alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
My apologies for even posting the initial edition of the 2004 Krsipy Kreme calendar girls...
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alwaysawake said:Here's a few (Something to offend everybody! LOL)
Q: Why did the blond put a condom over the steering wheel?
A: She had to blow the horn!
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Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
The lady asked, "What's that?"
"A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.
"You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
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"Life isn't like a box of chocolates ...... It's more like a jar of
Jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow."
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An elephant asked a camel, "why you have your breast on your back?”
The camel replied, "what a silly question coming from someone who got his dick on his face."
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(I like this one...LOL)
Early one morning, a rookie cop was on radar duty under a bridge, when he observed a red Corvette, traveling at a ridiculous speed. Upon pulling the car over he asked the driver, " What's the hurry, Buddy?" The driver calmly replied, " I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah, what exactly do you do?" asked the Cop.
" I’m a Rectum Stretcher," the driver says. I stick one finger in the rectum, wriggle it around, and then when it's stretched large enough I move on to two fingers and so on until I make the rectum about 6 feet."
" What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass?” the Cop inquired.
"Well, apparently you give him a radar gun and tell him to hide under a bridge"...
You know me...Tacky Jokes R Us--tonitits said:That last one is just toooo funny! The old lady and the condom is pretty funny too!




xx--jasmine--xx said:A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
)alwaysawake said:(Not for Texas eyes)
Dallas flight 111 was coming in for a landing, when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground!
The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!
As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane.
Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.
As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.
"Those aren't midgets," the pilot replied.
"Those are Texans, with all the shit scared out of them!"

Now I know why you drive instead of fly! LOLtonitits said:PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT!![]()

alwaysawake said:Now I know why you drive instead of fly! LOL![]()
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