Jokes

[LdyBGemini]

A Zebra...

A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him,
>"You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with
>black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"
>
>St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since
>he's the one that made him.
>
>So the zebra asked God, "God, am I a white horse with black
>stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"
>
>God answered, "You are what you are."
>
>The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him, "Well I
>asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black
>horse with white stripes..."
>
>"How do you know that?" asked the zebra.
>
>"Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would
>have said: 'You is what you is.'"

 

[higherlevel4u]

Communication . . .

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.stfun.com/art/fam4.gif

 

[English Lady]

*LMAO* oh you guys floor me!



This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.
About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."

Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.

"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.

Ian replied, "Pepper."

 

[LdyBGemini]

cartoon

 

[barn888]

http://www.stfun.com/art/fam4.gif

HAHAHA!

 

[~Elizabeth~]

Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then interrupts:

"Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better, your finger or your ear?"

 

[biggbear8]

A young blonde was on
vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the
worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very
frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde
shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said,
"By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an
alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward
her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the
swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

 

[biggbear8]

: Guardian Angel (Gender Jokes)


A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice:"Stop!Stand still!If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop!Stand still!If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him."Where are you?" the man asked."Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where the hell were you when I got married?"

 

[higherlevel4u]

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

 

[English Lady]

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said. He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"
"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."

 

[English Lady]

Q: Who's Bigger -- Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's son?

A: His son, he's a little Bigger.

 

[biggbear8]

Recognition ===

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack
and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a
near-death experience.

Seeing God, she asked if this was it.

God said, "No, you have another 43
years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay
in the hospital and have a facelift,
liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy
tuck, etc. She even had someone come
in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the
most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the
last operation, and while crossing
the street was killed by an ambulance
speeding to the hospital.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another
40 years?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

 

[biggbear8]

Golfer's Lament ===

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country
club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury
of a complimentary caddy.

Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day.
Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake
off to the left of the fairway.

He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played
so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go
drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I
don't think you could keep your head down
that long."

 

[higherlevel4u]

*LOL*

Another golf one:

Two guys are out on the course, just starting their usual Saturday morning round when a funeral cortege passes by. The one guy stops playing, takes off his cap and holds it against his chest, head bowed, as the procession goes by.

His friend is really impressed and says "Wow, that was really good of you to do that and pay your respects"

"it was the least I could do" said the other guy "she'd been a wonderful wife to me over the years . . ."

 

[TheOverlord]

just joining the forum

 

[TheOverlord]

one more..."Family Wisdom"

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his oldest grandson to his bedside. "Grandason, I wanna you lisina me. I wanna you to taka my chroma-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

The younger man holds his old grandfather's hand and pats it. "But Pappa, I really don't like guns, and I would not want to offend you. But how about leaving me your 24 karat gold Rolex watch instead?"


The grandfather pulls his hand away. "You lisina me, soma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wifea, you gonna hava lotsa money, a biga gorgeousa homea and maybe a couple bambinos... Thena soma day you goina coma homea, and maybe a you finda you wifea in bed with another manna...


Whata you gonna do then? Huh? Pointa to youa watch and say... TIME'SA UP?"

 

[higherlevel4u]

Re: one more..."Family Wisdom"

A chinese guy calls his boss one day:

"Boss, me sick, no come work today"

His boss says " Tell you something, whenever I feel sick, know what I do? I go and have long passionate sex with my wife, never fails to cure me. You try it."

Chinese guy calls the boss later in the day and says "You right boss! Me feeling better now. Oh, and you got nice house!"

 

[Divingman]

what 4 letter word ends in UNT and can only refer to a women?

 

[Divingman]

AUNT

 

[higherlevel4u]

Mommy! Mommy! There's a man at the front door with a bill . . .

Don't be silly, dear, it must be a duck with a hat on . . .

 

[Divingman]

Donald Duck was staying at a hotel and arranged for a prostitute to visit him in his room. To his dismay, she wouldn't have full sex without a condom which he didn't have. He rang reception and asked for room service to bring up a packet. The clerk said, "Shall i put it on your bill"? And Donald replied, "Do u think I'm a pervert"?

 

[biggbear8]

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a
>difference for an organization:
>
>Last week, we took some friends out to a new
>restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took
>our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
>seemed a little strange.
>When the busboy brought our water and utensils,we
>noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
>Then I looked around saw that all the staff had
>spoons in their pockets.
>When the waiter came back to serve our soup I
>asked, "Why the spoon?"
>"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired
>Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.
>After several months of analysis, they concluded that
>the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
>represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons
>per table per hour. If our personnel are better
>prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to
>the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
>As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he
>was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get
>another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
>making an extra trip to get it right now." I was
>impressed.
>I also noticed that there was a string hanging out
>of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that
>all the waiters had
>the same string hanging from their flies. So before
>he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can
>you tell me why you have that string right there?"
>"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not
>everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I
>mentioned also found out that we can save time in the
>restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you
>know what, we can pull it out without touching it and
>eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening
>the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
>"Yes, but after you get it out, how do you put it
>back in?"
>"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the
>others, but I use the spoon."

 

[biggbear8]

GREAT JOKES ALL THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR POSTING THEM

ROFLMAO I HOPE EVERYONE IS ENJOYING THEM PLEASE KEEP POSTING ALL YOUR JOKES EVERYONE NEEDS A LAUGH AT SOMETIME


THANK YOU ALL AGAIN FOR POSTING YOUR JOKES

 

[higherlevel4u]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."