Jokes

[wally2450]

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in
Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman. "Hi," he
said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?" "Get lost," she
remarked, "I am Lesbian." "Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in
Beirut?"

 

[Guest]

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for her first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

"How old are you?"

No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked . . . "Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count asshole?!"

good one

 

[wally2450]

Everybody knows that no matter how much you're in love when
you get married, at one point or another the honeymoon is
over. That's when the excuses start. I've used them, you've
used them and believe it or not, my wife has used them.
Following is a top ten list of some of the best excuses to
get out of having sex with your significant other.

10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.

9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.

8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was
making love to Big Foot.

7. You're 20 bucks short.

6. We're out of gin again.

5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.

4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.

3. I can't tonight, honey, I spent myself earlier today watching
all those pornos.

2. Only if you put on this wig and talk like a Chinese hooker.


And the number 1 excuse to not have sex:

1. Your gynecologist just called - you still have crabs and
you know how I don't like seafood.

 

[Guest]

1. Your gynecologist just called - you still have crabs and
you know how I don't like seafood.

ewwww!

 

[Highsided]

Dear Employee

Many of the members of the hiring committee had reservations when we hired you 6 years ago. But we tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. Recently, we've had a number of complaints about your performance from nearly everyone you interface with. Please consider this your final warning.

Customer Service We have numerous complaints from both internal and external customers. Internally, people feel that you are not a team player and are more interested in covering your ass and accruing power than working for the greater good. External customers tell us that you completely refuse to work with them unless there's something in it for you. There is suspicion of collusion with competitors.

Arrogance Over and over again, we hear from employees and customers alike that you make it clear you don't feel that you're accountable to anyone except the stockholders. When asked to sign off on company policy, you add ridiculous side notes indicating that the rules apply to everyone but you.

Requests for Help Several of your divisions have been through difficult times. When pressured, you make commitments to help, but the help never seems to arrive.

Company Policy This company was built on some very basic principles. Your actions have worked to undermine our conduct and our reputation. We are no longer trusted to treat customers fairly and are often suspected of dirty tricks. You have also engaged us in frivolous lawsuits that are very expensive and result in a loss of stability for the company..

Attendance You take more vacation and time than any of your predecessors. You claim you are on call, but on more than one occasion, you refused to cut your vacation short when one of our divisions was dealing with a major crisis. The New Orleans division is not likely to recover from this lack of action.

Personnel Where to start with this one? You have chipped away at all of the benefits this company was so proud to offer particularly to our retirees and workers compensation cases. You have been known to fire personnel who do not exhibit personal loyalty to you and then blame others for handling the firings badly.

Accountability You are not known to accept responsibility easily, rather you shift the blame to someone who reports to you when things go wrong. When legitmitately criticized, you blame the critics for trying to undermine you.

All in all Mr. Bush, your performance is unacceptable on many levels. Recently, many of the people who advocated hiring you have indicated that they regret that choice. Please remember that you work for us, not the other way around, or we will have to refer your status to the appropriate department and consider dismissal.

The People of the United States of America

.....

 

[wally2450]

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at
his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your
date running late?" "No," Bond replies, "Q has just given me this
state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The woman, intrigued,
says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "I can
communicate with it telepathically... It told me you're not wearing
any panties. The woman replies: "It's wrong, because I am wearing
panties. Bond: "Strange, I think it's running an hour fast."

 

[wally2450]

First Date

This story was told on the Tonight show when Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be in the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down.... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

 

[Succulent-one]

Bush Riddle

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen
Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That’s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent
ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button
and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer
for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was
not your brother. Who was this child?"

Blair replied, "That’s easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of
staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the
answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your
sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the
answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a
while?"

"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked
them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of
they had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what
he would tell the President.

As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of
State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you
answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your
sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I
know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"

 

[wally2450]

Bush Riddle

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen
Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That’s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent
ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button
and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer
for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was
not your brother. Who was this child?"

Blair replied, "That’s easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of
staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the
answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your
sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the
answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a
while?"

"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked
them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of
they had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what
he would tell the President.

As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of
State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you
answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your
sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I
know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"

 

[wally2450]

A man and his attractive companion were enjoying a cocktail party
where one of the other female guests was expounding her philosophy.
"I guess I'm just an animal," she was saying. "All I want to do is
sleep and make love." The man's companion agreed, "I sleep and make
love, too." "Yes," the man said, "but do you do both at the same time!"

 

[wally2450]

The reason congressmen try so hard to
get reelected is that they would hate to
have to make a living under the laws
they've passed.

