Jokes

[tonitits]

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF! He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

 

[tonitits]

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I know I'm not a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

 

[Bug Eyed Monster]

By Mike Serino

I got this one our of the Boston Metro Dated 11/5/2003 submitted by Mike Serino

The teacher said, "I'm a Yankees fan. Whoe else is a Yankees fan?"

The class raised their hands except for one little girl. The girl said the Red Sox were her favorite. "Why?" asked the teacher and the girl answered, "My mom and dad are Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan."

The teacher became annoyed and asked, "Well if your dad was an idiot and your mom was an idiot, what would that make you?"

The little girl replied, "That would make me a Yankees fan."

 

[alwaysawake]

Re: By Mike Serino

I got this one our of the Boston Metro Dated 11/5/2003 submitted by Mike Serino

The teacher said, "I'm a Yankees fan. Whoe else is a Yankees fan?"

The class raised their hands except for one little girl. The girl said the Red Sox were her favorite. "Why?" asked the teacher and the girl answered, "My mom and dad are Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan."

The teacher became annoyed and asked, "Well if your dad was an idiot and your mom was an idiot, what would that make you?"

The little girl replied, "That would make me a Yankees fan."

LMAO Buggy! Here is a President joke that I chuckled about...

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."

"DONE" says the Wizard.

WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up steps George Bush(Sr.) sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?

 

[tonitits]

Re: Re: By Mike Serino

LMAO Buggy! Here is a President joke that I chuckled about...

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."

"DONE" says the Wizard.

WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up steps George Bush(Sr.) sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?

lmao

 

[tonitits]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff...

I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her... so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy...

And here I am."

 

[tonitits]

Ways to turn a man down...
HE. " can I buy you a drink? " SHE. " Actually I'd rather have the money "

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours! SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!

HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Your face must turn a few heads! SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out! SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name? SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film? SHE: I've already seen it!!!

Man: Where have you been all my life? Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Where have you been all my life? Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams

 

[alwaysawake]

Oops gotta try again...

 

[alwaysawake]

Trying again...

 

[Guest]

Trying again...

ROFLMAO !!

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2003/09/badminton.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2003/09/pigdriver.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

Touch mine and I'll bite yours off.

Vet visit

http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2003/09/vetvisit.jpg

 

[tonitits]

Trying again...

Roflmao

 

[tonitits]

Touch mine and I'll bite yours off.

Vet visit

http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2003/09/vetvisit.jpg

Bear all of those are great!

 

[biggbear8]

Bear all of those are great!

THX YOU TONI SO ARE YOURS

 

[biggbear8]

Thank you everyone for posting all those great jokes

I really loved reading them all

 

[alwaysawake]

Touch mine and I'll bite yours off.

Vet visit

http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2003/09/vetvisit.jpg

Looks like my Border Collie at bath time OR the vet...LOL

 

[tonitits]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.
On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

 

[tonitits]

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

 

[biggbear8]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire long after hypothermia has set in.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If,
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able
to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I
wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You
never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
---------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing and
never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys - cumin is a
spice)
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together
-------------------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete
stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to
make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her
any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I
don't need to see it and don't forget to pick up something for my
mother, too.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it--looks fine. Your hair is fine. You
look fine. Can we just go now?
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the
rest.
----------------------------------------------
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand
the Male.

 

[tonitits]

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said.
"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?"

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

 

[tonitits]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!"

The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!"

 

[tonitits]

For anyone who has ever had a forbidden love!

 

[alwaysawake]

Here's a few (Something to offend everybody! LOL)

Q: Why did the blond put a condom over the steering wheel?
A: She had to blow the horn!

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Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

The lady asked, "What's that?"

"A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.

"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
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"Life isn't like a box of chocolates ...... It's more like a jar of
Jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow."

-------------------------------------------------------

An elephant asked a camel, "why you have your breast on your back?”
The camel replied, "what a silly question coming from someone who got his dick on his face."


--------------------------------------------------------
(I like this one...LOL)

Early one morning, a rookie cop was on radar duty under a bridge, when he observed a red Corvette, traveling at a ridiculous speed. Upon pulling the car over he asked the driver, " What's the hurry, Buddy?" The driver calmly replied, " I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah, what exactly do you do?" asked the Cop.
" I’m a Rectum Stretcher," the driver says. I stick one finger in the rectum, wriggle it around, and then when it's stretched large enough I move on to two fingers and so on until I make the rectum about 6 feet."
" What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass?” the Cop inquired.
"Well, apparently you give him a radar gun and tell him to hide under a bridge"...