Jokes

[Joey3308]

A small zoo in Alabama had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very agitated and
difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo's veterinarian determined
the problem: the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were
no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their
problem, the park administrators noticed Bubba, a part-time trainee
zoo-keeper, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Bubba, like
most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy
ANY species.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Bubba was
approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the
gorilla for $500?

Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully.

The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to
kiss her. Second, you must never tell anyone about this."

The zoo administrators quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what was his third condition. "Well," said Bubba, "you gotta give me
another week to come up with the $500."

 

[Succulent-one]

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8: 6:00 PM. it started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge snow flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!


December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow

covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did

both our driveway and the sidewalks. 'This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.


December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a

disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely

have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob sayswe'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is

such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life.

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.


December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think, was very cruel.


December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go

anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets

on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm

freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow

blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.


December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.


December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to O. 'The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.


December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snowplow.


December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the #%&*$@ slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.


December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.


December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!


December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb doss he think I am?


December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.


December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.


January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they

keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?





I think that about sums it up.....

 

[Icey*Fire]

"I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my head when we make love, he puts one over his head just in case mine falls off." Joan Rivers

 

[Joey3308]

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said "Give me Liberty, or Give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you ever say anything else I will have you killed." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

 

[Joey3308]

Best collection of Euphemisms on the planet


http://www.starma.com/penis/

 

[Joey3308]

One Christmas Eve, three Irishmen died and approached the Pearly Gates. St
Peter met them and told them to go away and come back the next day, as he
was way too busy with Christmas Eve to attend to them right then. They
pleaded that they had no place to go and for St Peter to let them in.

St Peter said, "OK, if you each can come up with something related to
Christmas I'll let you in."

The first Irishman took out his car keys, and shook them. St. Peter asked
what that had to do with Christmas. The Irishmen said that it represented
the bells of Christmas and St Peter let him in.

The second Irishman took out his keys, but he had one of those little
lights on his chain, and turned it on. St. Peter asked what that had to do
with Christmas. The Irishman said that it represented the Star of Bethlehem
and St. Peter let him in.

The third Irishman reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of woman's
knickers and St Peter asked him what that was all about. The Irishman said,
"They're Carol's."

 

[Joey3308]

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've
known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't
the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you
know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for
his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to
me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I
know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and
called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice,
he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows
me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

 

[Joey3308]

DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get
better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the
present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is
interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have
difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the
shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in
her chest.

FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which
makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE:
A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing
hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to
each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER:
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how
unattractive your date is.

 

[Joey3308]

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes.

The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money." I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living."

The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads:

"HOOKER: Person who has sex for money."

Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door.
"KOALA BEAR: Eats bushes and leaves."

 

[veryblueeyes]

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes.

The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money." I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living."

The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads:

"HOOKER: Person who has sex for money."

Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door.
"KOALA BEAR: Eats bushes and leaves."

NO FAIR!!! Joey baby, I already posted that, but it bears repeating twice. I love that joke.

Real Life Cybersex
---------------------

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost. Where's the bedroom.

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off you glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ... you know ... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

 

[Joey3308]

NO FAIR!!! Joey baby, I already posted that, but it bears repeating twice. I love that joke.

Sorry I had no idea

I liked your story though.....brought back memories

 

[veryblueeyes]

NO FAIR!!! Joey baby, I already posted that, but it bears repeating twice. I love that joke.

Sorry I had no idea

I liked your story though.....brought back memories

Brought back memories my dear? Somehow, I don't see you that way.

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

 

[Joey3308]

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be
rearranged (With no letters left over, and using each letter only once)
into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERN

 

[Succulent-one]

New Years Resolutions You Can keep
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Break at least one traffic law.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Wait around for the next big opportunity.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Create loose ends
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Associate with even worse business clients.
15. Mope about my faults
16. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v233/jack_of_hearts/0406-185.jpg

The pic says it all...

 

[Succulent-one]

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive- compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press

3, 4, 5 and 6.



If you are paranoid- delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

 

[Succulent-one]

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

11. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13 Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.

15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

16. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

17. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

18. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.

19. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

22. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory on your computer.

23. HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

 

[Succulent-one]

one day god was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of his angles and sent the angle to earth for a time. When he returned, he told god, "yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "maybe I had better send down a second angle and get another opinion." So god called another angle and sent him to earth too. When the angle returned he went to god and said, "yes it's true. the earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So he decided to send a letter to the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the letter said?

OKAY, just wondering; I didn't get one either...

 

[Succulent-one]

MATHEMATICS : What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

 

[Joey3308]

Saving Time

A man is eating at an exclusive restaurant when he drops his soup spoon to the floor. His waiter immediately comes up to the table pulls a spoon out of his shirt pocket for the man.

The man takes the spoon and thanks the waiter. Between sips of his soup he akss, "Why do you carry a spoon in your pocket?"

The waiter explains that a survey has revealed that the most dropped eating utensil was the spoon, so now all the waiters carry spoons so they don't have to go to the kitchen and get one. The man thinks that is great.

Later on the waiter again stops by to see if everything was OK. This time the man notices a string sticking out of the waiter's zipper. He asks what that was for, and the waiter says, "When we go to the bathroom, we just grab the string and pull "it" out. That way we don't have to wash our hands, again saving us time.

"Interesting," says the man, "but how do you put 'it' back in your pants when you're done?"

The waiter says, "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use the spoon."

 

[veryblueeyes]

Ok, women... You may get a giggle out of this.

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now .. ..The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer! And heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!

With my next wax strip, I move north.

After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)

I inhale deeply. I brace myself.

RRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind! Blind from the pain! ....... Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums?

OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.

But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone?

Where Could the wax go, if not on the strip?

Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.

I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!"

And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby."

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now Covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.

I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut.

A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to sh!t anytime soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next.

Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong.

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit.

Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

So now I'm stuck to the tub.

I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school So surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's ever good to start a conversation with "So my ass and vagina are stuck to the tub."

She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass. "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call The number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the Internet if you tell them the truth.

"While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to Other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the Hair is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a mustache might start to come in.

Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

 

[Succulent-one]

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT !!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to th e Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff" "Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said
"a Protestant "!!!. "Come here and give your old man a hug!"

 

[Joey3308]

Alcohol Warning Labels

If the government really wants to help they should put useful warning labels on products. For instance alcohol should come with labels warning consumers of these unintended side effects:

1. The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

2. The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

3. The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

4. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

5. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

6. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

7. The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8. The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

9. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

10. The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

11. The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

12. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

13. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

14. The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

_________________________________________

 

[Joey3308]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Jenkins, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the
longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Jenkins," said the
mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge
private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates. The
coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first
person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't
believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, " Jenkins is dead!"

 

[veryblueeyes]

http://www.blueshado.com/deadhamster.shtml