Jokes

[tonitits]

Grinch Test
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to Tell if You're a Grinch

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas Day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100:

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

 

[tonitits]

Fighter Plane Warranty Card
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
McDonnell Douglas
AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other

First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________

Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________

Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc._________________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-117A Stealth _Classified

3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________

4. Serial Number____________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_ McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:

Product Own Intend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:

_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed (Islamic)
_Crazed (Other)
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveler's Check

12. Occupation You Your Spouse

Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest You Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

MCDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800

 

[tonitits]

I thought ya'll might like this one, he is soooo cute!

 

[Guest]

I thought ya'll might like this one, he is soooo cute!

awww that's adorable !!!

 

[Guest]

Teens and Cats


Some may not have made the connection, but there are many similarities between teenagers and cats. Who knows? Maybe those finicky felines can help you understand the teen in your life -- so read on. . .

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4 . Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat nor teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy--a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not necessarily above that sort of behavior.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats on hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

 

[ffreak]

What a great way to start the day - good humor and a great AV. Thanks Toni and Jasmine.

-FF

 

[TheOverlord]

Teens and Cats


Some may not have made the connection, but there are many similarities between teenagers and cats. Who knows? Maybe those finicky felines can help you understand the teen in your life -- so read on. . .

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4 . Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat nor teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy--a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not necessarily above that sort of behavior.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats on hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

truer words were never spoken.

 

[tonitits]

SCHOOL


A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
won't let me talk!"



POLICE


It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" He
asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"



NUDITY


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement
and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"

 

[Guest]

SCHOOL


A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
won't let me talk!"



POLICE


It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" He
asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"



NUDITY


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement
and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"

ROFL!!!

 

[Guest]

How To Install Software,

a 12-Step Program


1.) Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.


It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.


2.) Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3.) Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT:

By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light,... finders keepers, losers weepers.

4.) Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5.) If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6.) Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7.) Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8.) You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
Yes! Sure!

9.) After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe", "fester.dat" and "doo.wha."

10.) When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:


CONGRATULATIONS !

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.


If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately

*!@!$)$%@&*)$*!#$_$*&



11.) At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12.) Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package
and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

 

[alwaysawake]

(If you can Read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you! *Note: Please lake time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at
the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from the East Coast:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for the directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.



Here are the scorecards for the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 --A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 -- (Frank) Holy shit. What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 --Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2--A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back--now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!

Chili #4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2-Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with flesh refills, That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili, Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement,

Judge #3 --My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told herthat her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher, wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those rednecks.

Chili #6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2.- The best yet, aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow Cone.

Chili #7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge 2 -- Ho hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. It appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen any way. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2-- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

[tonitits]

(If you can Read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you! *Note: Please lake time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at
the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from the East Coast:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for the directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.



Here are the scorecards for the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 --A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 -- (Frank) Holy shit. What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 --Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2--A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back--now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!

Chili #4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2-Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with flesh refills, That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili, Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement,

Judge #3 --My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told herthat her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher, wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those rednecks.

Chili #6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2.- The best yet, aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow Cone.

Chili #7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge 2 -- Ho hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. It appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen any way. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2-- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

that's great!!!!!!! My uncle has actually judged one of the chili cook offs, I always thought that it would be neat to do so. he said that there are some awful recipes. Some are good, some hot, he said that they even had a rattlesnake chili one time!

 

[alwaysawake]

that's great!!!!!!! My uncle has actually judged one of the chili cook offs, I always thought that it would be neat to do so. he said that there are some awful recipes. Some are good, some hot, he said that they even had a rattlesnake chili one time!

The funny part is this joke came from an Aussie friend of mine! roflmao

 

[tonitits]

The funny part is this joke came from an Aussie friend of mine! roflmao

hmmm do they have chili cook-offs too?

 

[redrider4u]

hmmm do they have chili cook-offs too?

laffing........toni.....been there tasted that on a chili cookoff...............the only thing I can politely recommend is seatbelts in the lav.....................

 

[tonitits]

laffing........toni.....been there tasted that on a chili cookoff...............the only thing I can politely recommend is seatbelts in the lav.....................

lmao!

 

[ffreak]

Wimps should not judge chili

notes from an inexperienced Chili taster

That is absolutely great! Laughed so hard I nearly lit a match myself. It's about as good as how to give a cat a pill.

