Jokes

[carrie-on]

Carnation milk



A little lady from Missouri had worked in and around
family dairy farms since she was old enough to
walk...with hours of hard work and little compensation
and when canned Carnation Milk became available in
grocery stores (1940s or 50's???) she read an
advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan...rhyme
beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all..." and
she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can
do this!!!!

She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black
limo drove up in front of her house...a man got out and
said, Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to
award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use
it...

Here is her entry:

Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no shit to haul,
no buckets to wash, no hay to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!

 

[TheOverlord]

On the evening of the Royal wedding, Sophie was becoming somewhat uncomfortable in her regal attire: Unfortunately, the shoes she had worn that day were a bit too small and, by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony.

When Sophie and Edward withdrew to their bridal suite, the only thing she could think of was getting her ill-fitting shoes off.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you Sophie was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."

This was followed by even more grunting and straining and at last Edward exclaimed, "My God! That was even tighter!"

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor!"

 

[Guest]

On the evening of the Royal wedding, Sophie was becoming somewhat uncomfortable in her regal attire: Unfortunately, the shoes she had worn that day were a bit too small and, by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony.

When Sophie and Edward withdrew to their bridal suite, the only thing she could think of was getting her ill-fitting shoes off.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you Sophie was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."

This was followed by even more grunting and straining and at last Edward exclaimed, "My God! That was even tighter!"

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor!"

ROFL !!!!!!
{{{Overlord}}}

 

[TheOverlord]

ROFL !!!!!!
{{{Overlord}}}

 

[tonitits]

An Elder of the Cherokee Nation was teaching his grandchildren about life.
>
>He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight and
>it is between two wolves.
>
One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
>self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition,
>superiority, and ego.
>
> The other wolf stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity,
>humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth,
>compassion, and faith.
>
This same fight is going on inside of every other person, too."
>
The children thought about his story for a minute and then one child
>asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
>
>The Elder simply replied, "The one you feed. "
>
>
>
>

 

[Guest]

An Elder of the Cherokee Nation was teaching his grandchildren about life.
>
>He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight and
>it is between two wolves.
>
One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
>self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition,
>superiority, and ego.
>
> The other wolf stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity,
>humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth,
>compassion, and faith.
>
This same fight is going on inside of every other person, too."
>
The children thought about his story for a minute and then one child
>asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
>
>The Elder simply replied, "The one you feed. "
>
>
>
>

i don't know why toni, but that gave me goosebumps !!

this isn't exactly a joke.. just a little time waster lol

can you find the man??

 

[cookiejar]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found all the pets were very expensive. She
told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a
fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say
it's been trained to give oral Sex." "Oral Sex?" the woman exclaimed. "I
haven't witnessed it myself, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he
said. The woman was skeptical, but thought it would be a great gag
gift, so she bought the frog. When she explained the frog's ability to her
husband, he was even more skeptical than his wife and laughed it off.
In the middle of the night, the woman was awakened by the noise of pots
and pans flying everywhere, making deafening sounds. She ran downstairs
to the kitchen, only to discover her husband and the frog reading
cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband
replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone."

 

[Guest]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found all the pets were very expensive. She
told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a
fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say
it's been trained to give oral Sex." "Oral Sex?" the woman exclaimed. "I
haven't witnessed it myself, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he
said. The woman was skeptical, but thought it would be a great gag
gift, so she bought the frog. When she explained the frog's ability to her
husband, he was even more skeptical than his wife and laughed it off.
In the middle of the night, the woman was awakened by the noise of pots
and pans flying everywhere, making deafening sounds. She ran downstairs
to the kitchen, only to discover her husband and the frog reading
cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband
replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone."

heheh. that's a good one

 

[TheOverlord]

You see a gorgeous guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

 

[wantsmore]

joke

Missed Final

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.

They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought! All at the same time, each one in his separate room, thought, this is going to be easy. Each finished the lengthy problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
For 95 points: Which tire?
Missed Final

 

[alwaysawake]

Here are two politically correct ones--first for the ladies and then the men.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10.She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11.She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12.She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

 

[alwaysawake]

Two more...

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.


-----------------------------------------------------------------



A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A 'huge heart' covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the huge heart opened, and the cardiologists' casket rolled inside. The heart then closed sealing the cardiologist within the beautiful heart forever.
One of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said:
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ----
I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted.

 

[tonitits]

i don't know why toni, but that gave me goosebumps !!

this isn't exactly a joke.. just a little time waster lol

can you find the man??

found him, that was cool!

 

[tonitits]

Two more...

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.


-----------------------------------------------------------------



A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A 'huge heart' covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the huge heart opened, and the cardiologists' casket rolled inside. The heart then closed sealing the cardiologist within the beautiful heart forever.
One of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said:
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ----
I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted.

that one is too funny! So what is going to happen at your funeral Mr. Entomologist?

 

[alwaysawake]

that one is too funny! So what is going to happen at your funeral Mr. Entomologist?

No cockroach coffins for me! Pffffffffffffffttttttttt!

 

[alwaysawake]

A Californian joke...

Changing English to Simple English. As you read this the simpler it becomes.

The New California Governor has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, The Terminator's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or, if nobody will be offended, "Austrionics")..
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl.

 

[tonitits]

A Californian joke...

Changing English to Simple English. As you read this the simpler it becomes.

The New California Governor has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, The Terminator's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or, if nobody will be offended, "Austrionics")..
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl.

hehehe Governor Arnold is going to get you!!!!!!!!

 

[alwaysawake]

hehehe Governor Arnold is going to get you!!!!!!!!

I'm not hard to find...I'll be bacccccccccckkkkkkk! rofl

 

[alwaysawake]

Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use "as is," or as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."

Obviously, we can no longer call this a "soft drink." This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, such as highballs and just good old-fashioned stiff drinks.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount And Do."

 

[alwaysawake]

One for the road...LOL


There were two, old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So? “says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well, "says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

 

[Guest]

didn't work ... grrr

i'll post this instead
~~~~~~~~~~

Before the books were published, readers suggested titles for
Monica's tell-all book:

* Me and My Big Mouth
* What Really Goes Down In The White House
* You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
* How I Blew It In Washington
* Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
* Going Back for Gore
* Secret Services to the President
* Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
* The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
* She's Chief of MY Staff!
* Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
* Going Down and Moving Up
* Members of the Presidential Cabinet
* How To Get A Head in Business
* I Wore What You Did Last Summer!

 

[Joey3308]

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

 

[Guest]

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

 

[Joey3308]

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum."
The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " What could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".

 

[barn888]

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum."
The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " What could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".

HAHA!