Jokes

[wally2450]

One friend of Sam met him and he was very angry. The friend asked him
what happened and the blonde guy, Sam, said, "My wife just delivered
twins..."

Surprised, his friend said, "So!?! You should be happy! Why are you
so angry???"

Guess what Sam replied, banging his hands together... "I want to know
which S.O.B. is the father of the second child!!!"



The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as
his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to
forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied
he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still
unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his
question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded
except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how
a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the
world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly
turned around and said: "It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."

 

[wally2450]

Blond Visits The Bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $25.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000 on a $250,000 car?"

The blond looks at him coolly and replies "Where else in New York City can I park my car in a guarded lot for two weeks for only $25.41?"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/165068.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A young French girl was visiting New York when her cash funds run dry and
her visa expired. She met a sailor who agreed to stow her aboard his ship
that was about to sail. Every day he would bring her food and drink and
in return all she had to do was give him a bit of love. Lacking much choice,
the girl agreed.

And so everyday, the sailor brought some food and would get some loving in
return. This went on for several weeks until the captain saw the sailor
sneaking around with a tray of food and the whole affair was uncovered.
The captain felt obliged to apologize to the girl:

"I'm very sorry about all that has happened to you, but you have to admit
the sailor is smart. Do you know you're on the Staten Island Ferry?"

 

[wally2450]

After dinner, Susie settled on the couch next to John and started
removing his clothes. Wordlessly, she made it clear that they were
going to make love. Afterward, John said, "That was very nice, but
why didn't you just say something?" Susie purred, "At dinner you said
you'd like a little peace and quiet tonight. Well, you got your
little piece, and I was being quiet!"

 

[wally2450]

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and
permanently set.



Marriage certificate

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."

Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

 

[wally2450]

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court, when I noticed
an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and
blue.

The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter
old man, never done anything wild in your life?

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

[wally2450]

The husband and wife were undressing one night when she said, "Joyce
and Mary were talking about their husbands' anatomy today. Joyce said
that her husband filled out his shorts so well that they hired him to
model jockey shorts." Her husband said, "So?" "Then Mary said her
husband got so long and hard that they hired him to model condoms."
"I hope you stood up for me," he said. "I did," his wife replied." I
told them you could be a model, too." "Thank you." "If," she went on,
"anybody needed a model for a cocktail wiener."


Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when
the first one says: "My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two
girls at once." The other replies, "Yeah, most men do. What did you
tell him?" I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you
want to piss off two?

 

[wally2450]

Four old duffers are pounding their balls around the links
when a sudden thunderstorm pops up. >>ZAP<< A bolt of
lightning kills all four in one stroke. Soon, they find themselves at
the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter is all upset, papers flying in the air, "You guys aren't
supposed to be here yet. It's not your time! I'll tell ya what...I can
put you all back on Earth to finish out your days, but you have to
decide how. That is, everyone down there already knows you're all
dead,
so I can't send you back as who you were. Figure it out amongst
yourselves and I'll check back with you later."

Some time goes by and St. Peter returns, "Well, have you decided how
you
want to go back?"

One of the golfers steps forward, "St. Peter, we've decided that we
all
want to go back to earth as lesbians."

"LESBIANS!" St. Peter shouts, "why lesbians?"

"Well, sir, we all love to eat pussy and we wanna hit from
the red tees."

 

[wally2450]

Foxholes

During the Persian Gulf War, the Marine Corps unit had
to dig foxholes every time they changed positions. Once,
when a private was making his trench, he complained to
the sergeant, "Why do we have to do this stupid digging?"

Then there was a loud explosion a hundred feet away.

"What was that?" asked the private.

"That," replied the sergeant, "is called incentive."







Ask a question

An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their
dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks up. "Can I ask
you a question, Max?"

"Sure Minnie," Max says, waiting to dig into his meal.

"Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?"

"Yes, indeed!" Max replied. "For the twenty years I was
a bachelor!"

 

[wally2450]

There was a schoolteacher in the little old school which was teaching
sex ed. The class was comprised of only 8 students, due to the size
of the school. One of the little girls there asked, "According to the
Bible, it says that Adam came first, then Eve. The teacher replied,
"Yes, dear, that is true, according to the Word Of God." The girl
responded, "Daddy always told me it is Ladies before Gentlemen.
Didn't that rule apply during the Creation time?" Our teacher gets a
smile on her face... she said, "Dearie, Adam came first -- trust me!
And every man since him came first, too!"


