Jokes

[carrie-on]

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
____________________________________________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
Marchday. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
___________________________________________________________________

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time....but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passengerseat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to
pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they
went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
____________________________________________________________
NURSING HOME
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her
in a chair
at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a
while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten
her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the
other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is
adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
_____________________________________________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________________________________________

SENILE
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She
yells
down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the
stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_____________________________________________________
DOWN AT THE NURSING HOME
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,
"Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at
him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
soup."
_____________________________________________________________
NURSING HOME II
An elderly man in a nursing home walks up to a woman sitting in her
wheelchair in the hallway. He looks at her and says, "I bet you can't
guess how old I am." The woman says, "I bet I can. Drop your
pants."
"What," the man exclaims, "why?" The woman continues to look at
him, so he slowly drops his pants.
The woman says, "You're 92." "That's right," says the man, pulling
up his pants. "How did you know?"
The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

 

[omahaman2]

From the folks who make the Invisible Fence for cats and dogs,
now comes the Invisible Fence Bra for your teenage daughter!

Using advanced electromagnetic technology, the Invisible Fence
Bra creates a safety zone around Daddy's Little Angel.

If a horny young bastard has decided to skip the Church social
and head right to the Devil's Playground, your daughter will be
safe and secure with this bra. Attempting to remove it without
keying in the secret combination results in a "slight correction"
to the horny young bastard.

Voltage levels are set in ten ascending doses including: "Don't Go
There, Boyfriend", "Freddy'll Lose His Fingers", "Rushin' Hands,
Electrocuted Fingers", "Char Your Fingers To The Bone", and,
the ultimate level, "Any Last Words Before We Throw The Switch?"

Ladies, do *you* have a boss that likes to reach over your shoulder
for a pencil on your desk?

The Invisible Fence Bra has an accessory which clips underneath
your chair.

When the boss's hand dips into the the "No Fly Zone", the magnetic
field of the bra triggers the mechanical arm of the accessory we
like to call: "Balls Through The Wall." Your boss can then apply
for a role on "The Sopranos."

Don't delay! Operators are standing by now.

 

[omahaman2]

What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
--Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy."
--Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? . . .Me neither."
--Drew Carey

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless
experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
--Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Unknown

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of
hard for him to come out of the closet."
--Bill Kelly

"As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and
clergymen."
--Rev. Sydney Smith

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on
Saturday night."
--Woody Allen

"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted
aren't burdened with children."
--Sam Austin

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
--George Burns

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting
married."
--Matt Barry

"Leaving sex to the clergy is like letting your dog vacation at
the taxidermist."
--Camille Paglia

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."
--Unknown

"My kid had sex with your honor student."
--Bumper Sticker

"My sexual preference is not you."
--Tshirt

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it
for the rest of your life."
--Michael Sinz

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."
--Woody Allen

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362
admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't
love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."
--Lynn Lavner

 

[TheOverlord]

From the folks who make the Invisible Fence for cats and dogs,
now comes the Invisible Fence Bra for your teenage daughter!

Using advanced electromagnetic technology, the Invisible Fence
Bra creates a safety zone around Daddy's Little Angel.

If a horny young bastard has decided to skip the Church social
and head right to the Devil's Playground, your daughter will be
safe and secure with this bra. Attempting to remove it without
keying in the secret combination results in a "slight correction"
to the horny young bastard.

Voltage levels are set in ten ascending doses including: "Don't Go
There, Boyfriend", "Freddy'll Lose His Fingers", "Rushin' Hands,
Electrocuted Fingers", "Char Your Fingers To The Bone", and,
the ultimate level, "Any Last Words Before We Throw The Switch?"

Ladies, do *you* have a boss that likes to reach over your shoulder
for a pencil on your desk?

The Invisible Fence Bra has an accessory which clips underneath
your chair.

When the boss's hand dips into the the "No Fly Zone", the magnetic
field of the bra triggers the mechanical arm of the accessory we
like to call: "Balls Through The Wall." Your boss can then apply
for a role on "The Sopranos."

Don't delay! Operators are standing by now.

if only!!!! very NICE and funny

 

[tonitits]

From the folks who make the Invisible Fence for cats and dogs,
now comes the Invisible Fence Bra for your teenage daughter!

Using advanced electromagnetic technology, the Invisible Fence
Bra creates a safety zone around Daddy's Little Angel.

If a horny young bastard has decided to skip the Church social
and head right to the Devil's Playground, your daughter will be
safe and secure with this bra. Attempting to remove it without
keying in the secret combination results in a "slight correction"
to the horny young bastard.

Voltage levels are set in ten ascending doses including: "Don't Go
There, Boyfriend", "Freddy'll Lose His Fingers", "Rushin' Hands,
Electrocuted Fingers", "Char Your Fingers To The Bone", and,
the ultimate level, "Any Last Words Before We Throw The Switch?"

Ladies, do *you* have a boss that likes to reach over your shoulder
for a pencil on your desk?

The Invisible Fence Bra has an accessory which clips underneath
your chair.

