Jokes

[alwaysawake]

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money to go to the motorcycle dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer asks if he would like extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he cannot afford that and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry, that there is an old biker trick which will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put in on the chrome before it rains. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set.

At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kiss the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...!!!

Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone.

And no one says a word...!!!!

Now is he getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on her table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word...!!!!

By now, he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline.

And the father says, "Okay, dammit--I'll do the dishes!"

 

[alwaysawake]

This is an old one, but a classic! LOL

It was the postman's last day on a route which he had served for years, and the people he had gotten to know, at first strangers but now friends, all came out to wish him well. One gave him a hand knitted sweater; a second a jar of cookies, and a third a bottle of fine wine. He had just delivered the final piece of mail and was about to leave when the woman of the house came running out, in such a hurry she was still wearing her long flannel robe. "Mr. Postman, Mr. Postman, come inside. I've made breakfast for you on your last day."
Thankful for a chance to rest before driving home, the postman followed her inside. There she plied him with an absolutely wonder meal - juice, pancakes, eggs, turkey sausage, muffins and more. When finally he finished he thanked say saying, "That was absolutely wonderful. I am really touched."

She smiled. "I have something else to give you," she said, pulling down the zipper on her robe which showed that underneath she was wearing - as you have guessed - nothing.

A hour later the exhausted postman propped himself up to a sitting position and said, "That was absolutely wonderful. No one has ever given me such a wonderful gift."

She kissed him on the forehead, bounced out of bed to the dresser, and got a crisp new dollar bill which she gave to him with a smile.

He was flabbergasted. "This is incredible. I don't understand it. Why? "

"My boyfriend suggested it," she said sweetly.

Shock. "Your boyfriend?"

"Yes. I asked him, 'What should we give the postman for his last day.?' He said, 'Screw the postman. Give him a dollar." So I did. The breakfast was my own idea."

 

[tonitits]

My neighbor has a puppy that he's giving away free. It's a small Dachshund cross with something else, very cute, and great with kids. He's getting rid of it because his wife says it 'stares' at her, and It gives her the 'heebee jeebies'. Here's a picture of the dog. If you're interested, or know someone Who is, let me know.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[url]http://us.f803.mail.yahoo.com/ym/ShowLetter/Free_Dog.jpg?box=jokes&MsgId=7197_16391674_176131_1575_61220_0_92419_81251_1744433554&bodyPart=2&filename=Free_Dog.jpg&tnef=&YY=25323&order=down&sort=date&pos=0&view=a&head=b[/url]

 

[Guest]

Paybacks


http://www.specially4u.net/g/mouser.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very real and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his. He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel's desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it. Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.
The next day he came home from work very early, about 11 AM. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result.
Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said "I don't understand ... what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"I think she got fired too."

 

[alwaysawake]

Since Thanksgiving is almost here in the US (and six weeks past for Canada!)...here's a Thanksgiving joke!

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed holiday pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to her as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

"Honey," he said. "You were right -- all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked Martha.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

 

[alwaysawake]

A fireman comes home from work and tells his wife about the bell system they have at the station and proceeds to explain; bell one--we slide down the pole. Bell two--we get dressed for the fire. Bell three--we get on the truck and go. Lets try a system like that when I come home and say "bell one", you strip; then when I say "bell two", we go to the bedroom, and when I say "bell three", we can be wild the rest of the night. His wife agrees to try. So the next night, the husband comes home and yells "BELL ONE! The wife strips after which he yells "BELL TWO!", then they go back to the bedroom, and finally he yells "BELL THREE!" and they begin having passionate sex. A few minutes pass and the wife yells "BELL FOUR!" The husband asks, " What the hell is bell four?!"
The wife replies, “Not enough hose to reach the fire!”

 

[alwaysawake]

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.
He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle.”
The wife was angry, but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”
The wife grabbed her husband’s penis and replied, “and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!”

