Jokes

[Guest]

A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a Wy on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy to and the waiter said no mine says Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day!!!

LMAO !!!!
that's a good one 4_4 !!!

 

[4_4time]

Thanks. I thought it was cute too. (you glas love those penis jokes don't you?!

 

[4_4time]

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

 

[Guest]

Thanks. I thought it was cute too. (you glas love those penis jokes don't you?!

i plead the 5th !

 

[Guest]

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

omg. that's too funny !!

 

[4_4time]

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

 

[4_4time]

RE: constructing a joke

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

 

[tonitits]

4_4time, those are all great jokes!

 

[redrider4u]

Re: RE: constructing a joke

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

4x4 fun funny...............

 

[Hotpantyz]

The Genealogy of the Schitt

Note: first of all, apologies to anyone who's surname is really Schitt!! but this is a joke!

Lineage Revealed

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now, you can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer multimillionaire, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children, Holie Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, plus Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout (who later became a LA County Superior Court Judge). After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe were divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her children were living with her, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable thorughout childhood and consquently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodidgal son, left home to tour the world. He returned in 1997 with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

 

[TheOverlord]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He
took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing
through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he
thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.
Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from
him with no problem" thought the man and the tromped it some more and flew
down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am
I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of
the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper
pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said,
looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If
you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years
ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were
bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

 

[biggbear8]

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES



FR: MANAGEMENT



SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING







In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINIG (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.



If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed on top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that u get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.



Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to attend EMPLOYEE ATTIYUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are already full of S.H.I.T.



If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add name to our BASIC UNDERDSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).



Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).



If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL INTESITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).





Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

 

[biggbear8]

Fancy Lawyer


A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's
fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell
you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'" Clyde said,
"Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the
road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was
fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to
hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the
Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could
hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just
by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the
scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said
"How are you feeling?" "Now I ask you Judge, what would you have said?"

 

[alwaysawake]

Regional humor

You live in California when:

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford
to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to
answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down
your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you
tell them how long it will take to get there
rather than how many miles away it is

You live in New York when:

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know
you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to
get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but
can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You think that being able to swear at people
in their own language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in Alaska when:

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup
and Tabasco.
2. You have more than one recipe for moose.
3. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than
eight buttons.
4. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost
winter, and construction.

You live in the Deep South when:

1. You get a movie and fish bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't
from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.

You live in Colorado when:

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your
$500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up "Granola" on
the way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have
a ponytail.

You live in the Midwest when:

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor
knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting
to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C"
on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition:
"Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place,
you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when:

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind--
even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
6. You don't know how to vote

 

[alwaysawake]

One more...kinda goofy!

The Pearly Gates

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him "You look like Einstein, but you have No idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a moment and asks "Could I have a piece of chalk and a blackboard?: Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk appear.

Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein" he says. "Welcome to heaven."

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks,"Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

"Go right ahead." Saint Peter replies.

Picasso erases Einstein's quotations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be" he says. "Come on in."

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How do you plan to prove yours?"

W. looks bewildered and says "Who are Picasso and Einstein?"

Saint Peter sighs and then says "Come on in George."

 

[TheOverlord]

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum and dad shagging for all they were worth.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"

"It's ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that's all."

The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"

"Son, there's been a change of plan," his father replied. "You mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."

 

[TheOverlord]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his
axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank,
and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared
and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with
Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up
with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so
THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

 

[Guest]

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum and dad shagging for all they were worth.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"

"It's ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that's all."

The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"

"Son, there's been a change of plan," his father replied. "You mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."

 

[alwaysawake]

I like this one...


An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you?"
"Yes," she says, I remember it well.
"OK" he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Ooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walkingsticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around to face the fence and the old man moves in.
She grabs on to the fence for support and suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like Eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!
She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching, thinks, "That was truly amazing! He was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says. Fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric!"

 

[biggbear8]

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

 

[biggbear8]

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

 

[biggbear8]

After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers home-coming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the street.

"Excuse me," she said "but were you in the war?"

"Yah, I was in the infantry."

"Would you mind to answer a few questions for a newspaper article?"

"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."

"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"

"I fucked my wife." Pekka said bluntly. The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject.

"After that. I mean, what did you do after that?"

"I fucked her again." he answered. If possible the journalist turned even more red, and got even more desperate to change the subject.

"Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you was finished with all that?!"

"Then I unstrapped my skis and my heavy backpack."

 

[biggbear8]

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall, but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks, the two went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs, and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told, and soon she felt the biggest thing she had ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

 

[biggbear8]

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!

dont know who wrote this

 

[biggbear8]

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."