G
Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
mystic_Arrival
slipping through shadows
- Joined
- Dec 8, 2003
- Posts
- 1,424
A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
G
Guest
Guest
Joey3308 said:One of my favourites
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
This guy has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years.
One day he sees an unusual speck on the horizon. As the speck gets
closer and closer, he sees that it is not a boat, or even a small
raft.... suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous
blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the
stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a
waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh
cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says,
"Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!" She then asks him, "How long has it
been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten
Years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right
sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask,
takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" Then
she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of
her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it
been since you've played around?" The guy, with tears in his eyes,
replies, "Oh sweet Lord!, don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
One day he sees an unusual speck on the horizon. As the speck gets
closer and closer, he sees that it is not a boat, or even a small
raft.... suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous
blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the
stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a
waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh
cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says,
"Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!" She then asks him, "How long has it
been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten
Years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right
sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask,
takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" Then
she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of
her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it
been since you've played around?" The guy, with tears in his eyes,
replies, "Oh sweet Lord!, don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Headline: Energizer Bunny Dies
Los Angeles, California
The Energizer Bunny passed away last evening. From the autopsy report filed this morning in Los Angeles, it appears that Mr. Bunny's cause of death was cardiac arrest due to sexual overstimulation. Apparently, someone put his batteries in backwards, so he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
Los Angeles, California
The Energizer Bunny passed away last evening. From the autopsy report filed this morning in Los Angeles, it appears that Mr. Bunny's cause of death was cardiac arrest due to sexual overstimulation. Apparently, someone put his batteries in backwards, so he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
One Woman's Search For True Love
When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend...
When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a buy with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.
I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big dick.
When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend...
When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a buy with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.
I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big dick.
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
mystic_Arrival
slipping through shadows
- Joined
- Dec 8, 2003
- Posts
- 1,424
alwaysawake said:
Roflmao
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Little Johnny's Letter to Santa
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!
Sincerely, Johnny
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!
Sincerely, Johnny
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to use this
logic.......
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,
but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the
clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available
for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous." The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las
Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
"this check is only made out for $50."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my
wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to use this
logic.......
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,
but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the
clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available
for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous." The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las
Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
"this check is only made out for $50."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my
wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Good one Succulent....if ya have a wife
http://www.vonna.com/jokes/funny-pictures/christmas/merryxmas.jpg
http://www.vonna.com/jokes/funny-pictures/christmas/merryxmas.jpg
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Tempting Santa
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."
Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."
Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."
Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."
Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!
G
Guest
Guest
SANTA'S PICK-UP LINES
* Hey Babe, when was the last time you had a really good sleigh?
* Care to see my twelve inch elf?
* I've got something special in the sack just for you!
* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
* I know when you've been bad or good so let's skip the small talk, sister!
* Some of my favorite toys run on batteries....
* Interested in seeing the North Pole? (Well, that's what Mrs. Claus calls it...)
* I see you when you're sleeping and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
* Screw the "nice" list. I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
* Ho-Ho-How'd you like to shake like a bowl of jelly?
* I put the 'scroo' in 'scrooge!
* I've got something you can hang a wreath on!
* One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer!
* That is NO candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you.
* Uh-yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers.
* I got your stocking stuffer right here!
* Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!
* Hey Babe, when was the last time you had a really good sleigh?
* Care to see my twelve inch elf?
* I've got something special in the sack just for you!
* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
* I know when you've been bad or good so let's skip the small talk, sister!
* Some of my favorite toys run on batteries....
* Interested in seeing the North Pole? (Well, that's what Mrs. Claus calls it...)
* I see you when you're sleeping and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
* Screw the "nice" list. I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
* Ho-Ho-How'd you like to shake like a bowl of jelly?
* I put the 'scroo' in 'scrooge!
* I've got something you can hang a wreath on!
* One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer!
* That is NO candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you.
* Uh-yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers.
* I got your stocking stuffer right here!
* Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!
G
Guest
Guest
Joey3308 said:
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
omahaman2
Here's your sign
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2001
- Posts
- 18,171
One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of
a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut
across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and
wouldn't cross it.
Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to
pull the wool over our ice!"
a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut
across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and
wouldn't cross it.
Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to
pull the wool over our ice!"
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Christmas Is Cancelled
T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night...
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible ...Those mean little sh*ts.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them...
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM.
Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason...
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night...
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible ...Those mean little sh*ts.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them...
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM.
Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason...
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
THREE WISE WOMEN????
What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of threeWise Men ?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helpeddeliver thebaby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.But what would they have said as they left...?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school !"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there!"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dishback?"
What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of threeWise Men ?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helpeddeliver thebaby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.But what would they have said as they left...?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school !"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there!"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dishback?"