 

[alwaysawake]

A man has six children and he is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife--“Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?” His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

 

[Guest]

A man has six children and he is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife--“Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?” His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.virtualdirtygirl.com/jokes/PicsandThbs/PicsAugust/pic13395.jpg

 

[The_Dragon_Tamer]

There was a lady who triplets begat
Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.


http://www.fortunecity.com/tattooine/tolkien/120/ani12.gif

 

[Guest]

You Can Tell It's Going to Be a Bad Day When...

You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
(Note: this is VERY likely to happen in a government office!)
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night...
and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the highway.
Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work, get there, and realize your dress is
stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

 

[alwaysawake]

Jeff Foxworthy just did this one on the Comedy Channel...

Buying a used rental car is like looking for a wife at the local brothel...you know they've been around the block a time or two, been ridden hard, and you're afraid to put your key in it.

 

[tonitits]

Since Thanksgiving is almost here in the US (and six weeks past for Canada!)...here's a Thanksgiving joke!

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed holiday pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to her as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

"Honey," he said. "You were right -- all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked Martha.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

OMG, too funny!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[tonitits]

Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very real and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his. He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel's desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it. Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.
The next day he came home from work very early, about 11 AM. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result.
Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said "I don't understand ... what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"I think she got fired too."

 

[tonitits]

This is an old one, but a classic! LOL

It was the postman's last day on a route which he had served for years, and the people he had gotten to know, at first strangers but now friends, all came out to wish him well. One gave him a hand knitted sweater; a second a jar of cookies, and a third a bottle of fine wine. He had just delivered the final piece of mail and was about to leave when the woman of the house came running out, in such a hurry she was still wearing her long flannel robe. "Mr. Postman, Mr. Postman, come inside. I've made breakfast for you on your last day."
Thankful for a chance to rest before driving home, the postman followed her inside. There she plied him with an absolutely wonder meal - juice, pancakes, eggs, turkey sausage, muffins and more. When finally he finished he thanked say saying, "That was absolutely wonderful. I am really touched."

She smiled. "I have something else to give you," she said, pulling down the zipper on her robe which showed that underneath she was wearing - as you have guessed - nothing.

A hour later the exhausted postman propped himself up to a sitting position and said, "That was absolutely wonderful. No one has ever given me such a wonderful gift."

She kissed him on the forehead, bounced out of bed to the dresser, and got a crisp new dollar bill which she gave to him with a smile.

He was flabbergasted. "This is incredible. I don't understand it. Why? "

"My boyfriend suggested it," she said sweetly.

Shock. "Your boyfriend?"

"Yes. I asked him, 'What should we give the postman for his last day.?' He said, 'Screw the postman. Give him a dollar." So I did. The breakfast was my own idea."

 

[barn888]

 

[alwaysawake]

(Hey wait a minute... I can relate to some of these....)

You Might Be A Redneck On Thanksgiving, If:

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
On Thanksgiving Day, you have to decide which pet to eat.
Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

 

[alwaysawake]

I like this one alot and bet it has some truth to it, too!

TEXAS - SURVIVOR

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Texas Style".

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. T hey will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth, and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

The first one that makes it back to Dallas alive, wins.

 

[rosylady]

A Canadian in a Texas bar...


A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of beer.

He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texasm but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.

Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???' The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.'

So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.

The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!

 

[tonitits]

A Canadian in a Texas bar...


A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of beer.

He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texasm but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.

Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???' The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.'

So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.

The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!

Rofl, Rosy that is true!!!!!!!!!

 

[TheOverlord]

can you find nemo?

 

[Guest]

can you find nemo?

ohh now Overlord... that's just WRONG !!!!!!

poor nemo *sniff*

 

[tonitits]

I like this one alot and bet it has some truth to it, too!

TEXAS - SURVIVOR

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Texas Style".

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. T hey will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth, and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

The first one that makes it back to Dallas alive, wins.

It would not be an easy task!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially in West Texas and all those good ole boys!