Jokes

[alwaysawake]

Not sure this is a joke or not, but it is a plan conceived by Robin Williams and I like it! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan... what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan(Hard to argue with this logic!)

I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:

1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega,
Milosovich, and the rest of those 'good ole boys.' We will never "interfere" again.
2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station our troops at all US borders. No more will anyone sneak through holes in the fence.
3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days, the remainder will be gathered up and deported to France immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France should welcome them.
4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. I f you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers who won't speak English.
5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, or they get a "D" and it's back home baby!. Never to Return.
6. The US will make a strong effort to become self -sufficient energy-wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy, but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up their storage sites should be enough.)
8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement, or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?!

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"

 

[Icey*Fire]

http://users.telenet.be/eforum/emoticons4u/love/029.gif

 

[carrie-on]

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink. The horse begged for the chicken to go get help.
The chicken ran back to the farm. He searched and searched
for the farmer, but to no avail for he had gone to town with the
tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series
BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a
length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's
life.
Back at the bog the horse was surprised, but happy to see the
chicken arrive in the shiny car. He managed to get a hold of
the rope the chicken tossed to him after tying the other end to
the rear bumper of the car.

The chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the
powerful car, rescued the horse. Happy and proud the
chicken drove the car back to the farmhouse and the farmer
was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented. Best
Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later! the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life.
The horse thought a moment, walked over and straddled the
large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his thing and
he would lift him out. The chicken got a good grip and the
horse pulled him out saving his life.

The Moral Of The Story.....
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick
up chicks.

 

[biggbear8]

Dating in 1957
>
>It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
>Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
>
>"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
>"That's cool" says Bobby.
>
>Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
>
>Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
>
>"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
>
>Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
>
>A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids,"
>
>About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
>
>"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
>

 

[alwaysawake]

THIS is some major denseness...and they hired him!

WAL-MART Job Application...

(This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas ... and they
hired him because he was so honest and funny!)

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

 

[biggbear8]

The Most Important Body Part
=============================

My mother used to ask me:
"What is the most important part of the body?"

Through the years I would take a guess at what I thought was the
correct answer.

When I was younger, I thought sound was very important to us as
humans, so I said, "My ears, Mommy."
She said, "No Many people are deaf.
But you keep thinking about it and I will ask you again soon."

Several years passed before she asked me again. Since making my
first attempt, I had contemplated the correct answer. So this
time I told her, "Mommy, sight is very important to everybody,
so it must be our eyes. She looked at me and told me, "You are
learning fast, but the answer is not correct because there are
many people who are blind."

Stumped again, I continued my quest for knowledge. Over the
years, Mother asked me a couple more times and always her answer
was, "No, but you are getting smarter every year, my child."

Then last year, my grandpa died.
Everybody was hurt.
Everybody was crying.
Even my father cried.
I remember that especially because it was only the second time I
saw him cry. My Mom looked at me when it was our turn to say
our final good-bye to Grandpa.

She asked me,
"Do you know the most important body part yet, my dear?"

I was shocked when she asked me this now.
I always thought this was a game between her and me.
She saw the confusion on my face and told me,
"This question is very important.
It shows that you have really lived in your life.

For every body part you gave me in the past, I have told you was
wrong and I have given you an example why.
But today is the day you need to learn this important lesson."

She looked down at me as only a mother can.
I saw her eyes well up with tears. She said,

"My dear, the most important body part is your shoulder."

I asked, "Is it because it holds up my head?"
She replied, "No, it is because it can hold the head of a friend
or a loved one when they cry.

Everybody needs a shoulder to cry on sometime in life, my dear.
I only hope that you have enough love and friends that you will
always have a shoulder to cry on when you need it."

Then and there I knew the most important body part is not a
selfish one. It is sympathetic to the pain of others.

People will forget what you said...
People will forget what you did....
But people will NEVER forget how you made them feel.

Author Unknown

True or not, the story makes you stop and think.

