Jokes

My apologies for even posting the initial edition of the 2004 Krsipy Kreme calendar girls...
 
alwaysawake said:
Here's a few (Something to offend everybody! LOL)

Q: Why did the blond put a condom over the steering wheel?
A: She had to blow the horn!

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Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

The lady asked, "What's that?"

"A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.

"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
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"Life isn't like a box of chocolates ...... It's more like a jar of
Jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow."

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An elephant asked a camel, "why you have your breast on your back?”
The camel replied, "what a silly question coming from someone who got his dick on his face."


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(I like this one...LOL)

Early one morning, a rookie cop was on radar duty under a bridge, when he observed a red Corvette, traveling at a ridiculous speed. Upon pulling the car over he asked the driver, " What's the hurry, Buddy?" The driver calmly replied, " I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah, what exactly do you do?" asked the Cop.
" I’m a Rectum Stretcher," the driver says. I stick one finger in the rectum, wriggle it around, and then when it's stretched large enough I move on to two fingers and so on until I make the rectum about 6 feet."
" What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass?” the Cop inquired.
"Well, apparently you give him a radar gun and tell him to hide under a bridge"...


That last one is just toooo funny! The old lady and the condom is pretty funny too!
 
This one might be titled "Nag--Nag--Nag!" LOL

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all!

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath, cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright (right) tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you EVER stop?!" :D
 
This one might be titled "Nag--Nag--Nag!" LOL

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all!

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath, cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright (right) tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you EVER stop?!" :D
 
New medications for women

D a m i t o l

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

S t. M o m s W o r t

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.


E m p t y N e s t r o g e n

Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

F l i p i t o r

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.


M e n i c i l l i n

Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"


B u y a g r a

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.


Extra Strength Buy-One-all

When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.


J a c k A s s p i r i n

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.


A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.


S e x c e d r i n

More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.


R a g a m e t

When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.


A n t i b o y o t i c s

When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
 
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephants tail really hard.

Years and years later the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river having a drink with his giraffe buddy when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.

"Why did you do that?" The giraffe asks.

"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason."

The elephant replied. "Wow! You must have a good memory!" Exclaimed the giraffe.

"Yep!" Said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."
~~~~~~~~~
i know... i know.. but it gave me a good laugh :rose:
 
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."
 
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.
"Oh," the Catholic girl says. "That's the holiday when you light the eight candles, right?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hanukah."

"Oh, right," the Catholic girl says. " Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when you eat the unleavened bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover.

Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."

"See," the Catholic Girl says. "That's what I like about you Jews... you're so good to the hired help."
 
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2."

As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." "I know, Miss," Adam replied, "in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
 
They Actually Said It!

Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite.
-- Dan Quayle, US VP, head of the Space Council

And now the sequence of events in no particular order.
-- Dan Rather, CBS television news anchor

At present there are such goings-on that everything is at a standstill.
-- Sir Boyle Roche

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
-- Brooke Shields, at a federal anti-smoking campaign spokes person interview

I have nothing to say, and I'll only say it once.
-- Floyd Smith, NHL Hockey coach
 
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
 
xx--jasmine--xx said:
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"


too funny!!!!
 
A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path. "Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!"
She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!"

She walked on and another duck with shit all over it crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem. "Now I've had it!" She whined. "What have you all been doing?" And for the third time she played Florence Nightingale and tended the duck.

She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Do you have a Kleenex?"

"No, not anymore," she answered.

"Too bad. I guess I'll just have to find another duck."
 
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(Not for Texas eyes :D)

Dallas flight 111 was coming in for a landing, when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground!

The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane.

Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.

As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those aren't midgets," the pilot replied.

"Those are Texans, with all the shit scared out of them!"
 
alwaysawake said:
(Not for Texas eyes :D)

Dallas flight 111 was coming in for a landing, when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground!

The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane.

Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.

As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those aren't midgets," the pilot replied.

"Those are Texans, with all the shit scared out of them!"




PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT! :p
 
alwaysawake said:
Now I know why you drive instead of fly! LOL :p :D

I remember back in the 80's I got held up at work, I was working for Sam's and my mom called and asked to speak to me. She said "You're still at work?", yeah, why? and a plane crashed on the highway that runs beside the airport and ordinarily I would have been right there. Some ppl heard the plane but didn't think anything of it until it all of sudden just fell from the sky. It was rush hour traffic and noone could do anything, it sat down right on top of one of the cars! I found another way to go home after that!!! They said that it was the birds flying into the engines that caused the crash!
 
Now that I've insulted the South...giving equal time--:D

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on South Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then South Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which South Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."



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South Brooklyn Tony ON MATH

South Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f---ing difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"



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South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

South Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

South Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had a bigger ass, you'd be a TEN!"


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South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on South Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f---ing beautiful!'"


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South Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER

South Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

South Brooklyn Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

South Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own f---ing business."
 
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