Jokes

[Joey3308]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

 

[Joey3308]

they're all but responsible for this black eye I'm sportin!!........Hee-hee!!!

Well next time ya have to laugh I'll be happy to throw my body in between them and take the hit myself

 

[Palleon]

I stole this post from someone else

The Darwin Awards

For those of you that dont know, these are awards given out for pure stupidity. The first one is this year's "winner"...and the rest definately deserve honorable mention.

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

* * * * *

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have
a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

* * * * *

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find
a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

* * * * *

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that
the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

* * * * *

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.
When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head
to a moving train before he was hit.

* * * * *

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash
drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money,
was a crime committed?)

* * * * *
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F***-UP!" For a moment,
everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze,
mother-stickers, this is a F***-up!"

* * * * *

Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

* * * * *
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and
the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a
positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's
the lady I stole the purse from."

* * * * *
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,
and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

* * * * *
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it
was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.poddys.com/jokes/Cartoons/differentdesires.jpg

 

[alwaysawake]

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850?

California became a state.
The state had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the middle of the streets.
So it was just like California today, only the women had real breasts!

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.poddys.com/jokes/Cartoons/womansbar.jpg

 

[tonitits]

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850?

California became a state.
The state had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the middle of the streets.
So it was just like California today, only the women had real breasts!

Ohhhhh, you are going to be in trouble with the CA women!!!

 

[tonitits]

This is the new rave!

 

[tonitits]

Dr. Seuss' Lost Tongue Twister
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
See if you can do this:

Read each line aloud:


This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is dumbass cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat


Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top... I bet you can't resist passing it on!

 

[tonitits]

Lawyer Waiting In Line
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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

 

[tonitits]

What is Sex?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the father asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Mom says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of sex."

 

[tonitits]

DNA Good News and Bad News
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"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

 

[Joey3308]

Remember, always practice safe sex
http://www.poddys.com/jokes/Cartoons/safelick.jpg

 

[tonitits]

Remember, always practice safe sex
http://www.poddys.com/jokes/Cartoons/safelick.jpg

OMG!!!!!!!!! that is too funny!!!!!

 

[TNRkitect2b]

A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left . . .

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can think also.

 

[tonitits]

A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left . . .

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can think also.

I like that! He is a very smart man!!!

 

[tonitits]

Two hunters were in the woods when all of a sudden one of them collapses down onto the ground.
The other one was scared, so he took out his cell phone and called 911.
The operator picked up and asked for details about the emergency.
The hunter said in a figdety voice, "We, we were hu hu hu hunting in the woods and he just collapsed!
I think he died!!! What do I do?? Please help me!"
The operator replied calmly, "Ok, first make sure he's actually dead."
A long silence was followed by a loud bang.
The hunter came back to the operator and asked, "Okay, now what???"

 

[tonitits]

Half Sister
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid!

He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

 

[tonitits]

Never Lie to your Mother
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

 

[tonitits]

The Bus
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.


"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."

"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge

 

[tonitits]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor, Lawyer, and Biker
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

 

[tonitits]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Young Salesman
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed..

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son.
Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

.

 

[tonitits]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stranded on an Island
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.

For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen -- or at least in last 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blonde hair flowed in the sea breeze.

He watched as she rowed her boat toward him.

As she arrived at the beach, he asked, "Where did you come from, how did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island.. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there?"

"It is only me," she said. "Would you like to row over to my place?"

They both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm
tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Have a seat. Would you like a drink?"

"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable."

After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me," she purred, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss?" She moved closer
to him. "Something that all men and woman need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is, now that you mention it," the man replied, moving closer to her. "Tell me, do you happen to have an Internet connection?"


.

 

[tonitits]

Redneck Driver's License Application
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Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name: First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

 

[tonitits]

Try this eye test!