Be blessed. Be a blessing. Get your shoulder ready....

Or feel free to use mine if you need it!

 

[biggbear8]

A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down.
This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!"
The father yelled back, "Fuck You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail,... and you told me to go fly a kite!"

**************************************************************************
Little Freddy was puzzled as to his origin. "How did I get here,
Mommy?"
His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."
"And did God send YOU, too Mommy?"
"Yes, Freddy, He did."
"And GRANDMA and GREAT GRANDMA and DADDY, too?"
Again the answer was "Yes, Freddy, He did." Little Freddy shook his head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there's been no *fucking* in this family for 100 years?!?!?
No wonder everyone is so cranky!"

*************************************************************************
Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."

Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his
heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks
me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and
my Grandma wouldn't lie."

*************************************************************************
A little old lady walks into a neighborhood vegetable market.

She says, "Luigi, I will take 3 lbs of tomatoes, 5 lbs. of potatoes, 1/2 dozen oranges and 6 bananas."

Luigi says, " Looka lady, we ain't got no bananas."

The lady then says, "Thats ok Luigi, I am changing my order. You better make that 7 lbs. of tomatoes, 1 dozen of oranges,
10 lbs. of potatoes and I really need 9 bananas."

Luigi says, "Looka lady, I been a telling you we got no bananas."

The lady says, "Thats ok Luigi, I am changing my order. Give me 5 lbs. of tomatoes, 10 lbs. of potatoes, 1/2 dozen oranges, 5 lbs. of grapes and you better make that 12 bananas."

Luigi says, " Looka lady, ifa you takea the "to" out of tomato, what do you got?"

The lady says, "Mato".

Luigi says, "If you takea the "po" out of potato, what do you got?"

The lady says, "Tato."
Luigi says, "Good, and ifa you takea the "fuck" out of banana, what do you got?"

The lady says, "There ain't no fuck in banana."

Luigi says, "Thatsa what I have been trying to tella you,
'There ain't no fucking bananas."

 

[carrie-on]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's
fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?", asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and asked 'How are you feeling?'.
"Now, what would YOU say?"

 

[biggbear8]

Only in America.... can a pizza get to
your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America.... are there
handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America.... do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries,and a diet coke.

5. Only in America.... do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America.... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America.... do we use
answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America.... do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.... do we use the
word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America.... do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER????????????????/

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98 or XP, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


In case you needed further proof that the
human race is doomed through stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions
on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while
sleeping. ( and that's the only time
I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a
winner! No purchase necessary.Details
inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions:
Use like regular soap." (and that would
be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
"just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on
bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread
Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating"
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do
not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough
Medicine: "Do not drive a
car or operate machinery
after taking this medication." (We
could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just
get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May
cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as
opposed to..what)?

On a Japanese food processor: "Not
to be used for the other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm
a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning:
contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly." (I don't blame the company.
I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not
attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals." (...was there a lot of
this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once,
it's your turn to spread the
stupidity and send this to someone you want to
bring a smile to (maybe even a
chuckle)...in other words send this to everyone. We all need to smile every
once in a while.

 

[biggbear8]

Porsche
> > >
> > A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
> > yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
> > > > >
> > He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
> > > > >
> > "With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
> > > > >
> > "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
> > > > >
> > So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that
> > for fifteen dollars?" they said.
> > > > >
> > "It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her
>name--they
> > just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to
> > buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
> > > > >
> > "Dear God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what
> > she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
> > > > >
> > So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
> > and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced
> > himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for
>fifteen
> > dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
> > > > >
> > "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
> > thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii
> > with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell
>his
> > new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
> > > > >
> > Are women good or what..!!!!!!!!!!!
> >
> >

 

[alwaysawake]

Funny, but I know someone who writes like this all the time...not really a joke, but interesting!



Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

 

[pleasteasme]

What did the Hurricane say to the Palm Tree?

"Hold on to your Nuts, because you are in for one helluva Blow JOB!!!


He He He. . .

