Jokes

[tonitits]

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling. "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!"

 

[tonitits]

Marriage and the Church
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either..."

 

[tonitits]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
101 Reasons why Women Prefer Cucumbers to Men
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
101 Reasons why women prefer cucumbers to Men
1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie.
12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat.
13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds.
15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?".
17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is.
24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.
25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent.
26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: ...want to shake hands and be friends.
28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab".
29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind.
31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist.
32. ...take you to confession.
33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.
35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
47. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.
48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.
50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?"
54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group.
56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one.
59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.
61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey.
64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold.
70. Cucumbers don't count to 10.
71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
72. A cucumber will never leave you ... ...for another woman.
73. ...for another man.
74. ...for another cucumber.
75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman.
76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.
77. You always know where a cucumber has been.
78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ... ...is married.
83. ...is on penicillin.
84. ...likes you - but loves your brother.
85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.
87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family.
94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School.
95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
98. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.
99. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.
101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.

 

[tonitits]

Why Men Can't Win
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

 

[sticky_keyboard]

Letter to Tech Support

TECH SUPPORT

Subject: Wife and Girlfriend
Dear Software Engineer,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance 'n' Drunk 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the UN-install does not work on this program.

Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error "General protection Fault in module House Security. The UN-installation will abort." Can you help me, please!!!


Regards,
Desperate User
-----------------------------------------------------
Reply from Tech. Support
Dear User,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to Run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to UN-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but ended up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support" which was given to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults GPFs). The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\> APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5, which will improve the performance of Wife 1.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support.

 

[tonitits]

The Kiss
>
> A cabbie picked up a nun. She got into the cab, and the cab driver
> wouldn't stop staring at her.
>
> She asks him why was he staring and he replied, "I have a question to
> ask you but I don't want to offend you."
>
> She answered, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old
> as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to
> see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing
> you could say or ask that I would find
> offensive."
>
> "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
>
> She responded, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
> #1, you have to be single, and #2 you must be Catholic."
>
> The cab driver was very excited and said, "Yes, I am single, and I'm
> Catholic, too!
>
> "OK," the nun said, "Pull into the next alley"
>
> He did and the nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make
> a hooker blush.
>
> But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started to cry.
>
> "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
>
> "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess that
> I'm married and Jewish."
>
> The nun said, "That's OK, my name is Fred and I'm on my way to a
> Halloween party.

 

[sticky_keyboard]

Funny how different versions go around

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

That's funny! The version of the same joke as I[/I} heard it...

Two men are waiting in line at the pearly gates when the first says to the second, "How'd you die?"

"I died after a accidental fall from 6 stories up. How did you die?"

"I died from a massive heart attack," the first says. "How did you fall?"

"I was at my girlfirend's when we heard a noise. I thought it might be her husband, so I hid in the refrigerator. How did it feel to die of a heart attack?" he says.

"It was all over pretty fast. I came home from work early one day and found my wife, naked, in bed. I was sure there was another man in the house, so I ran up and down the stairs looking for him. I got so angry I threw the refrigerator out the window but the strain was too much and I had the heart attack."

The two just kind of stared at one another for a moment, when a third guy walked up and stood in line.

"How did you die?" the first two asked in unison, happy for the break in the tension.

"I dunno. I was just walking along, minding my own business, when I was crushed by a refrigerator."

 

[tonitits]

Sherry and Christy are having coffee at Starbucks when Sherry says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh, no!," says Christy "I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."

"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!" says Sherry.

"Oh, no!," says Christy "I just said that the way you wear those stripes make you look larger than you really are."

"I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" says Sherry.

"Oh, no!" says Christy. "I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

 

[tonitits]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal'. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan'.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

[tonitits]

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident.
She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day M'am. How may I help you today?" Very uncomfortable she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady, you farted just touching it. You're gonna sh** when you hear the price."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this Native American boy who was confused so this is what he asked his mother: Mom, why is my brother's name Windstorm?
She answered: Because he was conceived during a wind storm.

Well, why is my sister's name Moon-shine? She answered again: Because she was conceived when the moon was shining.

The poor little boy looked sad and confused.

His mother said, ''Why are you so sad and confused Brokenrubber?''

