Jokes

[Succulent-one]

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an
hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's standard of
living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had
signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk
for approval.

Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed
most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red
brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President
with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The
proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs about how they
came to select the new name given to the President. They explained
that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can
no longer fly.

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

Putting the Right Person in the Right Job


Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an
open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them.
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has
been moved.
Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.

Congratulate them and put them in top management

hahah..good one!

 

[Succulent-one]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, now tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[Succulent-one]

The Blond Cowboy


The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?


The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt .. so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".

And here I am.

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist.

 

[Succulent-one]

BUSH CODE.

After numerous rounds of: We don't know if Osama is still alive, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA, then Homeland Security and NASA with no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

Tell the President he's holding the message upside down!!!!!

 

[Succulent-one]

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8.The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop

 

[Succulent-one]

A Mexican from Friona found himself in Houston and decided to approach a prostitute down on lower Oppenheimer.

He asked her, "How much do you sharge for the hour?"

"$100," she replied.

"Do you do Messican-style?" he asked.

Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused.

He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it Messiccan-style."

Again she declined.

Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer. "I'll give you
$500 to go Messican-style with me! What do you say?"

Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over ten years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdos from all over the world. How kinky could Messican-style be?"

After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said, "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Messican-style' come in?"

The Mexican popped a can of beer and replied, "I'll pay you next
Wednesday when I get my sheck."

 

[Succulent-one]

Bran Muffins

They were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though
they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched
their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health,
largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise
for the last 2 decades.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare
vacation and their plane unfortunately crashed, sending them off to
Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine
silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master
bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the
closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to
Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," Peter replied; "remember, this is your reward in
Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a
championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any
ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old
man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every
day, any time of day that you want."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,
with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to
steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask,"
said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you
to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the
decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as
much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or
sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man inquired, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or.."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins.
We could have been here twenty years ago!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant-sized penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

"Yes, it is.....8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at
the top of the tree .Most men don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid of falling and
getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples
from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The
apples at the top think something is wrong with them,
when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to
wait for the right man to come along, the one who is
brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the
tree. Share this with women who are good apples, even
those who have already been picked!

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as
grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of
them until they turn into something acceptable to have
dinner with.

 

[Succulent-one]

Reading in Bed

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her
special area. He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her
husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown and I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing ?"

Seconds before his death he says...
"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."

 

[Succulent-one]

As A Woman Passes Her Daughter's Closed Bedroom Door, She Heard A
Strange Buzzing Noise Coming From Within. Opening The Door, She
Observed Her Daughter Giving Herself A Real Workout With A Vibrator.
Shocked, She Asked: "what In The World Are You Doing?"
The Daughter Replied: "mom, I'm Thirty-five Years Old, Unmarried, And
This Thing Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A Husband. Please,
Go
Away And Leave Me Alone."
The Next Day, The Girl's Father Heard The Same Buzz Coming From The
Other Side Of The Closed Bedroom Door. Upon Entering The Room, He
Observed His Daughter Making Passionate Love To Her Vibrator. To His
Query As To What She Was Doing, The Daughter Said: "dad I'm
Thirty-five,
Unmarried, And This Thing Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A
Husband. Please, Go Away And Leave Me Alone."
A Couple Of Days Later The Wife Came Home From A Shopping Trip,
Placed
The Groceries On The Kitchen Table And Heard A Buzzing Noise Coming
From, Of All Places, The Living Room.
She Entered And Observed Her Husband Sitting On The Couch, Downing A
Cold Beer, And Staring At The Tv. The Vibrator Was Next To Him On The
Couch, Buzzing Like Crazy.
The Wife Asked 'what The Hell Are You Doing?'
The Husband Replied "i'm Watching Football With My Son In Law"

 

[Gem_tiger]

..................................
Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

LMFAO ................... you are getting away with just toooooooooo much, sweety pie


C'mon fellas ........... where are ya???

 

[Succulent-one]

*New Rules:**
*
*New Rule*: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com<http://classmates.com/>! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

*New Rule*: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

*New Rule*: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

*New Rule*: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

*New Rule*: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

*New Rule*: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

*New Rule*: The more complicated the Starbucks o! rder, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

*New Rule*: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

*New Rule*: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

*New Rule*: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

*New Rule*: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

*New Rule*: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

*New Rule*: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

*New Rule*, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

*New Rule*: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And Ididn't care in the first place

 

[Gem_tiger]

Yet another brilliant post.


has no-one else got a sense of humor??

Yes, yes, we know, a jokes thread should be on the forum with all the 'Grandmas got a new cold-sore' threads but, some of us are a bit short of time aaaaaaaand since we like to stay in the 'Playground', it is marvelous that peeps such as SucculentOne keeps things light-hearted .................................... and anyhooo, most of the jokes are a bit strong for the ordinary threads .................

Am I Right??????? You f***ing know I am

 

[ffreak]

Yep, yep, yep.

Some days the only place I happen to peek in at Lit is the Jokes thread. I think we ought to award a small golden motorized statue to the most frequent contributor of merryment. On second thought, make that a large golden motorized statue. Don't want her to think I'm comparing sizes or anything.


The "Old Man" (real name) in my avatar is an actual menhir (gaelic for standing stone) on the western shore of Ireland. It's not motorized. But it is real hard. That vibration you feel when you touch it is the power of the sea. The waves come and come - better than the everyready bunny.

Anyway, thank you for the jokes and please keep them coming...

 

[Gem_tiger]

Pedro and Maria

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town", so to speak,
but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and bees. Pedro
was a poor working man and could not afford to take them off for a
honeymoon. So that night they retired to his shack. When Pedro was
undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?".
Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the
world with one of these" and then he proceeded to show her what it was
for and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home
that evening Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about
something. "Pedro you told me that you were the only man in the world
with one of those and I saw Gonzales, the gardener, changing his
clothes behind the shed and he had one too". Thinking fast Pedro said,
"Oh Maria, Gonzales is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave
him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those".
Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing
again that night.
Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home
Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch. Pedro said,
"Maria what is the matter now"?
"Pedro, you gave Gonzales the best one."

 

[Gem_tiger]

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the
preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters
visit me twice a week."

 

[Gem_tiger]

--- I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have
bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

 

[Succulent-one]

Yearly Physical

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?" she asks. "125," I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 150.

The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac

 

[Succulent-one]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV,
and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna
start."


This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was
gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."


That's it! She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your
fat
ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like
your slave.
Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"


The husband sighed. Shit, it's started.

 

[Succulent-one]

A Polish Divorce


A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his
English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed
into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him -
"very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete"

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland! "

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi- f idelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof.

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, . . . . .

Now, are you ready for this ?

Are you sure ?

OK

"Polish Remover'

 

[Succulent-one]

Robot Bartender

...A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, bio mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says... real slowly, "So.............. ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

 

[Succulent-one]

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."
"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"

 

[Succulent-one]

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"