*I crack myself up*

 

[biggbear8]

Mercedes 500SL convertible
>
>
>There was a senior citizen named Horace who bought a brand new
>Mercedes 500SL convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it
>up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair
>he had left on his head.
>
>"This is great," he thought and floored it some more.
>Then he looked in his rearview mirror. There was a highway patrol
>Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
>
>" I can get away from him with no problem" thought Horace,
>as he floored it some more and flew down the road at
>over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm far, far
>too old for this kind of thing," and pulled over to the side of the road
>and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
>
>The trooper pulled behind the Mercedes and walked up to Horace's 500SL.
>
> "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends
>in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me one good
>reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
>
> Horace looked back at the trooper and said, "Years ago my first wife ran off
>with a state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
>
>The state trooper replied, "Have a nice day."
>

 

[biggbear8]

Medical Sex Facts


1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile. (But who cares?)

2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world ... it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.

3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.

4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.

5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.

6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.

7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the Marines.

8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face. (For whom? )

9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy.

10."Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm.

11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counselor.

12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.

13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner.

14. You know that you've had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your eyes.

15. You know I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes.

16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand.

17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex).

19. Sex on an inclined surface (an anthill, for example) builds endurance.

20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds

or four to seven feet.

21. 1970 FDA approves spray-on Vaseline.

22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.

23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes.

24. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash.

 

[biggbear8]

A family is setting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a personal question? The father said ask away. The young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Can I ask a personal question? Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

 

[TheOverlord]

Got Guts?...


The Brooklyn Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job: Using Mafia reasoning, they figured if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up well over $50,000. Foolishly, he gets greedy and decides to keep the money. He then stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection money is late. The godfather then sends a couple of his toughest hoods after the deaf collector. When the hoods find the deaf collector they ask him where the money is.

The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the hoodlums drag the guy to a local Brooklyn interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says, he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hoodlum pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter turns to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about. And, he also said, he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"

 

[Guest]

Watch Out For Your Dog !

This came from a collie breeder in Virginia Beach.
Regardless of what breed we have, we can't be too careful.
Warning to all dog owners: Watch your dog!
Dogs are being picked off one at a time. They are falling in great
numbers.

Police in the state advise all dog owners to "Watch your Dog."

attached is a photo of the suspect

 

[tonitits]

Watch Out For Your Dog !

This came from a collie breeder in Virginia Beach.
Regardless of what breed we have, we can't be too careful.
Warning to all dog owners: Watch your dog!
Dogs are being picked off one at a time. They are falling in great
numbers.

Police in the state advise all dog owners to "Watch your Dog."

attached is a photo of the suspect

too cute Jasmine

 

[redrider4u]

It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and pussy...

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
advantage: Tie

If you get a hair in your teeth
consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy

Too much head makes you mad at the
person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is
still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer,
your wife may get mad. If you come home
smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not
drive. 6 pussies in a night and you
have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath,
you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath,
you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer
any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can
make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy
you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer,
you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work,
you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy
at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may
break. If you suddenly drop a pussy,
it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your
old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie

Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead,
Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

 

[carrie-on]

Mom's Affair

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it
is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?"

Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy -"$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a
baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man -"Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and
glove.

Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that
shit again!"

 

[carrie-on]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "THE" seven
dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack."Dopey
my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me
your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope
wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers,
"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of
the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare,
silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time all
of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around
and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere
in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin
chanting..

"Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

 

[TheOverlord]

A general store owner hires a shapely young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts -- and no panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the pretty clerk, and then glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The pretty clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with a most excellent view of her womanhood.

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man -- all staring in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to view the shapely clerk climbing up and down.

After a few trips the girl becomes is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.

"No," smiles the feeble old man...."But it sure is startin' to twitch."

 

[Guest]

(((Overlord)))
rofl ---too funny !!!!!

 

[alwaysawake]

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

[carrie-on]

....everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With the women gone, God looks at the two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."