Jokes

[biggbear8]

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man.

"How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

 

[biggbear8]

blondes

>policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
>
>The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
>
>The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
>
>Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

>
>The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
>
>The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

>
>Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

>
>The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."
>
>The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

>
>He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

>
>"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

 

[barn888]

 

[biggbear8]

Hi Ho Silver!
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Was Silver Hard of Hearing?
> > > >At one point in his career, the Lone Ranger was captured by an
enemy
> > > >Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, you are the
great
> > > >Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be
executed
in
> > > >three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three
requests.
> > > >What is your first request?"
> > > >The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
> > > >The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger,
who
> > > >whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.
> > > >Later that evening, Silver returned with a beautiful blonde
woman on
> his
> > > >back.
> > > >As the Indian Chief watched, the blonde entered the Lone
Ranger's
tent
> > > >and spent the night.
> > > >The next morning the Indian Chief admitted he was impressed.
"You
have
> a
> > > >very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
days.
What
> > > >is your second request?"
> > > >The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver was
brought
> to
> > > >him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear. As before,
Silver
took
> > > >off across the plains and disappeared over the horizon. Later
that
> > > >evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, this
time
with
> > > >a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
> > > >She entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.
> > > >The following morning the Indian Chief was again impressed. "You
are
> > > >indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you
tomorrow.
What
> > > >is your last request?"
> > > >The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse,
alone."
> > > >The Chief was curious, but he agreed, and Silver was brought to
the
> Lone
> > > >Ranger's tent. Once they were alone, the Lone Ranger grabbed
Silver
by
> > > >both ears, looked him square in the eye and said, "Listen
carefully!
> > > >For the last time, I said, 'BRING POSSE
> > > >

 

[biggbear8]

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Cripes!
Life is so darn boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take
my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" "You're on!"
said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her
clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the
flower show. Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the
hall, following by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the
door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "How did you do?" asked her waiting
friend.

"Great! I just won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement.

 

[biggbear8]

> >> COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
> >>
> >> A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
> >> opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
> >>
> >>
> >> This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
> >> seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
>laughing,
> >> she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
> >>
> >> The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
> >> what he had to say for himself.
> >>
> >> The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got
> >> on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a
> >> sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Th en
> >> she moved and
> >> sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the
> >> swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign
> >> that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly
> >> contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat
> >> under a sign that said,
> >> "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost
> >> it."
> >>
> >
> >
>
>

 

[ffreak]

I just want to say thank you for posting this thread.

It's great medicine!

-FF

 

[biggbear8]

I just want to say thank you for posting this thread.

It's great medicine!

-FF

your welcome Im glad you enjoy them and yes laughter is the best medicine.

and welcome

 

[biggbear8]

MAGIC BEER
>
>A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at
the
bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
>"Magic Beer", he says.
>
>She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the
man sitting
at the bar and says,
>"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
>
>"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the
window,
flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
>The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
>He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window.
>She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says
to
the bartender,
>"Give her one of what I'm having."
>
>She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets
30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
>
>
>The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman,
you're a
real asshole when you're drunk.

 

[alwaysawake]

I love this one...it is not as morbid as it sounds!

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their
three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked
hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her
family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he
too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot
himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said,"I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son
agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get
it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The
mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a
hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a
row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he
said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she
was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY
times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times
in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

 

[barn888]

 

[barn888]

 

[TheOverlord]

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs.

Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "Taking off her blouse," "She's taking off her blouse," "Blouse is coming off," "Taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "Taking off her skirt," "She's taking off her skirt," "Skirt's coming off," "Taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line: "She's taking off her bra!" "She's taking off her bra!" "She's taking off her bra!" etc.

Then Grumpy said, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower: "She's taking off her panties!" "She's taking off her panties!" "She's taking off her panties!" "She's taking off her panties!" etc.

Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!"

And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

 

[Guest]

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs.

Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "Taking off her blouse," "She's taking off her blouse," "Blouse is coming off," "Taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "Taking off her skirt," "She's taking off her skirt," "Skirt's coming off," "Taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line: "She's taking off her bra!" "She's taking off her bra!" "She's taking off her bra!" etc.

Then Grumpy said, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower: "She's taking off her panties!" "She's taking off her panties!" "She's taking off her panties!" "She's taking off her panties!" etc.

Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!"

And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

ROFL !! too funny !! {{Overlord}}

here's a pic of the greatest lawyer in the world

 

[biggbear8]

The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman. "Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."

Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.

"Eighteen," the lady replied.

"Lady," he gasped, "You're not a nudist, you just don't have time to get dressed!"

 

[biggbear8]

My, but you look different today Claudia," commented Rene to her coworker. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use - special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?"

"No!" replied Claudia. "My vibrator shorted out this morning."

 

[biggbear8]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sex of a bee is hard to see
But he can telland so can she.
The queen is quite a busy soul
She has no timefor birth control.
And that is why in times like these,
There are so many sons of bees.

 

[biggbear8]

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say that they are hungry and thirsty. It was freezing in the house so they have an argument over who should go get the food and drink. After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine."

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

 

[biggbear8]

This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it. After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes.

He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.

He kicks her in the face!

 

[biggbear8]

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch.

"Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?"

"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"

 

[biggbear8]

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."

 

[tonitits]

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.

They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and learn," answers the men from the South.

When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding. The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war!

 

[TheOverlord]

Top 10 reasons why trick or treating is better than sex:

10. You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and do it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. Its O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.

5. Twenty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don’t like what you get you can always go next door.

3. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

 

[biggbear8]

The spinster
>
>
>MAKING A WILL
>
>An elderly spinster called the Attorney about having a will prepared.
>The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient
>time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You
>must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I
>don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my
>house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and
>went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and will.
>
>The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have
>in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
>
>She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have
>$40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
>
>"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be
>distributed?"
>
>The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life,
>people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I
>pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
>
>The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a
>funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression."
> He continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
>
>The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone
>almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die,
>I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
>
>"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see
>what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the
>lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and
>her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do
>around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her
>husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive
>you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished.
>Tell her it will be $5,000 for an hours worth of service."
>
>The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while
>he went into the house. She waited for well over an hour, but her husband
>didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom
>window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up
>tomorrow morning! She's going to let the County bury her!

 

[biggbear8]

REAL WOMEN


LADIES, YOU'LL REALLY ENJOY THESE HOUSEHOLD HINTS -
PROBABLY THE "REAL WOMEN" MORE THAN MARTHA'S!

MARTHA STEWART
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in
a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
"fix-me-up.

REAL WOMEN - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto:
"I made it and you will eat it and I don't want to hear how bad it tastes."

MARTHA STEWART
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.

REAL WOMEN - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink.
You might still have the headache, but so what ?

MARTHA STEWART
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent
ice cream drips.

REAL WOMEN - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom
of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with
your feet up, eating it anyway.

MARTHA STEWART
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.

REAL WOMEN - Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in
the pantry for up to a year.

MARTHA STEWART
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the
dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside
of the cake.

REAL WOMEN - Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

MARTHA STEWART
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.

REAL WOMEN - The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not
include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

MARTHA STEWART
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing
gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

REAL WOMEN - Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip -

MARTHA STEWART
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for
future use in spaghetti sauces.

REAL WOMEN - Leftover wine??