Jokes

[carrie-on]

Patrick O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest
almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in
his adult life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "Mr.
O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I've got to be honest with you, Father. A while
back, I misplaced me cap. I really, really love that cap. I knew that
Donald O'Shaunessy had one just like mine, and I knew that O'Shaunessy
came to church every Sunday. ` I also knew that O'Shaunessy had to take
off his cap during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of
the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal
O'Shaunessy's cap."

The priest said, "Well, Mr. O'Leary, I notice that you didn't
steal Mr. O'Shaunessy's cap. What changed your mind?

O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the ten
commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunessy's cap."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said, "Ah, after I talked
about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' you decided you would rather do without
your cap than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked
about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me cap."

 

[carrie-on]

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

 

[carrie-on]

If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you havea lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

Ready for this? ......
A. You see sir, we share the building with the entire court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's best comeback line and we think he'll win.

 

[carrie-on]

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "
You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains,
"It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
Hasn't affected my sisters though."

 

[Succulent-one]

>morris And His Wife Esther Went To The State Fair Every Year,
>and Every Year Morris Would Say, "esther, I 'd Like To Ride In
>that Helicopter".
>
>esther Always Replied, "i Know, Morris, But That Helicopter Ride
>is 50 Dollars And 50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars."
>
>one Year, Esther And Morris Went To The Fair, And Morris Said,
>" Esther I'm 85 Years Old. If I Don't Ride That Helicopter, I Might
>never Get Another Chance."
>
>esther Replied, "morris, That Helicopter Is 50 Dollars And
>50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars."
>
>the Pilot Over Heard The Couple And Said, "folks, I'll Make You A Deal.
>i'll Take The Both Of You For A Ride. If You Can Stay Quiet For The
>entire Ride And Not Say A Word, I Won't Charge You; But, If You Say
>one Word, It's 50 Dollars."
>
>morris And Esther Agreed And Up They Went. The Pilot Did All Kinds
>of Fancy Maneuvers, But Not A Word Was Heard.
>he Did His Dare Devil Tricks Over And Over Again, But Still Not A Word.
>when They Landed, The Pilot Turned To Morris And Said,"by Golly,
>i Did Everything I Could To Get You To Yell Out, But You Didn't.
>i'm Impressed!"
>
>
>morris Replied, "well, I Was Going To Say Something When Esther
>fell Out, But 50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars".

 

[Succulent-one]

I am my own grandpa

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I
soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

 

[carrie-on]

Cowboy Poem
I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go
- I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat.

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.

~author unknown~

 

[Succulent-one]

Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

 

[Succulent-one]

Two women were standing before the Pearly Gates. They
were new arrivals and comparing stories about how each
of them had died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally
died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home
early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found
him all by himself in the den watching reruns on TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and
down into the basement. Then I went through every
closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere. And finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack
and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
We'd both still be alive.

 

[Joey3308]

My Schnauzer

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month.

The lady went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either and, if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist replied, "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

[Succulent-one]

A young man askes his doctor for some viagra
but the doctor refuses.
"Why? the man asks. "yOUR TOO YOUNG," his doctor
reasons "You don't need it"
Looking desperate, the man says, "But I have three
women coming over to my apartment tonight."
Hearing this the doctor changes his mind and says
"Okay I'll give you a sample. Actually, take two"
The next day, when he gets to his office, the doctor
finds the same man in his waiting room, this time with
his arm in a sling.
"What happened last night ? the doctor asks.
The man says " no one showed up."

THE JERKY BOY

 

[Succulent-one]

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About four gallons, but a lot of folks are still
siphoning."

 

[Succulent-one]

Way with words

A Japanese guy was in the bank exchanging some yen for dollars and asked the teller:

"Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar for yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Wot probrem?

The teller replies, "Fluctuations."

The Japanese thinks for a minute and says:

"Fluc you white guys too."

 

[Succulent-one]

Fix This

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Pick-up lines that men use… and some great comebacks!

Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."



Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."



Man: "Is this seat empty?"

Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."



Man: "Your place or mine?"

Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."



Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."



Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."



Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "! Do not Enter"



Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized !"



Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"

Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"



Man: "I know how to please a woman."

Woman: "Then please leave me alone."



Man: "I want to give myself to you."

Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."



Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:

Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".



Man: "Your body is like a temple."

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."



Man: "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."



Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

 

[Succulent-one]

Subject: POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM


I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm
Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted
her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into
this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this
gown. Everything clearrrr?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda , try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a
perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60
seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
nice....it's Spande! x. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a
cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a
tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not
use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other
boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we
heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"What?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for
the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I
shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's wide
open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt
backkkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and
Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me
dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going"
type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter
disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did, thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and
making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The
power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps........

 

[Succulent-one]

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the
cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I
could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran
out of gas."

AND THE..........#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand "

 

[Succulent-one]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I
get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off
this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box! , saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death! as
w ell.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it
to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.

 

[Succulent-one]

Subject: Wonderful Husband


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ...... The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking 950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."


WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker
room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone
know whose phone this is?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Playing with Meanings



-- Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

-- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive...”

-- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

-- Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

-- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

-- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

-- Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,”I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.

-- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

-- Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

-- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”

-- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

-- I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

-- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”

-- I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

-- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

-- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

-- A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

 

[Succulent-one]

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a damned wall."

 

[Joey3308]

Alphabet Soup

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. "I guess it just leaves an impression."

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

__________________________________________

 

[Succulent-one]

Conclusive evidence that Condi has slept with Bush.

 

[Succulent-one]

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round
of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers
was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same
without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she
overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee
table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one
of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man
said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30am.
He Figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman
said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 10
minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She
smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at
6:30 or 6:40." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three
of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant
person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse
they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She
smiled and said, Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:40." The next week she
again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played
left-handed.The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to
beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now
the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make
them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out.
She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but
each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her! In the third week
they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 10 minutes late!
This had the guys irritable because each was determined
to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for
her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her
part. Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed
which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However
she was so gracious and so complimentary oftheir strong play, it was hard
to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure
out! Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at
her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity
no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to
golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushed and grinned. She said,
"That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was
ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I
met my husband in college and got married, I
discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly
habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull
the covers off him. If his 'you-know-what' was pointing to the right, I
golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical." Astonished at this
bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed
straight up in the air?" She said, "Then I'm ten minutes late."

 

[Joey3308]

The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Kentucky quarters.

"We are recalling all of the new Kentucky quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The winning design for the Kentucky quarter was submitted by Kentucky A&M student William Doutrieux.

"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Shackelford. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."