When the boss's hand dips into the the "No Fly Zone", the magnetic
field of the bra triggers the mechanical arm of the accessory we
like to call: "Balls Through The Wall." Your boss can then apply
for a role on "The Sopranos."

Don't delay! Operators are standing by now.

THAT would cut down the cases of sexual harassment!!!!!!!!

 

[alwaysawake]

While having drinks a man and a woman got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

 

[tonitits]

While having drinks a man and a woman got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

hehehe good point!!!!

 

[alwaysawake]

A mother-in-law stopped by her daughter-in-law's house, to give her some fruit. When her daughter-in-law opened the door, she was naked! "Oh my gosh! Why aren't you wearing anything?" exclaimed the mother-in-law. Very surprised, and shocked. "I'm wearing my love suit," replied the daughter-in-law. "You are crazy!" yelled the mother-in-law, and with that she left. A while later, she thought to herself that wearing a love suit wasn't such a bad idea so, she decided to try it. In the evening, when her husband opened the door, he exclaimed, "My god! Why are you naked? You are crazy!" She replied, "I'm wearing my love suit!" and he said, "Hmmm, it needs ironing!"

 

[tonitits]

A mother-in-law stopped by her daughter-in-law's house, to give her some fruit. When her daughter-in-law opened the door, she was naked! "Oh my gosh! Why aren't you wearing anything?" exclaimed the mother-in-law. Very surprised, and shocked. "I'm wearing my love suit," replied the daughter-in-law. "You are crazy!" yelled the mother-in-law, and with that she left. A while later, she thought to herself that wearing a love suit wasn't such a bad idea so, she decided to try it. In the evening, when her husband opened the door, he exclaimed, "My god! Why are you naked? You are crazy!" She replied, "I'm wearing my love suit!" and he said, "Hmmm, it needs ironing!"

Oh I bet he didn't get any LOVE that night!!!!

 

[tonitits]

ANDY ROONEY'S VIEW OF WOMEN OVER 40

Andy Rooney says.... "As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40
most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

And for those of you who are not, this is what you have to look forward to:



An over 40 woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,
"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If an over 40 woman doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's
usually something more interesting.

An over 40 woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,
what she is, what she wants, and from whom. Few women past the age of
40 give a darn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

An over 40 woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships"
and commitment." The last thing she wants in her life is another dopey,
clingy, whiny, dependent lover.

Over 40 women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with
you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course,
if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they
can get away with it.

Over 40 women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know
what it's like to be unappreciated.

An over 40 woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women
friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best
friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. A woman over 40
couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows
her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to
an over 40 woman. They always know.

An over 40 woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not
true of younger women.

Over 40 women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if
you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to
wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise over 40 women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately,
it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman
of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of
himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize...

Andy Rooney

 

[alwaysawake]

Don't kill me for this one, ladies!

What did one tit say to the other tit?
If we don't get some support soon, we'll both be nuts!

 

[tonitits]

Don't kill me for this one, ladies!

What did one tit say to the other tit?
If we don't get some support soon, we'll both be nuts!

 

[alwaysawake]

Hee hee... Pfffffffffftttttt!

 

[tonitits]

>Please support this cause!!!
>We have been informed that the people
>MiddleEast do not like to be
>
> >called "towel heads" or "rag heads". The item they
>
> >wear on their heads is actually a small sheet.
>
> >So from now on please call them "little sheet heads."
>
> >Thank you for your support!!!!

 

[omahaman2]

Don't kill me for this one, ladies!

What did one tit say to the other tit?
If we don't get some support soon, we'll both be nuts!

"jenny suggested a book for me to read to enhance our
relationship.

It's entitled, 'Women are From Venus, Men Are Just WRONG.'"

 

[omahaman2]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got
canned. I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't
hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for
it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too
exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice
to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.

Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit
in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't
live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit
for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a
job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because
it was always the same old grind.

So, I retired and found I'm perfect for the job!

 

[omahaman2]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/computers/images/amish_virus.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the
>traffic
>slowly built up at an alarming rate.
>The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run
over
>at
>a rate of three to six a day.
>
>So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've
got to
>do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all
of
>my
>chickens."
>
>"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
>
>"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
>
>So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that
>said:
>
>
> > >>
> >> >>> SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've
got
>to
> >>> do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign
seems to
>make
> >>> them go even faster."
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put
up a
>new
> >>> sign:
> >>> SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> That really sped them up.
> >>>
> >>> So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three
weeks.
> >>>
> >>> Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can
I
>put up
> >>> my own sign?"
> >>>
> >>> The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
> >>>
> >>> He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in
order to
>get
> >>> him to stop calling everyday to complain.
> >>> The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks
later,
> >>> curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give
Farmer
>John a call.
> >>>
> >>> "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
> >>>
> >>> "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then.
I've
>got
> >>> to go. I'm very busy."
> >>>
> >>> He hung up the phone.
> >>>
> >>> The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself,
"I'd
>better
> >>> go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be
something
>that WE
> >>> could use to slow down drivers."
> >>>
> >>> So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw
dropped
>the
> >>> moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
> >>>

SLOW : NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW FOR THE CHICKS

 

[omahaman2]

