CA
