Jokes

[naxalite0906]

I have another joke..

The next british parliament.. they will mess it up whoever gets in charge.. I hate the fact I have no faith in any of the parties anymore..

 

[Succulent-one]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when
she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was
a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she
would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey,
Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every
little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag
and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the
quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

 

[Succulent-one]

BLUE CROSS TEST

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results. The lab technician says to him, "I'm very sorry, sir, but we've had a bit of a problem. At the same time we sent your wife's samples to the lab, the lab also received samples from another Mrs. Smith, and now we're not sure which results are your wife's. But, frankly, it's either bad news or terrible news!"

"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.

"Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. And we can't tell which is your wife's test."

"This is terrible!" cries Mr. Smith. "Can't we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes," says the technician, "but you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.

"Blue Cross recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

 

[Succulent-one]

Research scientists have released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer: hops contain phytoeostrogens. Men are therefore cautioned to take a concerned look at their beer consumption. There is the possibility that, by drinking enough beer, men may turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) gained weight,
2) talked excessively without making sense,
3) became overly emotional,
4) couldn't drive,
5) failed to think rationally
6) argued over nothing,
7) had to sit down while urinating, and
8) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.

In summing up these results, one of the researchers also observed that a beer belly makes a man look like he's pregnant!

 

[Toadlee]

If you can read this whole story without tears of laugher running down your
cheeks then there's no hope for you!

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a
major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East
Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out ones taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure he's going
to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

 

[Succulent-one]

Hilarious Classified Ads


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=================

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=================

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=================

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=================

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=================

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=================

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=================

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

=================

NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once

=================

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

=================

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

 

[veryblueeyes]

An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep."

To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)

The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.

The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.

The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.

Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
Answer: Well, DUH!...The one with the biggest breasts!

 

[Deprived_in_AZ]

A woman walks into a drugstore. The guy behind the counter asks "Can I help you?" The woman replies "Yes, I need AA batteries." The shopkeeper curls his finger and beckons her over, and says "Come this way." She says 'If I could I wouldn't need the batteries!"

 

[Succulent-one]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc,
it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

 

[Succulent-one]

How To Impress A Woman

* Wine her
* Dine her
* Call her
* Hug her
* Support her
* Hold her
* Surprise her
* Compliment her
* Smile at her
* Listen to her
* Laugh with her
* Cry with her
* Romance her
* Encourage her
* Believe in her
* Pray with her
* Cuddle with her
* Shop with her
* Buy her flowers
* Hold her hand
* Write love letters to her
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How To Impress A Man

* Show up naked

* Bring chicken wings

* Don't block the TV

 

[Succulent-one]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

 

[Succulent-one]

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke

with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes,

and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

 

[Vaire]

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with
him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says,

"What a great chest you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite."

He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive calves you
have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite".

He then removes his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming
out of the apartment.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He
catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies, --------- "I was afraid to be around all that
dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was.

 

[Vaire]

Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy,
"The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn.

You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one..... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away

 

[Vaire]

Two blond guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They
worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a
hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort
you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it --why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who
plants the trees called in sick."

 

[Vaire]

A Chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, and rolls over.

The chicken says---

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

 

[veryblueeyes]

> New Scientific Discovery!
>
> A major research institution has announced the discovery of the
> heaviest
>
> element yet known to science - "governmentium." It has 1 neutron, 12
> assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy
> neutrons
>
> for an atomic mass of 312.
>
> These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are
> further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles
> called
> peons.
>
> Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be
> detected
> however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A
> tiny
> amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in
> seconds
> and slow it to the point where it take days.
>
> Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay
> but
> "re- organizes" a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy
> neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in
> the
> confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.
>
> This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that
> governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration
> forming critical morass. Researches believe that in Governmentium,
> the more
> you re- organize, the morass you cover.

 

[LustfulOne50]

Whats a PENGUIN

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says, "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see!!!"

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to loose his load, she stops and walks away.

Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting, "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!?"

 

[Succulent-one]

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says, "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see!!!"

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to loose his load, she stops and walks away.

Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting, "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!?"

LOL too funny....it took me awhile to get this....(I was having a blonde moment)

 

[LustfulOne50]

LOL too funny....it took me awhile to get this....(I was having a blonde moment)

LOL you were not the only..dear..it took me a second to catch the mental visual ...are blonde moments catchable?...LOL

 

[Succulent-one]

A Letter to Your Cats and/or Dogs



The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following ‘Rules’ on our front door.

 

[LustfulOne50]

A Letter to Your Cats and/or Dogs



The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following ‘Rules’ on our front door.

LOL Cute one Succulent-one

 

[LustfulOne50]

The Teddy Bears

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

 

[Meladie]

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

LOL! It was more than a carnival

 

[LustfulOne50]

Scream

Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.

The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.

The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.

When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.

The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".