babydoll2u
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2004
- Posts
- 34,775
Succulent-one said:Conclusive evidence that Condi has slept with Bush.
oh....bad.... that was bad, lol
Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
oh....bad.... that was bad, lol
babydoll2u
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2004
- Posts
- 34,775
Joey3308 said:The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Kentucky quarters.
"We are recalling all of the new Kentucky quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
The winning design for the Kentucky quarter was submitted by Kentucky A&M student William Doutrieux.
"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Shackelford. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
oh ok, lol....
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Blow job etiquette
( By a woman )
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?!?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls- if youre that desperate, jerk off and leave me alone
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it"for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
A Man's Rebuttal
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.
6. Speaking of which, if are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. WE like that.
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. I If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
( By a woman )
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?!?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls- if youre that desperate, jerk off and leave me alone
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it"for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
A Man's Rebuttal
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.
6. Speaking of which, if are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. WE like that.
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. I If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she
didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she
didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh
sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady
replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh
sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady
replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part.... "Only when he's been drinking."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part.... "Only when he's been drinking."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
A One Wish Genie
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold ‘a genie’ appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So... what’ll it be?”
The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time and is faithful. That’s what I wish for... a good man.”
The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see that map again...”
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold ‘a genie’ appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So... what’ll it be?”
The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time and is faithful. That’s what I wish for... a good man.”
The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see that map again...”
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Top Ten Signs You're Not Getting Enough Sleep
10. You always fall asleep on airplanes--and you're the pilot.
9. Can't even stay awake for the two minuntes it takes to have sex.
8. You're so fatigued, you get winded chewing gum.
7. When asked to describe yourself, most people say "Lethargic Sumbitch".
6. Your typical lunch: coffee grounds on whole wheat.
5. You schedule unnecessary surgery just for the three hours of general anesthetic.
4. (Writers too tired to write number four)
3. You take naps at work--only problem, you sleep in the nude.
2. Duties as President limit you to a mere 11 hours a night.
1. You're beginning to think Michael Jackson might be innocent.
10. You always fall asleep on airplanes--and you're the pilot.
9. Can't even stay awake for the two minuntes it takes to have sex.
8. You're so fatigued, you get winded chewing gum.
7. When asked to describe yourself, most people say "Lethargic Sumbitch".
6. Your typical lunch: coffee grounds on whole wheat.
5. You schedule unnecessary surgery just for the three hours of general anesthetic.
4. (Writers too tired to write number four)
3. You take naps at work--only problem, you sleep in the nude.
2. Duties as President limit you to a mere 11 hours a night.
1. You're beginning to think Michael Jackson might be innocent.
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and makes me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and makes me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Old Fashioned Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic!
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto!
The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be too afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.
And regarding tools:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
does, use the duct tape.
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic!
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto!
The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be too afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.
And regarding tools:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
does, use the duct tape.
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Subject: Taxi ride
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the
cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.
The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The
driver replied, No, no, I'm sorry, it's my fault entirely. Today is
my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 35 years.
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the
cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.
The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The
driver replied, No, no, I'm sorry, it's my fault entirely. Today is
my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 35 years.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A
woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find
the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid
the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde!
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find
the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid
the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde!
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the
bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says,and
he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I
don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a
picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix
his problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra,
things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will
work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other
than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing
that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at
Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought
they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't
think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of
mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a
bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much.
And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey!
What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black
and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my
armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or
even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become
dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to
bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops,
sorry" thing again, I'll kill the [#@!$].
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even
started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help
me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I
sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any
more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.
Day 16
The [#@!$] has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody
thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going
back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV
all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything
for him. What absolute bliss!
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the
bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says,and
he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I
don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a
picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix
his problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra,
things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will
work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other
than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing
that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at
Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought
they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't
think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of
mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a
bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much.
And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey!
What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black
and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my
armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or
even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become
dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to
bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops,
sorry" thing again, I'll kill the [#@!$].
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even
started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help
me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I
sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any
more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.
Day 16
The [#@!$] has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody
thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going
back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV
all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything
for him. What absolute bliss!
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a
response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband
and explain what
happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex
will do the trick and bring her out of the coma..
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the
curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally
agrees and goes into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines...no pulse . no
heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing
there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a
response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband
and explain what
happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex
will do the trick and bring her out of the coma..
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the
curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally
agrees and goes into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines...no pulse . no
heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing
there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
CaLadyInRed69
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2003
- Posts
- 429
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Health Benefits
Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor. A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him.
Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.
The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.
The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?" The nurse says,
"That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue Cross."
__________________________________________
Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor. A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him.
Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.
The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.
The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?" The nurse says,
"That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue Cross."
__________________________________________
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. The note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
There was this christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
