Jokes

[Succulent-one]

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, then Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope met his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world".

The Pope thought about this and, since he had never held a golf club in his life, asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We could offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match."

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus", said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed,

"I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.

 

[Sioux City Male]

The 3 tragedies in a man's life:

1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!

 

[wally2450]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

[wally2450]

Diary

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road
and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his
kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she
jerked away, got out of the car in a hurry, and ran home. Later that
night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two
legs." On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they
were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once
again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later
that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends
are her own two legs." On the third date, the pair returned to the
country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That
night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best
of friends must part."

 

[wally2450]

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

 

[wally2450]

Gorgeous Red Haired Beauty

The doctor had just completed his examination of the
gorgeous red-haired beauty.

"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic,
as he regained some of his professional dignity, "that
you discontinue some of your running around. Stop
drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above
all you will have to start eating properly and getting
to bed early."

Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not
have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you
have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"

 

[wally2450]

Bill and Lynn had married under none too happy circumstances, and
their
married life had not been anything to brag about either.
But when, after they had lived together for thirty five years, Bill
went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of
Michigan
gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the
judge demanded to know the grounds on which Bill based his demand for
an annulment.
"It's like this, your Honor," answered Bill, "I've just learned that
Lynn's father never had a license to carry a gun."

 

[wally2450]

Beer, the Wheel and politics

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of
nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the
mountains during the summer and would go to the coast
and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were
the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These
were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that
was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass
bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while
our early humans were sitting around waiting for them
to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals
to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This
was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative
movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
learned to live off the conservatives by showing up
for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of
the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into
women. The rest became known as girliemen, also
referred to Metrosexuals.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, wearing matching clothes
between spouses, the invention of group therapy, group
hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide
how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by
the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the
elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.
They eat raw fish but like their beef welldone. Sushi,
tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of
their women have higher testosterone levels than their
men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are
engineers, IT persons, big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, athletes, Marines and generally anyone who
works productively. Conservatives who own companies
hire other conservatives who want to work for a
living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West
was tamed and created a business of trying to get more
for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should
be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A
Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be
forwarded immediately to other true believers and to
more liberals just to tick them off.

 

[wally2450]

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man
discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal
correspondence. He went into the small town nearby and found only an
old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice
looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do
you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can until I have an
orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

 

[wally2450]

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession
going down Main St. Watching for awhile, he observed that
the cortege consisted entirely of men and that it was led
by a man holding a Doberman pincher on a leash. WHen his
curiosity got the better of him, he walked up to the man at
the front of the line. "Excuse me for interrupting you in
your time of grief," said Hank politely, "but I've never
seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me
who it's for."

It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner. Tightening
the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman
here killed her."

"Gee,..that's terrible," commiserated Hank. "But,...hmmmm...
is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder
and answered, "Get in line."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/163777.gif

 

[wally2450]

Date

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eozqpG0X0PA

 

[wally2450]

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes,
he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so
scared that When my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with
the woman next door."



Bud and Dan went to a strip bar to watch the girls. They're having a
good time; but one of the strippers walks back over to Bud with a
mean look on her face.

She says, " You can't tip me with Monopoly money! It's FAKE!!"

Well, Bud looks up at her and says back, "Well, look at those
titties, their FAKE!!"

 

[wally2450]

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so
they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down
to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to
give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one
with the best answer would get the job. The question was: There is a
man and a woman in bed, naked. The woman is lying on her side with
her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the
woman's back. What is the man's name? Well, after the 24 hours was
up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one
says " My answer is, there IS no answer." The second one says " My
answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the
information we were given." The THIRD one says " I'm not exactly
sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either Willie
Turner or Willie Taylor." He got the job!

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/164036.jpg

 

[wally2450]

THE PAP SMEAR

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist.
Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell
me
that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school,
and it was already around 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office
took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when
making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make
the
full effort.

So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet
the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a
quick
wash in "that area" to make sure it was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
hopped
in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was
called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure most of you do,
I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side
of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a
million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an
extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond.

When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief
and went home. The rest of the day was normal...some
shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing,
she called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my
washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She
replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink.
It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

 

[wally2450]

A child asks his mother, "Do all fairy tales begin with, 'Once upon a
time?'"
His mother answers, "No, dear. Once in a while they begin with 'I'll
be
working late at the office tonight.'"
"Does Daddy tell you fairy tales like that ?"
"He used to."
"What made him stop ?"
"One day he told me he'd be working late, and I said, 'Can I depend
on
that ?'"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/164377.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Quotes

"Donald Rumsfeld back in the news. He's writing a book
about his experiences as secretary of Defense. Apparently,
he has no problem starting a book, he just has no idea
how to end the damn thing."
- Craig Ferguson

"Paris Hilton hysteria is starting to die down. I spotted
her at LAX wearing a dark wig and a straw hat. She went to
Maui. Which is nice because ever since Don died, Hawaii's
been looking for a new 'Ho'."
- Jimmy Kimmel

"She (Paris Hilton) said she had to eat mystery meat. I
think I've actually seen video of her doing that."
- David Letterman

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/164419.jpg

 

[Morrigu]

Are you ready for children?

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

** MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

** TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

** GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

** DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

** FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

** NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

** PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

** PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

** FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

 

[wally2450]

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

** MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

** TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

** GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

** DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

** FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

** NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

** PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

** PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

** FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

 

[wally2450]

George W. was terribly depressed after the latest public opinion poll
and presidential popularity ratings. He got the bright idea of
quizzing the spirit of Abraham Lincoln, so he got his aides to
organize a seance: "O, great Lincoln, immortal icon of the Republican
Party, help me! I am beset by enemies overseas, hounded by the
Liberal Media, criticized even by members of my own political party.
What must I do to get out this hornets' nest? What's the best
decision I could make for the American people?" And the Shade of
Lincoln answered: "Lincoln here. Take it easy, Dubya. You just need a
change of pace. Do what I did. Take a night off and go to the theatre."

 

[wally2450]

On The Farm

The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college
education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the
train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter
whispered,
"I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more." The old
man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I
made
to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"

 

[done_got_old]

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”