Jokes

[Succulent-one]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

 

[Succulent-one]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at
them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for
extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly
after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her
age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she
gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill
at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as
soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit
on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done
before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she
will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or
worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch
it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush
so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact
is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell
her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one
for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.

Signed,

Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of
grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman
jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her
defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

[Succulent-one]

Diabold voting machine adds

 

[Succulent-one]

The Reverend & and Miss Fitzgerald


The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home" "Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.



When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.



After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.



The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff.



The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.

 

[Succulent-one]

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, and says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion... With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, That is true, but... it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

 

[SweetSassyVixen]

Old Timer Sex:

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we
had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes,
she
says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll
around there and doing it again for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you
old
devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this,
and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so
there's no trouble. So he follows them.



They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by
walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
their
way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops
his
trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly
they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has
ever
seen. This goes on for several minutes. Both are making loud noises
and
moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the
ground.



The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and
old age that he didn't know. After a few minutes of lying on the
ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes
back
on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. He
thinks, I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple
passes, he
says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had
a
fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The
old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[Succulent-one]

A guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
The clerk ask "male or Female"

Customer: female

Clerk..black or white?

Customer..White

Clerk..Christian or muslim?

Customer..what the hell does religion have to do with it?

Clerk...The muslim one blows itself up..

 

[Succulent-one]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
Uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal
Whiskey and women with big tits."

 

[Succulent-one]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you;re losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you're losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing hap! pens ag ain. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you're losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she Lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Nebraska, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

 

[Succulent-one]

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run.

She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She c alls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be
And POP! The balloon explodes and Shit is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

 

[Succulent-one]

Dumb Redneck Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
3) My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
8) Man - Fat Penguin ! Woman - WHAT? Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.
9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

 

[Succulent-one]

Old Ain't For Sissies!!


An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away in the wind. A gentleman approached her & said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat." "But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!" The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase
their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the
Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all
the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something
to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very
hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked
increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our
secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to
her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been
eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you
had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"

 

[Succulent-one]

ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING
FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE...

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

! What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[Succulent-one]

It Was October And The Indians On A Remote Reservation Asked Their New Chief
If The Coming Winter Was Going To Be Cold Or Mild. Since He Was A Chief In A
Modern Society He Had Never Been Taught The Old Secrets. When He Looked At The
Sky He Couldn't Tell What The Winter Was Going To Be Like.

Nevertheless, To Be On The Safe Side, He Told His Tribe That The Winter Was
Indeed Going To Be Cold And That The Members Of The Village Should Collect
Firewood To Be Prepared.

But Being A Practical Leader, After Several Days He Got An Idea. He Went To
The Phone Booth, Called The National Weather Service And Asked, "is The Coming
Winter Going To Be Cold?"

"it Looks Like This Winter Is Going To Be Quite Cold," The Meteorologist At
The Weather Service Responded.

So The Chief Went Back To His People And Told Them To Collect Even More
Firewood In Order To Be Prepared.

A Week Later He Called The National Weather Service Again. "does It Still
Look Like It Is Going To Be A Very Cold Winter?"

"yes," The Man At National Weather Service Again Replied, "it's Going To Be A
Very Cold Winter."

The Chief Again Went Back To His People And Ordered Them To Collect Every
Scrap Of Firewood They Could Find.

Two Weeks Later The Chief Called The National Weather Service Again.

"are You Absolutely Sure That The Winter Is Going To Be Very Cold?"

"absolutely," The Man Replied. "it's Looking More And More Like It Is Going
To Be One Of The Coldest Winters Ever."

"how Can You Be So Sure?" The Chief Asked.

The Weatherman Replied, "the Indians Are Collecting Firewood Like Crazy."

 

[wally2450]

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test". "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.

The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?" "No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out Plato was screwing his wife.

 

[Succulent-one]

I dialed a number and got the following recording:





"I am not available right now, but




Thank you for caring enough to call.




I am making some changes in my life.




Please leave a message after the




Beep. If I do not return your call,




You are one of the changes."

 

[Succulent-one]

Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.

 

[Succulent-one]

Baptist Campground---miscommunication



A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode," and wrote, "Does your campground have its own "B.C.?" When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply:


Dear Madam:

The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have large holes in them.

Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effor t, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.

Camp Director

 

[Succulent-one]

UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENCE

Since they occur so close in time together, it is important for all Americans to understand the difference between Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.

 

[Succulent-one]

God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?" !

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said "What's a headache?"

 

[ycfpd11]

LESBONICS **

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? ....
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? ....
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? ....
Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? ....
A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? ....
Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? ...
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? .....
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins? ....
Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion? ...
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.

13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?
100 people that don't do dick.

 

[wally2450]

A young Native American child asks his grandfather how people get their names. The grandfather replies, the child is named for the first thing the mother sees after the birth.

"When your mother was born, your grandmother saw a deer running...hence, her name Running Deer. Your grandmother saw an Eagle flying in the sky...hence his name...Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

 

[Succulent-one]

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

"Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found
Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again

but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found
Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[wally2450]

he train was quite crowded, so a U S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked,

"Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the
wrong bitch out the window."