 

[Guest]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE AREN'T
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office isn't:
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

 

[sticky_keyboard]

A thread on the GB reminded me of this one

Two little old ladies are reminiscing. The first says, "Mildred, do you remember the minuette?"

Mildred says, "Hell, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"

 

[tonitits]

A co-worker told George that George's wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's best friend. Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.

His co-worker asked him how it went.

"Look," said George. "Don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend...I don't even know him."

 

[tonitits]

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Scottish bloke - 6ft 5 and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well- dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the Liverpudlian.
Leaning over towards the Scotsman he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"

At this the big guy leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar and leaves him bruised and battered in the car park before returning to his seat.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure," the Scouser replies, "something about a job."

 

[alwaysawake]

(Pardon the caps...this is how the email came to me.)

2 NUNS, SISTER CATHERINE AND SISTER HELEN, ARE TRAVELING THROUGH EUROPE IN THEIR CAR. THEY GET TO TRANSYLVANIA AND ARE STOPPED AT A TRAFFIC LIGHT. SUDDENLY, OUT OF NOWHERE, A TINY LITTLE DRACULA JUMPS ONTO THE HOOD OF THE CAR AND HISSES THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD.

"QUICK, QUICK!" SHOUTS SISTER CATHERINE. "WHAT SHALL WE DO?" "TURN THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS ON. THAT WILL GET RID OF THE ABOMINATION," SAYS SISTER HELEN.

SISTER CATHERINE SWITCHES THEM ON, KNOCKING DRACULA ABOUT, BUT HE CLINGS ON AND CONTINUES HISSING AT THEM. "WHAT SHALL I DO NOW?"

SHE SHOUTS. "SWITCH ON THE WINDSHIELD WASHER. I FILLED IT UP WITH HOLY WATER AT THE VATICAN, "SAYS SISTER HELEN. SISTER CATHERINE TURNS ON THE WINDSHIELD WASHER. DRACULA SCREAMS AS THE WATER BURNS HIS SKIN, BUT HE CLINGS ON AN CONTINUES HISSING AT THE NUNS.

"NOW WHAT?" SHOUTS SISTER CATHERINE. "SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS," SAYS SISTER HELEN. "NOW YOU'RE TALKING," SAYS SISTER CATHERINE. SHE OPENS THE WINDOW AND SHOUTS, "GET THE FUCK OFF THE CAR!!!"

 

[tonitits]

A man was walking through the desert had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, "Good God give me some food!"
As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet.

Puzzled he looked up... There was a leper painting the ceiling.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

 

[tonitits]

Tweety's Advice:

Dear Lord

So far today I'm doing all right

I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy
nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have charged nothing on my credit card.

But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think I will really need your help then.

 

[sticky_keyboard]

Same vein...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years...

This one is more fun to tell in person where you can act it out!

An elderly gentleman walks into the barber shop where he hangs out on a regular basis. The regulars aren't always happy to see him because he has a hearing problem and won't admit it. This particular morning, he walks in, waves at the barber and smiles broadly.

"Hey, Charlie! I got new hearing aids! You know, those microprocessor ones!"

"That's great!" Charley, the barber says. "How do they work?"

The man looks at his wrist and says, "Quarter after 9!"

 

[alwaysawake]

This is how I met toni... rofl j/k

A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the result.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind
my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the
reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a Drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how olda woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let
me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly
how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street
until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out,
"What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her
blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said, "Okay,
okay,.....how old am I?"

"He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his
hands and "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

[tonitits]

This is how I met toni... rofl j/k

A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the result.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind
my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the
reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a Drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how olda woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let
me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly
how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street
until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out,
"What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her
blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said, "Okay,
okay,.....how old am I?"

"He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his
hands and "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Too funny!

 

[alwaysawake]

Too funny!

I may need to try and guess again! LMAO

 

[tonitits]

I may need to try and guess again! LMAO

Oh yeah? how many times?

 

[alwaysawake]

Oh yeah? how many times?

As many as it takes!

 

[tonitits]

As many as it takes!

That might take a lifetime!!!

 

[alwaysawake]

That might take a lifetime!!!

That's no joke! Back to our regularly scheduled humor!