Jokes

[Succulent-one]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a handsome, debonair, retired F-105 pilot in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first ."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired fighter pilot and asks, "Can you top that?" The old pilot replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."

 

[wally2450]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a handsome, debonair, retired F-105 pilot in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first ."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired fighter pilot and asks, "Can you top that?" The old pilot replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."

lmao!

 

[wally2450]

Ethics
Here is a very good test of your ethics: This test only has one
Question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it
without
Giving it some serious thought. By giving An honest answer you will be
Able to test where you stand morally.

You're in Florida.. In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos
going
On around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge
Masses of water all about you. You are a news photographer and you are
In the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.

You're trying to shoot impressive photos, photos that capture the
Emotion and tragedy of the events. Houses and people are floating
Around you, disappearing into the water! Nature is showing all her
Destroying power, ripping everything asunder.

Suddenly you see a woman in the water She is fighting for her life,
Trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You know who
It is - it's Hillary Clinton!

At the moment you recognize who she is, you also notice that the
Raging waters are about to take her away, forever. You realize you
Have two options. You can save her or you can take the best photo of
Your life. You can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot
a
Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the actual
Moment of death of one of the world's most powerful women.

And here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of
classic

Black and white ?

 

[Succulent-one]

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my annual physical. My blood pressure was high, My cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.

I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy

 

[wally2450]

Two Women

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen
each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other
up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children,
homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says "It's
OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's
yours?" Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you
would go for that." "Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I
masturbate."

 

[wally2450]

Doctor Visit

The young girl was seated in her doctor's office.

"Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the
physician, "and there is every indication that you are
going to have twins."

"But how can that be, doctor?" the girl protested.
"I've never been out on a double date in my life!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/187300.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/187336.jpg

 

[wally2450]

You know you live in a small town when...

1.. It has an aquarium -- stocked with a live minnows

2.. The town newspaper is published monthly

3.. The town is named after EVERYONE'S distant relative.

4.. It was founded on April Fools' Day as a practical joke.

5.. The Ice Cream store has only two flavors, chocolate and
vanilla.

6.. There's no hospital -- only a first aid kit

7.. For fun on Saturday nights, people drive up and down main
street.

8.. There's no bank... as soon as someone gets enough money,
they leave.

9.. The only traffic jam's are caused when a farmer drives down
Main Street on his combine.

10.. The local phone book has a yellow page.

l1.. Third Street is on the edge of town

12 The 7-11 is only open from 8 - 5.

13.. The only road crossing Main Street is a dirt road.

14.. The New Year's baby was born in October.

15.. The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both direction

16.. There's no place to go that you shouldn't

17.. "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes

18.. At the last beauty contest, nobody won 2nd or 3rd.

 

[wally2450]

My friend Gary was sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty
young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honored
icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she
gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful
conversation. Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem
like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working
girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of
me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but,
since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I cum, I
go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture,
and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that
last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he
replied.
===========================
A kitty and a rooster held a race. They reached a stream. The cat
said to the rooster, "I'm not jumping that -- you KNOW cats hate
getting wet!" The rooster replied, "Don't be a chicken -- just back
up and take a flying leap!" The cat tried, and landed in the middle
of the stream. The rooster smiled contentedly. "What's so bloody
funny?" asked the cat. The rooster answered, "Well, NOTHING pleases a
cock more'n seeing a wet pussy!"
==============================
During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his
congregation that The entire range of human experience could be found
in the Holy Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to
humans, it is described somewhere in the Holy Bible." After the
service, a woman came up to the preacher and said "Reverend, I don't
think the Holy Bible mentions anything about PMS." The preacher told
the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere
in scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-
by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and Verse-by-verse. On the following
Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any
references to PMS in the Bible?" The preacher smiled, opened his
Bible and began to read, "... And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way
to Bethlehem."

 

[wally2450]

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The
young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the
action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running
onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend,
"Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man
next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's
the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl.
Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/187654.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

I tell you, I think it is going to be a bad day... I rear ended a car this morning...

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, then...... which one ARE you?"

That's when the fight started...

 

[wally2450]

Q: What's a feminist's definition of well-informed?
A: Somebody with opinions exactly the same as theirs.

 

[wally2450]

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

" That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/187881.jpg

 

[NorthernPA4U]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . . .

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

[NorthernPA4U]

Sexual contract:

http://www.youtube.com/v/MInsLIzLQe8

 

[wally2450]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . . .

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Poor blondes!

 

[wally2450]

Sexual contract:

http://www.youtube.com/v/MInsLIzLQe8

Excellent!

 

[wally2450]

...and what men really mean...
"I'm going fishing."

Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."

Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you
have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car
I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3
days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/188633.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A young buck went into a large store for a packet of rubbers. "Have
you tried the rainbow ones?" asked the assistant, "We've got red
ones, blue ones, green ones, orange ones, yellow ones, plus a few
other different colors." "I'll try the lot," said the young man
adventurously. Six months later, he appeared in the same store with a
rather sorry looking young girl asking for maternity dresses. The
same assistant served them asking, "What bust, madam?" "The blue
one," The young man said sadly.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/188635.jpg

 

[wally2450]

WATER

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.