Jokes

[Succulent-one]

Mother Green


This old Baptist Preacher was getting ready to retire so the Association had sent a Young Preacher to take his place and study with him the last few weeks of his ministry. The Young Preacher asked "Is there anyone I need to be warned about before you leave?" The Old Preacher said " as a matter of fact there is, Mother Green has been wearing her blouses lower cut and her skirts are getting higher and tighter than ever, Keep an eye on her." The Young Preacher had not met Mother Green thus far and was curious to know what she looked like. On the last Sunday They were setting up on the stage side by side during the singing part of the service when the back doors of the church flew open and a Large Black Woman in a low cut blouse and short skirt walked in and came down and sat right in the center of the front row, Her skirt was so short that when she sat down her anatomy shown well and she wasn't wearing any under garments. The Young Preacher leaned over to the Old Preacher and asked "Is that Mother Green?" and the Old Preacher replied " No, I think that's just the way the light's hittin' it!"

 

[wally2450]

Sam Returns Home from the War

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!"

His mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses' for a couple hours."

 

[Succulent-one]

RULES FOR MEN TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other

 

[getitgotitgood]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is Still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, you’re Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the farking Pope as a chauffeur!!"

 

[getitgotitgood]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to
offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils the cab
driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they
get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Richard and I'm going to a fancy dress
party."

 

[getitgotitgood]

Dear Diary....
My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big farkin red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

 

[KinkyDaisy]

What has seven arms and sucks?

 

[KinkyDaisy]

Def Leppard

 

[Succulent-one]

God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God,"and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, was still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God

That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State a re going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington... wait until you see the idiots I've put there."

 

[Succulent-one]

An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time.

At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how
their marriage might work They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical
relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, hesitantly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in
the eye and asked, "Is that one word or two?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode.
Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. He left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before".
The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never saw one FRAMED before."

 

[SexSweetheart]

I have read a number of the jokes and they are very good. I wish I could come up with one. I will have to try to find one to post here. ​

 

[Succulent-one]

Never bring in plants when it gets cold.................



Garden Grass Snakes (also known as Garter Snakes...Thamnophissirtalis) can be Dangerous... Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.



Here's why...



A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, The wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.



It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants And when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.



She let out a very loud scream.



The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what The problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.



He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the Family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, So he screamed a nd fell over on the floor.



His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still And called an ambulance.



The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher A nd started carrying him out.



About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician Saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.



That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the h ospital.



The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began Poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the Sofa in relief.



But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake Wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.



The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.



The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, Saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head With a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it Needed stitches.



The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with His wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the Kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and be gan pouring it down the man's throat.



By now the police had arrived.



They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to e xplain how it all happened over a Little green snake.



The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.



The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa.



One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.



He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it Shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.



The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.



Meanwhile, burning drapes, wer e seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.



The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.



The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the Telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).



Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, The police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.



A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.



That's when she shot him.........................

 

[Succulent-one]

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask
me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife I am
usually hot and sweaty, but then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you
the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you
know why?"


"Oh, that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time
is usually in August and the second time is in January."

 

[Succulent-one]

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."

 

[Succulent-one]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her
cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

 

[LustfulOne50]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her
cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Good morning sweet Succulent-one

 

[Succulent-one]

Asked what he planned to do with his life now that he's been forced to resign from Congress, Representative Mark Foley (R-FL) responded:

"My hope is to turn over a new page."

 

[Succulent-one]

A modern Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets
With their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance tgether."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah'u'Akbar! Sex is O within
Marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah'u'Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah'u'Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Allah'u'Akbar!"
"On the kitchen table?"
Yes, yes! Allah'u'Akbar!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a
Bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Allah'u'Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Another two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"



After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered "Yes. Yes, I will."



The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.


Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"



He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

 

[Succulent-one]

WHERE WOULD YOU BE.....
IF YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU?
IF YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
IF YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!


YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG FUCKING HOUSE!

 

[Succulent-one]

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosqu itoes are coming after us with
flashlights."

 

[de-valmont]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello" I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fuckin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with Robert, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a Cunt!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'Cunt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a Cunt!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "Cunt" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said "Hi, this is John Smith from BT . I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a Cunt!"

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre,getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first Cunt (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover Cunt, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."
"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Steve, you're a Cunt!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then one day I came up with an
idea. I called Cunt #1.

"Hello?"
"You're a Cunt!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Steve Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Cunt," and hung up.
Then I called Cunt #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, Cunt," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll do what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, Cunt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two Cunts beating the crap out of each other in >front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.
Now I feel MUCH better.

Take it from me, anger management really works...

 

[Succulent-one]

The Blonde &Her Naked Men


A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk behind the vehicle and stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop...

And she said....





"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

 

[Succulent-one]

A virile, young Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his
favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked witha smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian