Jokes

[Succulent-one]

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor
told
him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give
the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do,"
said the doctor "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal
conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30
feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."
In
a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response..
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's
for dinner?"
Again, there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" (I just
love this.)
"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Social Security

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability."

 

[wally2450]

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the she slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

 

[Succulent-one]

A man and wife are enjoying an evening glass of wine around the
kitchen table, the man suddenly asks his wife, "Tell me something
that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thinks for a moment, and responds, " Your dick is bigger
than your brother's."

 

[wally2450]

Senior citizen

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-
up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about
his intimate life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest.
The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just
cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up
and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over
thirty years old."

"My goodness Bill, and at your age too." the doctor
said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet Doc. I gave
'em all a phony name."

 

[wally2450]

After the first week of sex education class, a young
shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class
was over.

Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend
asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you?
You look as if you're about to kill someone."

"I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up
with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me
convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for
position."

 

[wally2450]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the
urologist who shared an office with several other
doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk, he that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked
like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I
HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT
IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their
heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice
replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID
YOURS."

 

[wally2450]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied

"No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

 

[Succulent-one]

Conversion Table


1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

 

[wally2450]

"My professional and my personal lives have become way too intertwined." the stewardess told her fellow stew.

"Last night my husband nudged me awake, and began to make love. Without giving it a thought, I said, 'Welcome Aboard'."

 

[wally2450]

Anna was talking to her hair stylist about her daughter. "It's silly,
but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair."
"What do you mean?" "Well, I overheard her telling her best friend
that she hoped she'd be 'balled' soon."

Whether or not a girl in a rented bathing suit attracts a lot of
attention depends primarily on where the rent is.

 

[wally2450]

Californians don't screw in light bulbs; they screw in hot tubs

The divorcee was having a very difficult time getting across what she
wanted from her date. In a final attempt at seduction, she asked,
"Would you like to see where I was operated on for my appendicitis?"
"God, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."

 

[Succulent-one]

Warning signs

A priest and a preacher from the local churches are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

The End is Near!
Turn Yourself Around Now
Before It's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From just beyond the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The priest turns to the preacher and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

 

[wally2450]

This happened at a major Australian University,
during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels
found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, "yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertantly said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class - and never returned. However,as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question."It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."

 

[wally2450]

A blond is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
"Don't you have a phone in your car?"
"That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.
"Uh ... How's that working?"
"Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
"And why do you think that is?"
"I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

 

[wally2450]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man bust out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself?

The man replied, "Well your Honor it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident," I just lost it.

He was acquitted.

 

[wally2450]

"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Bernice? said
her
closest friend.

"Well," Bernice confirmed,
"Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a
lot to
be desired."

~~~~~

Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth to
triplets.
"You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?" said the
one.
"Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any housework?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's
All right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting
A rest.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
At large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
Criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number
On it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
Ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A dyslexic poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A -flat
Miner.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France; the result: Linoleum
Blown apart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

* A calendar's days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end

* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis
.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

* Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

[wally2450]

Robin Williams on Golf - Vid-4:47

http://www.madville.com/link.php?id=157862&t=20

 

[wally2450]

Three Religious Truths

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader
of the Christian faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor
store or at Hooters.

 

[wally2450]

Bambi, a blond in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

 

[wally2450]

The little boy came into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower. He asked, "Mommy what's that between your legs?"

She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked, "Grandma what's that between your legs?"

She replied, "That's my squirrel."

The little boy said, "Mommy has one too, but hers is not as grey as yours."

Grandma replied, "Well, your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has!"

 

[Succulent-one]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her . After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the Hell would you say?

 

[wally2450]

The bride smiled sweetly at the maid of honor when they both
overheard the groom say to the best man, "Look, I'm positive she's a
virgin. In fact, if you care to bet, I'll give you 20 to 1 odds."
When they were alone though, the bride shouted, "How could you do
such a thing? We're only just married & already you're throwing money
away."

 

[wally2450]

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year
later, he was in court filing for divorce. "OK" said the judge, "Tell
the court why you want a divorce." "Well your honor," Dan started,
"Every once in awhile my sister-n-law would come over for a visit,
and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in
awhile I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must
be some difference between the two women," said the judge. "You'd
better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want
the divorce!