Jokes

[wally2450]

Could she be blond...

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "i don't like
that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've
only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness i
used to get once a month."

 

[wally2450]

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come."

The trouble with my wife is that she has a weight problem. Every time
I want sex, she says, "Wait." (Rodney Dangerfield)

 

[wally2450]

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

 

[wally2450]

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his
mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.

A while later! Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin . . . wif two more frogs.

 

[wally2450]

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out
the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man
said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of
his father. The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment
the client explained that his father had been hanged. The salesman
pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a
public function when the platform gave way.'"

 

[wally2450]

MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he
wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are
you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched
to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?""Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped
another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today.

 

[wally2450]

Hunting Dog

This man wanted to buy a hunting dog. He heard of this guy who had a dog for sale, so he went to check it out. They get the dog out to the woods and the owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!"

The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks once. The man asked the owner "What does that mean?"

The owner says "Well, he barked once, that means he saw one rabbit."

The guy says "OK, let's see it again."

The owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!" The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks twice.

The guy asks "OK, what does that mean?"

The owner says "Well, he barked twice, that means he saw two rabbits."

The guy says "OK, one more time and he's sold." The owner snaps his fingers, the dog takes off, comes back carrying a stick and starts to hump his owners leg.

The guy says "WHAT! does that mean?

The owner says "Well, that means he just saw more fuckin' rabbits than you can shake a stick at!"

 

[wally2450]

Locked keys in car

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever.

She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.

Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.

Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional."

 

[wally2450]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says
>to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a
>doctor."
>
>"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
>
>"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
>sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
>
>It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a
>doctor."
>
>So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
>
>He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
>sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>
>Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>
>"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
>activity. It will improve in two weeks if you rest it. Thank you for
>shopping @ Wal-Mart."
>
>That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
>wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>
>He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
>his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
>
>Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
>dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
>
>The computer prints the following:
>
>1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
>2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
>3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
>better!
>
>Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

 

[wally2450]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a Lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a Lesbian."

 

[wally2450]

On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog following. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The redneck cowboy replies, "No way dog's in heat; he's cool cause I got'im tied under the shade of the tree."

The policeman says, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred.

"No way", the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, he's not hungry, cause I fed him beef jerky this mornin".

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

The redneck looks at him and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"

 

[wally2450]

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.


I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and such. I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations -- I wasn't going to let this homeless man go out without someone taking notice of the service! I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for more than 20 years."

 

[wally2450]

My wife and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach,
CA. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl - athletic with a
great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my wife asked her if
the roast beef was rare. The waitress gave us a long blank look,
then replied, "Well, no - we have it, like, just about every day."

 

[wally2450]

Two Beggars - One Catholic - One Jew- are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David.

Many people go by and look at both beggars, But only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross.In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

 

[wally2450]

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she flounces.
The next evening the teenager comes downstairs, and her grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
"Grandma I have friends coming over and that's just NOT appropriate".
"Loosen up, sweetie" says Grandma "These are modern times, and if you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

 

[wally2450]

One day the wife asked her husband what will he do if she were to die.

The husband replied, "I'll also die."

The wife asked him, "Why?"

Husband replied, "Well, you know I have a heart condition and most likely I would not be able to tolerate that much happiness."

========

In an interview last week, Paris Hilton said she never discussed sex with her parents. She said she was too shy to ask them about it. In fact, everything she knows about sex she learned from watching her
own video. - Jay Leno

 

[wally2450]

Did you hear the one about the day Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell and Robert Schuler were driving to a big "tent meeting" together? Unfortunately, they were involved in a terrible accident and all three were killed. As you might expect they all ascended into heaven and came to standing in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted them and welcomed them to heaven. Then he started to hem and haw around and finally explained that they hadn't any advance notice of this situation and so weren't quite prepared for three so illustrious and holy men. He explained how all three of them qualified for the very finest accommodations heaven had to offer including very large and splendid mansions, but they weren't quite ready so would they mind waiting a few days?

They replied that they wouldn't mind waiting, but were they just going to have to stand there for several days? St. Peter said no, he believed he could arrange temporary quarters for them in Hell. Sometimes Satan was willing to help out in emergencies, whereupon he placed a call to Brother Satan and made the arrangements. They descended into Hell.

Noon on the fourth day after their descent St. Peter gets a frantic phone call from the Devil demanding that he remove these three guys from hell immediately. St. Peter couldn't believe his ears and asked what could possibly be wrong with these three upstanding people.

The Devil replied, "They are ruining my place down here. In less than four days Jerry Falwell has saved everybody, Oral Roberts has healed everybody, and Robert Schuller has raised enough money to air condition the whole damn place!!"

 

[wally2450]

Raisin Bread

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with
a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man
enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at
the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some
raisin bread, please." the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the
raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man,
standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with
an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a
small group of male customers gather around the young
man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread,
just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated.
She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring
at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man
standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?"
the clerk yells testily.

"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin'
to twitch."

 

[wally2450]

Golf fanatic.


This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par, and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better, even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.

He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green.

The way you've played today, I think you can make it."

So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

Twenty years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day.

People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews, and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole, he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.

As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."

The guy says "Are you out of your fuckin' mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied."

 

[wally2450]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.


Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again and grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.


In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.


He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were ,, or what we did ,, but, by God..we took first and second place.

 

[wally2450]

Two good Ole boys in Oklahoma were sitting around talking one
afternoon over a cold beer... After a while, the 1st guy says to the
2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love
to your wife while you was off hunt'in, and she got pregnant and had
a baby, would that make us kin?" The 2nd guy crooked his head
sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes
thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I
don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even!"

 

[wally2450]

Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the
firm's new secretaries. "I just don't get it." said one. "She's an
airhead -- nothing going on upstairs. "That may be true," replied the
other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

 

[wally2450]

Terms

A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs
shopping for downstairs merchandise.

MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.

METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and
tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.

MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a
sporting house.

MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires,
and the retiring generation arises.

MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day.

NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none,
and ain't going to get none.

 

[wally2450]

Florence and Emily, two pretty young housewives, had arranged to have
cocktails and lunch together, but as soon as they met, Emily could
see that something serious was bothering her friend. "Out with it,
Florence," she commanded. "What's depressing you so?" "I'm ashamed to
admit it," Florence wailed, "but I caught my husband making love."
"Why let that bother you?" laughed Emily. "I got mine the same way."

 

[wally2450]

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The
first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's
spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke." The second woman
said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we
get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps." The third
woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-
medal-winning quarter-miler." "How so?" "He's got his time down to
under 40 seconds."