Thank you alawaysawake.

I have a friend from Mexico who owns a resturant. The regulars asked him to make some buffalo wings. He'd never heard of them so a group of gingos tried to describe the color of the sauce as a clue to the ingredients. He made a batch and everyone said they were okay, but not quite right - they were used to seeming something more orange in color. So he went back to the kitchen and brought out chicken wings that were orange in color, actually kind of a day-glo, which should have been a warning. One of the guys tried a bite and passed out. The owner took a bite and spit his out immediately. He'd bathed the wings in pure habanera pepper mash. I think it peeled the enamel off the plate. We don't try to tell him how to make sauces anymore.

-FF (OK so the guy had just downed a huge Margarita - he still passed out after swallowing the equivalend of a burning fuse)
ps. I'm the only one who orders the Shrimp Diablo on a regular basis, so the guys bet me I couldn't eat one - just to see me do it. I'm so easy. But I'm not kidding when I tell you that damn chicken burned all the way through to the other end. Couldn't sit down for a whole day.

 

[Guest]

still laughing at the chili cook-off joke

ffreak.. i can understand the habanero thing.. my brother in law claimed no pepper was too hot for him.. till i gave a jar of habaneros to him for Christmas last year..
i'm not allowed back in his house LOL

ok.. i'm going to try this.. i can't isolate just one page, but my favorites are the "69" and "Charged"
hope this works !!


http://www.cards-n-toons.com/orgasm.php

 

[Joey3308]

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo." The other guy asks, "What's the Rodeo position, and how do you to do it?"
The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position too' and then you try to hang on for 8 seconds."

 

[tonitits]

Re: Wimps should not judge chili

That is absolutely great! Laughed so hard I nearly lit a match myself. It's about as good as how to give a cat a pill.

Thank you alawaysawake.

I have a friend from Mexico who owns a resturant. The regulars asked him to make some buffalo wings. He'd never heard of them so a group of gingos tried to describe the color of the sauce as a clue to the ingredients. He made a batch and everyone said they were okay, but not quite right - they were used to seeming something more orange in color. So he went back to the kitchen and brought out chicken wings that were orange in color, actually kind of a day-glo, which should have been a warning. One of the guys tried a bite and passed out. The owner took a bite and spit his out immediately. He'd bathed the wings in pure habanera pepper mash. I think it peeled the enamel off the plate. We don't try to tell him how to make sauces anymore.

-FF (OK so the guy had just downed a huge Margarita - he still passed out after swallowing the equivalend of a burning fuse)
ps. I'm the only one who orders the Shrimp Diablo on a regular basis, so the guys bet me I couldn't eat one - just to see me do it. I'm so easy. But I'm not kidding when I tell you that damn chicken burned all the way through to the other end. Couldn't sit down for a whole day.

Whoa I can imagine, I used to could eat ANY pepper but here lately my stomach can't handle them, and my tongue to sometimes. We have a wing place here called Wing Stop and they have the best wings,they have an atomic wings, and when you order them they ask if you have ever had them. If not they warn, if you have, they said ok so you know what you are getting into! Those suckers are HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! I think they use habenero sauce on them!

 

[tonitits]

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo." The other guy asks, "What's the Rodeo position, and how do you to do it?"
The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position too' and then you try to hang on for 8 seconds."

 

[tonitits]

still laughing at the chili cook-off joke

ffreak.. i can understand the habanero thing.. my brother in law claimed no pepper was too hot for him.. till i gave a jar of habaneros to him for Christmas last year..
i'm not allowed back in his house LOL

ok.. i'm going to try this.. i can't isolate just one page, but my favorites are the "69" and "Charged"
hope this works !!


http://www.cards-n-toons.com/orgasm.php

I liked those. I kind of like the international orgasm!!!!

 

[Palleon]

I got a new car radio. When you shout soul it plays soul. Shout rock it plays rock. Some kids ran in front of my car and I shouted "fucking kids", it played Michael Jackson.

 

[Joey3308]

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively.
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

 

[alwaysawake]

A bit offensive, but...here it is anyway!

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66.
He asked the teller, "Why get less money than got last week?”
The teller says, "Fluctuations.”
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, "Fluc you Amedicans too!"