NASA has finally landed the first mouse on Mars

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/misc/images/mousemars.jpg

 

[~Elizabeth~]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the
>traffic
>slowly built up at an alarming rate.
>The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run
over
>at
>a rate of three to six a day.
>
>So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've
got to
>do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all
of
>my
>chickens."
>
>"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
>
>"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
>
>So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that
>said:
>
>
> > >>
> >> >>> SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've
got
>to
> >>> do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign
seems to
>make
> >>> them go even faster."
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put
up a
>new
> >>> sign:
> >>> SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> That really sped them up.
> >>>
> >>> So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three
weeks.
> >>>
> >>> Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can
I
>put up
> >>> my own sign?"
> >>>
> >>> The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
> >>>
> >>> He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in
order to
>get
> >>> him to stop calling everyday to complain.
> >>> The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks
later,
> >>> curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give
Farmer
>John a call.
> >>>
> >>> "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
> >>>
> >>> "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then.
I've
>got
> >>> to go. I'm very busy."
> >>>
> >>> He hung up the phone.
> >>>
> >>> The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself,
"I'd
>better
> >>> go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be
something
>that WE
> >>> could use to slow down drivers."
> >>>
> >>> So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw
dropped
>the
> >>> moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
> >>>

SLOW : NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW FOR THE CHICKS

Hey sweetie, I'm glad you found the punchline for that, its hilarious and was worth the wait. I can just see the traffic jam on that road now!!

Hugs!!

 

[TheOverlord]

NASA has finally landed the first mouse on Mars

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/misc/images/mousemars.jpg

LOL!!!

 

[Sassy~Smile]

LITTLE RABBIT IS HAPPILY RUNNING THROUGH THE FOREST
>WHEN HE STUMBLES UPON A GIRAFFE ROLLING A JOINT.
>
>THE RABBIT LOOKS AT HER & SAYS, "GIRAFFE MY FRIEND, WHY DO YOU DO
THIS?
>COME WITH ME RUNNING THROUGH THE FOREST, YOU'LL SEE YOU'LL FELL SO
MUCH
>BETTER!"
>
>THE GIRAFFE LOOKS AT HIM, LOOKS AT THE JOINT, TOSSES IT & GOES OFF
RUNNING
>WITH THE RABBIT.
>
>THEN THEY COME ACROSS AN ELEPHANT DOING COKE, SO THE RABBIT SAYS,
"ELEPHANT
>MY FRIEND, WHY DO YOU DO THIS? THINK ABOUT YOUR HEALTH! COME RUNNING
WITH
>US THROUGH THE FOREST, YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL FELL SO GOOD!"
>
>THE ELEPHANT LOOKS AT THEM, LOOKS AT HIS RAZOR, MIRROR & ALL THEN
TOSSES
>THEM & STARTS RUNNING WITH THE RABBIT AND GIRAFFE THE THREE ANIMALS
THEN
>COME ACROSS A LION ABOUT TO SHOOT UP WITH HEROIN.
>
>"LION MY FRIEND, WHY DO YOU DO THIS? THINK ABOUT YOUR HEALTH! COME
RUNNING
>WITH US THROUGH THE FOREST YOU'LL FELL SO GOOD!"
>
>THE LION LOOKS AT HIM, PUTS DOWN HIS NEEDLE, & STARTS TO BEAT THE
LIVING
>CRAP OUT OF THE RABBIT.
>
>THE GIRAFFE & ELEPHANT WATCH IN HORROR, AND ASK THE LION "WHY DO YOU
DO
>THIS? HE WAS MERELY TRYING TO HELP US ALL!"
>
>THE LION ANSWERS, "EVERY TIME HE'S ON ECSTASY THAT LITTLE FUCKER MAKES
ME
>RUN AROUND THE FOREST LIKE AN IDIOT FOR HOURS!"

 

[alwaysawake]

Some of the artists from the 60's are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us.. good news, for those feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes...

Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, you've got a Lovely Walker"

The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

Ringo Starr - "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends"

Creedence Clearwater Revival - "I Heard it Through the Grape Nuts"

Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

ABBA - "Denture Queen"

Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose your Liver"

Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"

Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"

 

[TheOverlord]

a Joke that is better Told but it's the favorite around the office....


There's 2 muffins in an oven....

one muffin turns to the other and says,


"Is it hot in here or is it just me?"


the other muffin says,


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH a TALKING MUFFIN!!!!

 

[alwaysawake]

Don't know whether this would be considered a joke...this is a modified US Constitution that somebody conjured up. I don't necessarily agree with everything here and don't expect you to, either.

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other assorted bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any
other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire
them, but nobody is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not
just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be ... and like the rest of us you need to simply deal with it.

ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing
generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would
be nice, but from the looks of public housing, you are just not
interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people.
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't
be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric
chair.

ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other
citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock
you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big
screen color TV, pool tables, weight rooms or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII:
You don't have the right to a job. All of us want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of part time jobs,
education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness --which by
the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X:
This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from. We welcome you here.. English is our language and like
the one you left behind, we also have a culture. Learn it or go back to the country and the living conditions you were fleeing.