Jokes

[Succulent-one]

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.

SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies
get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids?

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by
mistake).

WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube
Farm.

 

[Succulent-one]

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.


We have always naively thought that it had something

to do with their religion.



The true story has recently been revealed by the

Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.



When these beautiful women get married, she brings

with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband

scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a

convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a

motel in the United States.




Just thought you would like to know.

 

[wally2450]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that
we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay"she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, " and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."

 

[wally2450]

Two little girls are playing with a ball in the garden. The ball
rolls under a nearby bush so one of the little girls crawls under to
get it out. Unfortunately it's a thorn bush, so she gets a rose thorn
stuck in her finger. Crying, she runs indoors shouting "Mommy, Mommy,
I've got a thorn in my finger! Get some apple juice!" Mum says: "But
why do you want apple juice? Wouldn't a bandage be nicer?" The little
girl says : "Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big sister says
that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider."

 

[wally2450]

30 Ways A Woman Can Hurt A Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on
personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

 

[Succulent-one]

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female

parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some

fun?'"

"How shocking!" the priest exclaimed; then he

thought for a moment. "You know, I may have a

solution to your problem. I have two male talking

parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the

Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house,

and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and

Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and

worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that

phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very

well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to

the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that

his two male parrots were inside their cage,

holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she

walked over and placed the female parrots in the

cage. Immediately, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male

parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed.

"Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been

answered!"

 

[wally2450]

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting
at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the
young blonde woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it
no longer. She turned to the blonde and bellowed with a loud voice,
"Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!" "So would
I," quipped the blonde, "but you know, there just isn't time enough
during a coffee break."

 

[TheOverlord]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that
we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay"she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, " and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."

see YOU can learn when your young!!! wonderful jokE!

 

[wally2450]

A guy and several of his buddies used to frequent a certain
restaurant. The food was always good, but the waitress always looked
and sounded very sour. One evening, one of the friends was feeling
rather good, and jokingly asked the waitress when she came to take
their orders, "Ma'am, do you believe in free love?" The waitress
huffed up and almost yelled at theman, "I certainly do not!" With a
great big grin, the man asked, "Well, Darlin', what do you charge?"

 

[wally2450]

The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was
to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at
the party and said, "Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?" She
looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"

 

[wally2450]

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female

parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some

fun?'"

"How shocking!" the priest exclaimed; then he

thought for a moment. "You know, I may have a

solution to your problem. I have two male talking

parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the

Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house,

and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and

Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and

worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that

phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very

well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to

the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that

his two male parrots were inside their cage,

holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she

walked over and placed the female parrots in the

cage. Immediately, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male

parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed.

"Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been

answered!"

Roflol!

 

[wally2450]

You all have probably seen the start of this story. See below for the
rest.

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value
of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT
go back down except to exit the building."

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs , love kids and
are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign
reads:

"Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."



AND NOW - THE REST OF THE STORY

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store
just across the street.

The 1st first f loor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd - 6th floors have never been visited.

 

[wally2450]

I miss my husband. I really do. He's traveling and I'm home all alone and this weather sucks and I want company. So, I'd like to propose the following:

I'm looking for a surrogate husband, just for today. I will cook a great meal for you and greet you at the door wearing nothing but lingerie.

You must agree to:

-- come home by 7:00pm, but not actually show up until 8:00pm. Please don't apologize for being late and don't call to let me know you are going to be late.

-- walk in the door without actually greeting me.

-- the first words out of your mouth, after you get out of the bathroom, should be: "What's for dinner?"

-- take your plate from the table and walk into the living room and sit down in front of the TV, leaving me alone.

-- put your feet up on the coffee table, chew with your mouth open and ask me to grab you a beer.

-- not compliment me on the fact that the house is clean or that the food that took me several hours to cook is any good.

-- ignore me for the rest of the night and watch ESPN instead.

-- tell me to stop when I try to cuddle up to you on the couch and ask me to get you a beer instead.

