Jokes

[Gem_tiger]

Good Morning .. SC-ONE ... I hope you have a great weekend ..

Bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife "Mother of Six", despite her continual objections.
One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His irritated wife hollered back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

 

[Gem_tiger]

Diary of a Blonde

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!! Bottles won't fit in the typewriter!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months . . . box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours . . . power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid . . . wrong instructions . . . 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing . . . couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition . . . learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my Jeep in rain storm . . . car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C" . . . isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's . . . they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 and a half days - instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December - Couldn't call 911 . . . "duh" . . . there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!


It's a joke ..... put your f .. knives down !!!

 

[cymbline]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?"

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

 

[Gem_tiger]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them
that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing
things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it
down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got
it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands
his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?

 

[Succulent-one]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep
the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a
thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
scent of fresh butter fat.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled
with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

 

[Succulent-one]

Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80s and still gainfully employed as a
salesman, has been trying, unsuccessfully, to sell ribbon to Macy's for many
years. Last week, he made another attempt to speak with the anti-semitic
buyer.

"Goldstein," the buyer says, "you've been trying to sell me ribbon for at
least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me enough yellow ribbon to reach
from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."

Three days later, four tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to
Macy's receiving dock. The ribbon buyer goes ballistic. He calls Goldstein
and yells, "What's going on??? I only ordered enough yellow ribbon to reach
from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me four
truck loads full of it!"

Goldstein replies calmly: "The tip of my penis is in Poland."

 

[Succulent-one]

Bubba, a furniture dealer from Arkansas, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

 

[Gem_tiger]

LMAO .......................................... Hi SC1



A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blond hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan!
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £250,000 Rolls as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The blonde replies "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"



Finally a smart blonde joke.

 

[Golden_Silence]

LMAO .......................................... Hi SC1



A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blond hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan!
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £250,000 Rolls as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The blonde replies "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"



Finally a smart blonde joke.

Now that was funny

 

[Succulent-one]

========

A young boy was looking through the family album and
asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with
you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That's your father."

"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives
with us now?"

 

[Succulent-one]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, "Did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags!"

 

[Succulent-one]

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six
old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.

"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard
sale."

 

[Succulent-one]

Sunday morning sex




I will never hear church bells ringing again without
smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed
away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit
her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how
her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a
heart attack wh ile we were making love on Sunday Morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly
100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even...
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still
be alive If the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

 

[Succulent-one]

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and
socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month. Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their
house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to
have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some
mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those
mushrooms? Ther e are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild
mushrooms are poison."

He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time
and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the
pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild
mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her ser ve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and
socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down,
she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance
was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and
about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

 

[Succulent-one]

Life in the Trailer Estates

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a
Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down on the other
end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."

"So, where were you all these years?"

"In prison," he says.

"Why did they put you in prison?"

He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."

"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."

 

[Succulent-one]

Why I'm Tired


For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or
anything else I could think of.


But now I found out the real reason:


I'm tired because I'm overworked.


Here's why:. . .


The population of this country is 273 million.


140 million are retired.


That leaves 133 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 48 million to do the work.


Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government.


Leaving 19 million to do the work.


2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
Osama Bin-Laden.


Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for
state and city governments.


And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.


Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.


Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.


And there you are,


sitting on your ass,


at your computer, reading jokes.


Nice. Real nice.

 

[Succulent-one]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6
seconds... and it better be there... OR ELSE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work while his
wife was still sleeping.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough
there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. But it was
quite small.

Curious and confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the
driveway and brought the box back in the house. She quickly tore off the
wrapping and found... a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday

 

[Succulent-one]

PRIVATE PART

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a
nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

 

[Succulent-one]

The Pope and the Rabbi

_____________________________________________________________

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe "How did you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

 

[Gem_tiger]

Babe, I'm gonna have to send you my laundry bill ..................... if you insist on making me p** my pants!!!

I just wish I could come up with some real good jokes, like yours.
I just needed you to know that, you have at least ONE avid follower x12

 

[Succulent-one]

1. IDIOCY: Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.


DYSWFUNCTION: THE ONLY CONSISTENT FEATURE OF ALL OF YOUR DISSATISFYING RELATIONSHIPS IS YOU.


MEETINGS: NONE OF US IS A DUMB AS ALL OF US


CLUELESSNESS: THERE ARE NO STUPID QUESTIONS, BUT THERE ARE A LOT OF INQUISITIVE IDIOTS.


MISTAKES: IT COULD BE THAT THE PURPOSE OF YOUR LIFE IS ONLY T SERVE AS A WARNING TO OTHERS.


ADVERSITY’ THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL ME POSTPONES THE INEVITABLE.

 

[Succulent-one]

An Indian walks into a coffee shop.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling male buffalo with the other.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere; then just walks out.


The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."


The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"


The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

 

[Succulent-one]

Retirement dinner

A Catholic priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.


A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.


"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."


Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.


"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."


Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

 

[Succulent-one]

Dear Diary:

Just moved to Phoenix, Arizona ...Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset by the pool lying on a chaise lounge. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.


June 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun on the pool everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.


June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


July 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left for work this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and sh**. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C repairman Charged $200 just to stop by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

August 4th:

It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking sunshine makes the house feel like it's about 95. Stupid repairman pi**ed in my pool. I hate this stupid city.

August 8th:

If another wise a** cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

August 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my a** was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and a**. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried a**, and baked cat.


August 10th:


The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week!! Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert?? Water rationing will be next, so might as well watch $1700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

August 15th:

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 110 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.


Freaking Arizona.

 

[Succulent-one]

Bee Sting

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she Suffered a
bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the
clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are
you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."