****

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her
father escorted her down the aisle. They
reached the altar and the waiting groom;
the bride kissed her father and placed
something in his hand. The guests in the
front pews responded with ripples of
laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage,
the bride gave him back his credit card.

****

Women and cats will do as they please,
and men and dogs should get used to
the idea.

 

[wally2450]

Female Rejection Lines

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation:
You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation:
I don't want to do my dad.

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation:
You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.

7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation:
I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear
phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.

6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation:
I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.

5. I don't date men where I work. Translation:
I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system,
much less the same building.

4. It's not you, it's me. Translation:
It's you.

3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation:
Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job
is better than dating you.

2. I'm celibate. Translation:
I've sworn off only the men like you.

1. Let's be friends. Translation:
I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet and have sex with.
It's the male perspective thing.

 

[wally2450]

A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for
her date. He decides to go over and chat her up.

'I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women' said
the woman.

'Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. After ten
minutes of the bloke pestering her, she had had enough.

'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for
me that my vibrator can't!'

'OK, barman get this lady a drink' he said. 'let's see your vibrator do
that?'

 

[wally2450]

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her through out the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog ! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.... Have a great day and remember...

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

 

[wally2450]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having
sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any
attempt
to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then,
talk to
her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told
her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh
Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

 

[wally2450]

A shapely Finnish girl was a counselor at a girl's camp on Wonder
Lake. She was at the camp a day early to get things in order, and
when her work was done, she thought it would be nice to start a sun
tan "au natural," since this was private property. Suddenly, she
heard male voices! She jumped up, stood in a crouch, and covered her
bosom with crossed arms. Two young men approached her, asking "Which
way is it to the boy's camp on Wonder Lake?" She said, "Oh, I know
you guys, you just want me to point, so you can see my titties!" "No,
no," they said, "we just want to know what direction we must go,
we're lost." "O.K., she said, straightening up, and standing on her
right leg and lifting her left leg horizontally, she said, "It's
over dat way!"

 

[wally2450]

I hate when I hear people say, 'Nice guys finish last.' Seems every
nice guy I've slept with finished first and didn't last.


Like the song says, there are 50 ways to leave your lover, but
getting caught in bed with her sister is pretty foolproof and makes
for a much shorter list.

 

[wally2450]

A young rabbi, fresh out of the Yeshivah, thought it would help him
better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations
faced if he first took a job as a policeman. He passed the physical
examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act
quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was
asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?" He thought
for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."


A young lady, having committed some small offense, was made to eat
dinner alone, at a little table in the corner of the kitchen. The
rest of the family was paying her no attention until she began to
pray in a loud voice, "I thank you, Lord, for preparing this table
before me in the presence of mine enemies..."

 

[Succulent-one]

The new President of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate
in the next Summer Olympics.


He said that, "Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the
country.

 

[wally2450]

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting Dressed, surrounded by
all her family and she Suddenly realized she had forgotten to get
shoes. ((Panic)) Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of
White shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the Time the
festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and
Edward withdrew to their room the only thing She could think of was
getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door
to the Bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts,
Straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they
heard Edward say, "Darn, that was tight." "There," whispered the
mother. "I told you she was a virgin." Then, to their surprise they
heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more
grunting And straining and at last Edward said, "My God! That was
even tighter!" "That's my boy," said the father. "Once a sailor,
always a sailor."

 

[wally2450]

Confused Little Boy



A little boy came home from school one day slightly confused.



His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So he asks, "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more Black?"



"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father".



So, when his father got home, he asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more Black?"



"What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his dad.



"Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew his ass down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the motherfucker."

 

[wally2450]

50th wedding anniversary

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet
celebrating it, Bob was asked to give his friends a brief
account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Bob, just what is it you have learned from all
those wonderful years with your wife?"

Bob responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the
best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness,
forbearance, self restraint, forgiveness, and a great many
other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed
single."

 

[wally2450]

A blond I know gets a grand and glorious feeling whenever a man
makes love to her, but the grand always comes first.

 

[wally2450]

There was this young man, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you."
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."
"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".
"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." After a short time, she returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."
"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "You mean you actually figured out some way to make an Internet connection?"

 

[wally2450]

A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he
comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where
she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce.

After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he
gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have
a go at him, he coos "baby, get upstairs to the bedroom".

She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to
the
bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand
against
the full length mirror on the wall".

"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the handstand and
her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right
on her muff.

"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"