-- come to bed without showering, even though you've been at work all day.

-- fart in bed and then fluff the covers.

-- wake me up to ask me for a blow job.


Please, please, please help me out! I miss the asshole.

 

[wally2450]

A guy comes home after losing a lot of money, playing
golf. A few minutes later his wife comes home from work
with a new fur coat.

Her husbands says "Hey how did you get this?"

She says that her boss won the lotto and this is her
share. This happens a few times, first the coat and then
a car and then jewelry etc. One night the wife gets home
really tired out and asks her husband to run her bath,
which he then does. But only fills it up an inch.

She gets in and says to him "Why did you put in so little
water?"

"Well, WE DON'T WANT YOUR LOTTO TICKET GETTING WET NOW
DO WE?!"

 

[wally2450]

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder.
So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow!" said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

 

[wally2450]

A little boy didn't go to school one day. The next day when the
teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take
her to the bull." "How disgusting," said the teacher? "I'm sure your
father could have done that." "No ma'am, he couldn't have. It has to
be the bull"

Cynthia's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting
gown and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over
and over again throughout the evening. Finally over a nightcap in his
apartment he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening
long. You called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails,
mentioned it again at dinner, and yet again at the theater. Now that
we're here alone in my penthouse, what do you say we drop the subject?"

The new accounts director was dictating a note to her personal
assistant. She paused, uncertain about the proper phrasing in the
next sentence. "Do you 'retire a loan'?" she asked the young man.
"Not when I can help it," he replied with a smile.

 

[wally2450]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room, but froze in his tracks when he
heard a voice shout " Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you!" the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead.
Frantically, he looked around, and in a corner, spotted a parrot in a
birdcage.
"was that you, who shouted Jesus is watching me?" asked the thief.
"Yes" the parrot replied
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked, " what's your name?"
"Moses," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name" sneered the burglar, "What idiot named you Moses?"
The parrot replied, "the same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus"

 

[wally2450]

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time
friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking
out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for
my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every
woman in this room." To which his friend responded, "Well then,
between the two of us we've had them all!"

 

[wally2450]

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor
spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it: The nurses hair was
unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment,
one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital
not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform,
"It's those darn interns! They never put anything back when they're
through using it!"

 

[wally2450]

ONE GOOD REASON WHY NOT TO FLIRT!!!!

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his
costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with
every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked
what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.


To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

 

[wally2450]

A hooker mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned
him. The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a
pitiful victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the
concept of 'original sin'?" She responded, "Well, maybe and maybe
not. But if it's really original, it'll cost you an extra $20."

 

[wally2450]

A company developed a new beer and ran a competition for a new name.
One person sent in a suggestion that it be called: "Making Love in a
Row Boat." The company executive contacted the man and said, "We
can't use the name because it is too long. But we would like very
much to know why you suggested that name." The man said, "Well,
making love in a row boat is fucking near water. That is exactly what
your beer is.

 

[Succulent-one]

NATURAL LAWS



Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you
were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works
every time).

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the difficulty of reaching to scratch it.

Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.


Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what
you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.

 

[wally2450]

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's
got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...
gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak.
And then you put in the milk.

 

[Succulent-one]

A lady bought a new Lexus. It cost her a bundle.

Two days later, she took it back to the dealer, complaining that the radio was not working.


"Madam", said the Sales Manager, "The audio system in this car is completely automatic.

All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and that's exactly what you will hear. It's a marvelous feature!"


She drove out, amazed and slightly confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson."


The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?"


Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the Road Again." The lady was astounded.


If she said "Beethoven"; that's what she got. If she said "Nat King Cole",

she got it. If she said "Frank Sinatra" she immediately heard him crooning.


Suddenly, at a traffic light her light turned green and she pulled out.

Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye she saw a big Sports Utility Vehicle speeding right at her.


She swerved and narrowly missed a terrible collision.....


"Ass hole! she yelled.


And, from the radio............"Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States"