Jokes

[carrie-on]

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

 

[carrie-on]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was ,the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

 

[veryblueeyes]

Carrie... Those were funny!!!

Ok, no offense to homosexuals in the least, but I thought this was cute...

After a long, tiring and stressful day at work a man decided he earned a beer. New to the neighborhood he walked into the bar, sat at the counter then realized it was a gay bar. He pondered a minute and decided to order a beer anyways. The bartender walks over and the man says "a beer please". The bartender asked him what the name of his penis was. the man said "I just want the beer". The bartender replied with "I can't give you the beer till you tell me the name of your penis". The man looks at the guy beside him and asked what was the name of his was, he replied "ford... have you driven a ford lately?". He asked the next guy who replied "snickers... it really satisfies". So he thinks for a minute and says "secret... now can i have my beer?"... As the bartender was pouring he asked why secret... the man replied "strong enough for a man but made for a woman"

 

[Succulent-one]

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that !

 

[Joey3308]

Learn how to swear in foreign languages...excellent site!


http://www.insults.net/html/swear/index.html

 

[TNRkitect2b]

Don't Press the BIG RED BUTTON!

 

[veryblueeyes]

A man walked into a quiet bar.

He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm.

He placed them one beside the other upon the bar.

He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.

The bartender was surprised, but experienced enough to have learned not to
ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.

They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had
to go to the restroom.

He left the ducks there on the bar.

The bartender was alone with the ducks.

There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.

The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.

"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.

"Huey," replied the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What
else could a duck want?" said the duck.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance on another day I'd do the same again" said the duck in reply.

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said,
"So, you must be Louie?"

"No," SHE said, "my name is Puddles."

"And don't even ask what kind of day I've had.".

 

[Joey3308]

25 Things Never To Say During Sex

1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh daddy, daddy!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) I'm hungry.
23) I'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?

 

[Succulent-one]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three
o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning
and it is pouring with rain outside!!."

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three
months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets
dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still
there?""Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

 

[Succulent-one]

Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in
the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?" The
Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat,
and the kids.
But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my
owner's bed."
The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Lethal
injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks,"Why are you here?"
The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, and I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in
my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.
"Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at
the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll
hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever.
I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower
and was bending down to dry her toes, and I couldn't help myself.
I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchanged a sad glance and said, "So,
lethal injection for you, too, huh?"
The Doberman says, "No, no, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

 

[Succulent-one]

Camilla is very pleased with the wedding arrangements, but has turned down the Queen's offer of a weekend in Paris with a car and driver.

 

[fathom7]

QUICKIES:

Al Lawyer jokes:

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a bottom-feeding, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish.

And my all-time favorite:

Why do lawyers wear necties?
Keeps the foreskin from rolling up over their faces.

Nighty-bye kids.

 

[Succulent-one]

Mixed Up Nurse
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining
about Nurse Nancy. 'She's incredibly mixed up,' said one
doctor. 'She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of
morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every
2 hours. He damn near died on us!'
The second doctor said, 'That's nothing. Earlier this week,
I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy
damn near exploded!'
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down
the hall. 'Oh my God!', said the first doctor, 'I just realized I
told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

 

[Abner Devereaux]

What does O.B.G.Y.N stand for?



Oh Boy Got You Naked

 

[Succulent-one]

Lawyer jokes...

Q. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? A. It's called Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A. His lips are moving.

Q. How many lawyer jokes are there? A. Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A.You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to SCREW in a light bulb...

Q. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? A. His partners.

Q. What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? A. Taller.

 

[Joey3308]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that
her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor.
"Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams,
then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams;
likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she
touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "Well, no" she
says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

 

[biggbear8]

MATH LESSON
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear

Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs
which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as
wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the
time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -- Your Husband"


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for
him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up.

 

[Succulent-one]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife calmly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? What in hell is wrong with you? Are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

 

[Succulent-one]

A Cowboy walks into the Dentist's office and after the Dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the Doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"
So the Dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas"
So the Dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here,"he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks, "What is it?"
The Doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth"

 

[Succulent-one]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:


"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."


A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

"JESUS SAVES."


One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"


"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . "Their sign pertains to religion."


So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.


The following day the same police officer noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.


Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:


"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

 

[Succulent-one]

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we
won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again,
so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red
Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.

Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her
share of the winnings.

That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath
while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she
finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover
the plug at the far end.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket
wet, do we?"

 

[Succulent-one]

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had
no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse
immediately springs into action.
As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from
the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side
of the horse anyway!
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing
her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to
safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entanlgled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy
of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the groung over and
over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her and
unplugs the horse.

 

[Succulent-one]

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to
delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button FIRMLY!

7. Feel better?

Works for me!

 

[TNRkitect2b]

Drunk driver after last call

Only a Texan could think of this .... from the County where drunk

driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.



Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated

that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a

few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an

eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed

to find his car which he fell into.



He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar

and drove off.



Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a

fine, dry summer night). He flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple

of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the

vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still

for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and

started to drive slowly down the road.



The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started

up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the

man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the

breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any

alcohol at all!



Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to

The police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."



"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated

decoy."

 

[naxalite0906]

Did you hear about the stick insect that had sex with a tub of marmite...It gave birth to twiglets!!