Jokes

[Joey3308]

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." A little while later, a man sat down next to the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
http://www.filthyjokes.freeserve.co.uk/animsex.gif

 

[redrider4u]

From a Literotican across the pond.......

>==========================================
>
>
>First grade
>
>A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
>teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry
>answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
>third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
>third-grade too!"
>
>The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
>
>While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
>principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
>would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he
>was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry
>was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
>take the test.
>
>Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
>Harry: "9"
>
>Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
>Harry: "36"
>
>And so it went with every question the principal thought a
>third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells
>her,"I think
>Harry can go! to the third-grade."
>
>The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
>
>The principal and Harry both agree.
>
>Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
>Harry: "Legs"
>
>Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
>(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
>Harry: "Pockets"
>
>Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
>Harry: "Pants"
>
>Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
>delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
>(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
>answer...)
>Harry: "Coconut"
>
>Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
>Harry: "Bubblegum"
>
>Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
>dog do on three legs?"
>(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
>answer...)
>Harry: "Shake hands"
>
>Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
>Harry: "Yup"
>
>Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
>I get wet before you do."
>Harry: "Tent"
>
>Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
>The best man always has me first."
>(Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
>Harry: "Wedding Ring"
>
>Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,
>you feel good."
>Harry: "Nose"
>
>Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
>Harry: "Arrow"
>
>Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
>of excitement?"
>Harry: "Firetruck"
>
>The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his
>ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong. "

 

[tonitits]

A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

 

[tonitits]

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

 

[tonitits]

Thought ya'll might get a kick out of this! I loved it!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[redrider4u]

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

toni, too damn funny and true..........case of where the cat trained the man............

 

[Joey3308]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with
nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!!"

 

[jazey_43]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with
nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!!"

LMSAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[alwaysawake]

Try this one...

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks: "Mommy what's that?"
Somewhat flustered, she quickly replies: "Well dear, that is my sponge." Content with her answer off he goes...Later he runs into the living room and asks, "Mommy may I play with your sponge?" Again his mother is flustered and quickly states, "Why, no you may not, I lost it." O.K., this pacifies him and he goes back out to play. Later, Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mommy I found the sponge, I found the sponge." Confused, the mother asks, "You did and where did you find it?"
Johnny proudly stated, "The maid has it and she is washing Daddy's face with it."

 

[Joey3308]

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch Bic?"

 

[alwaysawake]

This guy walks into a bar and takes two steps in; he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink. “When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. “All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because "It really satisfies. “The customer looks dumb founded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fellow proudly replies, "Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on tickin! "A little shaken, the customer turns to the fellow on his right, who is sipping a fruity margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1."Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately? “Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer. “The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why secret? “The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."

 

[tonitits]

Try this one...

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks: "Mommy what's that?"
Somewhat flustered, she quickly replies: "Well dear, that is my sponge." Content with her answer off he goes...Later he runs into the living room and asks, "Mommy may I play with your sponge?" Again his mother is flustered and quickly states, "Why, no you may not, I lost it." O.K., this pacifies him and he goes back out to play. Later, Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mommy I found the sponge, I found the sponge." Confused, the mother asks, "You did and where did you find it?"
Johnny proudly stated, "The maid has it and she is washing Daddy's face with it."

Oh that is BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[tonitits]

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch Bic?"

too funny!

 

[tonitits]

This guy walks into a bar and takes two steps in; he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink. “When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. “All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because "It really satisfies. “The customer looks dumb founded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fellow proudly replies, "Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on tickin! "A little shaken, the customer turns to the fellow on his right, who is sipping a fruity margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1."Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately? “Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer. “The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why secret? “The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is great!

 

[Joey3308]

This guy walks into a bar and takes two steps in; he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink. “When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. “All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because "It really satisfies. “The customer looks dumb founded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fellow proudly replies, "Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on tickin! "A little shaken, the customer turns to the fellow on his right, who is sipping a fruity margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1."Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately? “Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer. “The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why secret? “The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."

Guess I'd have to call my guy "KFC"

 

[tonitits]

Guess I'd have to call my guy "KFC"

for finger licking good?

 

[Joey3308]

for finger licking good?

Yup...well, you'd have to be the judge

 

[tonitits]

Yup...well, you'd have to be the judge

I'll have to take your word for it!

 

[Joey3308]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him ... so he says he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his £50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his £50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.
"Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I get its pyjamas off."

 

[alwaysawake]

OMG--toni will love this! This one just came in my email from an employee at the Portland Main Post Office--she said this was posted on the bulletin board in the employee break room! rofl

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of thecurrent fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP(Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT(Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled toget: HERPES
(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP(Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

 

[tonitits]

OMG--toni will love this! This one just came in my email from an employee at the Portland Main Post Office--she said this was posted on the bulletin board in the employee break room! rofl

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of thecurrent fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP(Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT(Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled toget: HERPES
(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP(Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO True!!!!!!! You would not believe how true that is!

 

[Joey3308]

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us.

 

[jazey_43]

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us.

OMG!!

How funny!!!!!!

That was a good one Joey!!

 

[Joey3308]

OMG!!

How funny!!!!!!

That was a good one Joey!!

Tanks...like your AV...do they jiggle when ya laugh he he

 

[jazey_43]

Tanks...like your AV...do they jiggle when ya laugh he he

they're all but responsible for this black eye I'm sportin!!........Hee-hee!!!