Jokes

[alwaysawake]

These are a bit tacky, but what the hey...

A little boy walks in on his grandma taking a shower and points at her pussy and asks “what is it” grandma replies "its a beaver". A few days later the little boy walks in on his mom in the shower and points at her pussy and says, "I know that is a beaver”. The mom curious asked, “who told you.” The child said, "grandma had one but it looked like it was dead because its tongue was hanging out."



----------------------------------------------------------

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

 

[alwaysawake]

Another questionable one...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice, but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let’s see...34 sleeve and 16 and a half. Neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9- ½ E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

[redrider4u]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though
she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse
immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs
for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's
neck, but she slides down the side of the horse
anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its
slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the
blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throws
herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has
become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the
mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is
struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is
mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her
great fortune...............

Earl, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and
unplugs the horse

 

[omahaman2]

http://www.1lovecards.com/ecard/StarterPics/Humor/remote.jpg

 

[tonitits]

http://www.1lovecards.com/ecard/StarterPics/Humor/remote.jpg

rofl! That is great!!!!

 

[alwaysawake]

Oman, those remotes ARE the truth! LMAO (Do you and Jenny have a pair?? )

 

[tonitits]

Oman, those remotes ARE the truth! LMAO (Do you and Jenny have a pair?? )

That's what YOUR remote looks like????

 

[omahaman2]

lol AA
yes we do but i never get to use mine LOL

 

[alwaysawake]

That's what YOUR remote looks like????

Yes, I am a basic man...that seems to cover all the bases!

 

[tonitits]

Yes, I am a basic man...that seems to cover all the bases!

 

[alwaysawake]

LOL Oman...but there should be a "COMBO" button for when the eating and sex are done together!

 

[tonitits]

LOL Oman...but there should be a "COMBO" button for when the eating and sex are done together!

I guess that one would have only one button on it?

 

[alwaysawake]

I guess that one would have only one button on it?

Nahhhhhh, just a third option!

 

[tonitits]

Nahhhhhh, just a third option!

oh ok!

 

[alwaysawake]

oh ok!

Help, Oman! How do you and Jenny do it?! This woman drives me nutso! LMAO

 

[tonitits]

Help, Oman! How do you and Jenny do it?! This woman drives me nutso! LMAO

Ahhh SHADDUP!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[alwaysawake]

Ahhh SHADDUP!!!!!!!!!!!

(You are ALL bluff and NO stuff!) Time to stop hijacking this thread!

 

[tonitits]

(You are ALL bluff and NO stuff!) Time to stop hijacking this thread!

Subject: Fw: Little Old Lady


PROMISE YOU WILL LAUGH

This is funny and I can't risk any bad luck. Never under
estimate the little old lady.....

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,
carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must
speak with the president of the Bank to open a savings
account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally
ushered her into the president's office (the customer is
always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would
like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the
cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came
by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised
you're carrying so much cash around.
"Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can
never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are
not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot
of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow
at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from
side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the
lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's
balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked
him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if
she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money,
so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his
head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's
the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM
today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

 

[biggbear8]

Rolex&Timex
>
>
> A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs,
and
> asked her what their names were.
>
> The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named
> Timex.
>
>
> Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
>
> "HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
>
>

 

[biggbear8]

Looks like my Ford is the second most popular invention, and I thought I bought the most popular truck in America.


"Fords and Women"

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him,
''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.'' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says,
''I want to hang out with God Himself.''



The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.
Ford then asks God,
''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?''
God asks, ''What do you mean?''
''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.



...just to name a few.''
''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.''
God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.
God then turns to Ford, and says,
''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

 

[biggbear8]

This explains why we forward jokes.
>
>
>
> A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was
enjoying
the
> scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He
remembered
> dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.
He
> wondered where the road was leading them....
>
>
>
>
>
> After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one
side
of
> THE ROAD. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill it
was
> broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was
standing
> before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like
Mother of
> Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
>
>
>
>
>
> He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he
saw
a
> man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out,
"Excuse
> me, where are we?"
>
>
>
>
>
> "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
>
>
>
>
>
> "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
>
>
> Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water
brought
> right UP." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
>
>
>
>
>
> "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the
> traveler asked.
>
>
>
>
>
> "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
>
>
>
>
>
> The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road
and
> continued the way he had been going with his dog.
>
>
>
>
>
> After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill,
he
came
> to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had
never
> been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a
man
> inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
>
>
>
>
>
> "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
>
>
>
>
>
> "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there".
>
>
>
>
>
> The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside
the
> gate. "Come on in."
>
>
>
>
>
> "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
>
>
>
>
>
> "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the
gate,
and
> sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside
it.
>
>
>
>
>
> The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself,
then he
> GAVE SOME to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back
toward
> THE MAN who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
>
>
>
>
>
> "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
>
>
>
>
>
> This is Heaven," he answered.
>
>
>
>
>
> "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the
road
> said that was Heaven, too."
>
>
>
>
>
> "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?
Nope.
> That's Hell."
>
>
>
>
>
> "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
>
>
>
>
>
> "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy
that
they
> screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
>
>
>
>
>
> Soooo...
>
>
>
>
>
> Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us
without
> writing a word, maybe this could explain:
>
>
>
>
>
> When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess
what
> you do? You forward jokes.
>
>
>
>
>
> When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact,
you
> forward jokes.
>
>
>
>
>
> When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't
know
> how, you forward jokes.
>
>
>
>
>
> And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are
still
> important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what
you
get?
>
>
>
>
>
> A forwarded joke.
>
>
>
>
>
> So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that
you've
> been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought
of
today
> and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you
a
smile
>
>
>
>
>

 

[alwaysawake]

OK ladies...here's your man-bashing joke for the week--

A female brain cell was lost one day, and found itself inside a man’s head. Looking around, she saw that it was all very dark and empty. She started to get a little afraid, so she called out nervously, “Is anyone here?” With the only thing coming back to her being the echo of her own voice, she called a little louder, “Can anyone hear me?” Still there was no response. By now, the female brain cell was quite frightened and she called out loudly again, “IS THERE ANYONE HERE!” From far away she heard a little voice reply, “Hello, were all down here…”

 

[Guest]

Rolex&Timex
>
>
> A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs,
and
> asked her what their names were.
>
> The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named
> Timex.
>
>
> Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
>
> "HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
>
>

*groan* rofl !! that was a good one !!

 

[alwaysawake]

Here's the newest one on the block...esp. for those getting older--

C-NILE VIRUS

C-NILE VIRUS Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a virus out there called the C-Nile Virus that even the most advanced AntiVirus programs cannot take care of, so be warned. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958!

Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mails.
3. Causes you to send to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send jokes back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to wonder who all the people in your address book are.
7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

 

[omahaman2]

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar
in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his
apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom
and made love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,"So...you
finish?" She paused for a second, frowned and replied, "No".
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making
resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams
of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles,
and again he asks, "You finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles
closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the
young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his
strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously,
screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The
exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn
his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks
again, "You finish!?"
Barely able to speak,she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian."