Jokes

[carrie-on]

A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange
development on the inside of her thighs...a green spot on the inside
of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be
getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the
problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.


A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's
the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But
I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

 

[carrie-on]

"Don't laugh,Doctor," Fred said

Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," Said the doctor, "I really am..... I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied

 

[carrie-on]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting
there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting."

 

[Succulent-one]

Golf balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Fiftieth Wedding Anniversary

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency,you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a
present."

"Not to worry," said the dad... "the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you,Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"


"Yep," said the dad... "and cheap ones too

 

[Succulent-one]

Visiting Grandma


A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.

I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.

Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed"?

 

[Succulent-one]

A Cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes! I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

[Succulent-one]

1-Go to Google www.google.com



2- Type in the word "Failure" (with quote marks)
3- Instead of clicking "Google Search," click "I'm Feeling Lucky."
4- Giggle
5- Spread the word before the people at Google "fix" it.

 

[Succulent-one]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them
to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who
owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty
miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m.,loaded
the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had,
and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if
they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied,"If they're in the grass in the morning, they're
pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called
to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in

the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is

honking the horn."

 

[FMsure]

Bra Science

"This just in from Texas....

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps womens' breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of local men and had the living shit kicked out of him."

 

[cymbline]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then
he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the
ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked
me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb
so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A
few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I
jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the
blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think
you're going?"

( You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

 

[giggles1]

Visiting Grandma


A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.

I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.

Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed"?

I love this joke. Thanks!!

 

[Succulent-one]

Amy, a blonde, Texan, city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning,
on
his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The
artificial
insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I
drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the
barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on
the
front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of
cows
and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right
here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
ditzy
blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away

 

[Succulent-one]

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know
what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably drinking beer at the bar with his
friends."


PARTY ON ! ! !

 

[Succulent-one]

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an
outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and
cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the
bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push
that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided
today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large
stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and
floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied,
"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it
son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in
school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't
get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry
tree."

 

[Succulent-one]

Clever Romantic Rhyme Contest


These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the
most romantic first line but least romantic second line . . . .

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling you lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[Succulent-one]

Scrap Yard


Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Office (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.

 

[Succulent-one]

One very dark and stormy night a travelling salesman was driving along a country road. The rain was so heavy he could hardly see two feet in front of him. He decided that he should stop for the night but didn't know where. Just then he saw a faint light in the distance and headed toward it. It was a big old country house and the lights were on.

"This is great!" he thought and, mustering up the courage, opened the car door and ran for the house. He knocked hard on the front door. An elderly lady answered with her left breast hanging out and she was rubbing it. Shocked the man ventured a look in and saw an equally elderly man walking down the stairs holding and umbrella and masturbating furiously. He thought that this was a little too weird even for him and ran back to the car.

A couple of miles down the road he was lucky enough to see another light and thought that his luck may be better here. He stopped the car, worked up his courage and ran for the front door. He knocked and waited. An old man answered the door.

"Excuse me but I'm worried about driving in this storm and was hoping you could put me up just for the night," he explained. The old man was sympathetic "Normally I would but I've got all my relatives staying with me from the city. But about two miles back down the road is an elderly couple with plenty of room".

"I've been there" said the salesman "And they are really strange.

She has her left breast out rubbing it and he is holding an umbrella and masturbating."

"Oh don't worry about that" the old man explained, "They're deaf and dumb. She's telling him to go milk the cows and he's telling her to get stuffed, it's raining."

 

[Succulent-one]

TWENTY-FIVE SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down, and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet, instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps sometimes between noon and 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one..

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're female, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list, looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry OLD butt.
Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it and do the same.

BONUS:
26. When you find out your friend is pregnant, you congratulate her, instead of asking, "Oh, SHIT! What Happened?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Mental Institution


In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,

"Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room,

and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating furiously.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

 

[Abner Devereaux]

Mental Institution


In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,

"Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room,

and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating furiously.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Thank You ! You do not know how much I needed to laugh today.

 

[Succulent-one]

Hangover ratings

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumblin g gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM IHOP excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by, you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. For the men, you wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one! side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take! during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innova tive; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass

 

[giggles1]

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass

LMAO!!!!

 

[Succulent-one]

Things Stressed Woman say at Work

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well this day was a total waste of make up

4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and you rea lize

you haven't gone to sleep yet.

16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry, I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes...do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?

 

[Succulent-one]

Captain Bravado


Long ago, there lived an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado. He
was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day,
while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching,
and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red
shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while
wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and
defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's
triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red
shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the
attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to
fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a
manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the
captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely
eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned
and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"