My brother told me he's going to visit his son who lives in a
university dorm. "I hope you're not just planning on showing up," I
said. "No, I gave him fair warning. I called him and told him: 'hide
the bongs, the booze and the dildos--me and mom are coming for a
visit." "What did he say?" "He said, 'Dad, you know I don't drink or
do drugs.'"

 

[wally2450]

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old Texas
rancher (whose hand got caught in a gate while working cattle), a
doctor asked the old man what he thought about George W. Bush being
in the White House. The old Texan said, 'Well, ya know, Bush is a
'post turtle.'' Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked
him what a post turtle was. The old man said, 'When you're riding the
range and checking fences, and you come across a fence post with a
turtle balanced on top of it, that's a post turtle.' The doctor still
had a puzzled look on his face, so the old man continued to explain,
'You know he didn't get up there by himself, you know he doesn't
belong there, he sure as heck can't get anything done while he's up
there,... and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down.

 

[wally2450]

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a
respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary
society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive
through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the
reception. "William, what are those women doing leaning against
lampposts?" "Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for
sex at fifty dollars a time." "Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the
bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."

 

[wally2450]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went
before the Congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion,
they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so
would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive
and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the
preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how
much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a
gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the
back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we
wear rubbers." And the Congregation said, "Amen."

 

[wally2450]

Beverly Computer-billies

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
(Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...)

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Silicon Valley...
(Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...)

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
(OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...)

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and managers were getting’ mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
(Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...)

Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
(Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...)

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, and watch the bosses squirm.
(Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...)
Y'all come back now... ya hear'

 

[wally2450]

The parlor maid in the home of a famous acting family was openly
desired and admired by the nineteen-year-old son of the household. He
schemed and schemed, but could think of no way to get the young woman
into his bed. Finally, one evening, opportunity presented itself and
he persuaded the young miss to join him between the sheets. Much to
his despair and chagrin, his weapon refused to come to attention.
"Don't feel so bad," the parlor maid said. "The same thing often
happens to your father."


Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream
louder in bed. The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed
out and listened to the girl moan for a bit. The second one went in
and the girl screamed a little bit harder. When the third one went
in, the girl SCREAMED! And SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl
came out moaning. The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The
guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head."

 

[wally2450]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde
in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good
Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them Again she nodded at each of them, said
"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied,
"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen!"

 

[wally2450]

Bob and Sue were married for five years and sex was becoming routine
and boring. "Look," said Bob, "if you don't put some more action into
it in the sack, I'm gonna go out and get me some strange stuff."
"Listen, Romeo," said Sue, "if you could somehow manage just a teensy
inch or two more, you'd be into some strange stuff right here!"
====================
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother
wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get
her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like
for her. "So," says the mom, "now that you have started dating,
what's it like getting intimate with young men?" "Oh, you know how it
is," replies the daughter. "Boys are always insensitive and never
care if intimacy isn't working for me." "How?" asks mom. "Oh,
stuff...." says daughter. "Really now, you can trust me. I think that
its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters,"
continues mom. "I don't know," answers the daughter. "Now don't
forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was
like for me," says mom. "OK," says the reluctant daughter. "For
starters, how do you get their cum out of your hair?"

 

[wally2450]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted "Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for? He does!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

 

[done_got_old]

Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor.

"I'm here to do my postnatal exercises," I told the instructor.

She gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?"

"Twenty-six," I replied.

 

[wally2450]

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

 

[wally2450]

College is like a woman You work so hard to get in, and nine months
later you wish you'd never come.





And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he
came upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife smiled at her
companion. "See?" she said, "I told you he was stupid!"



Three old women were talking about their love lives. The first said,
"My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated." The
second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful." The third
said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to
jump on while it's still going."

 

[done_got_old]

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, " I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me." The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care) . She goes for the tennis braceoet. The husband says " but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. ' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. " The husband says, " no -- no -- no, honey we ' re not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. " Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!!!!!

 

[wally2450]

What Men Really Mean
What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means...."As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game." Really means...."Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means...."You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means...."You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle." Really means...."We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/166850.jpg