Jokes

[~Dacendaran~]

> >> > > > > > FLAT TUMMY
> > >> > A little boy walks into his parents room
> > >> >to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing
> > >> >up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly
> > >> >dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
> > >> >She dress's quickly and goes to find him.
> > >> >The son sees his mom and asks, "What were
> > >> >you and dad doing?"
> > >> >The mother replies "Well you know your dad has
> > >> >a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top
> > >> >of it to help flatten it."
> > >> >"Your wasting your time" say's the boy.
> > >> >"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
> > >> >"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door
> > >> >comes over and gets on her
> > >> >knees and blows it right back up."

 

[Succulent-one]

Mixing

Don't mix viagra with steroids

 

[alwaysawake]

I got a kick out of this one...a look into our near future (kinda dumb.)

Subject: Big Brother Is Coming (What It May Be Like In The Near Future)

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."

 

[tonitits]

I got a kick out of this one...a look into our near future (kinda dumb.)

Subject: Big Brother Is Coming (What It May Be Like In The Near Future)

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."

roflmao

 

[Succulent-one]

Golden Years

A "Golden Age" couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small
tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
very tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
Oh Yes," she says, "I remember it well." Well," he says, "How about taking
a stroll back there again and we can do it one more time for old time's
sake."
Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a wonderful idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this,
and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this. I'll
just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They
walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking
sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to
the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the
old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman
has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This
goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, Henry!" He's hanging
on to her hips for dear
life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both
collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has
learned something about
life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes
back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, the old
fellow was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As
the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have
been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must
have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[TheOverlord]

Another Priceless pict!!!

 

[mystic_Arrival]

Another Priceless pict!!!

A friend of mine went on vacation to Vancouver for two weeks. He phoned me a few days ago to get my boyfriend to unthaw his pipes of his mobile home as his son hadnt known to leave the water on just a bit when he knew the cold snap was about to hit...that pic though Extremely funny could have been his house instead.

My contribution this morning;

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

 

[DLL]

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
sorry i have a bunch of blonde jokes no offense to all u blondes....

 

[Succulent-one]

Another Priceless pict!!!

LOL That is what my car looks like in Portland Oregon this morning, but I parked outside. So who wants to come and chisel my car off and dig the 2 foot of snow out of the driveway. That is the snow beneath the layer of frozen rain.

 

[TheOverlord]

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys love to do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend.

So, he asked her "What's the matter, baby?"

She gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice from his creator, Gepetto. Pinocchio thoroughly explained the perplexing matter, and Gepetto suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth out" Pinocchio's relationship.

Pinocchio thanked Gepetto for the advice and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for awhile and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio erotic problems.

Some weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some of his wood-working blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio.

Pinocchio was buying up all of the sandpaper that would fit into his shopping cart.

Gepetto remarked: "Wow! It looks like things must be going pretty damn well with the girls."

Pinocchio replied: "Girls, who needs girls?"

 

[Guest]

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys love to do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend.

So, he asked her "What's the matter, baby?"

She gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice from his creator, Gepetto. Pinocchio thoroughly explained the perplexing matter, and Gepetto suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth out" Pinocchio's relationship.

Pinocchio thanked Gepetto for the advice and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for awhile and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio erotic problems.

Some weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some of his wood-working blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio.

Pinocchio was buying up all of the sandpaper that would fit into his shopping cart.

Gepetto remarked: "Wow! It looks like things must be going pretty damn well with the girls."

Pinocchio replied: "Girls, who needs girls?"

ROFLMAO !!!

 

[mystic_Arrival]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Mirror

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The
wife is standing in >front of a full length mirror taking a
hard look at herself.

"You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and
I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs
are barely above my waist, my tush is
hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms
are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says,
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better
about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says,
"Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight!"

 

[TheOverlord]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

lol

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.pianoladynancy.com/funnypics_toons/badcloud.jpg

 

[TheOverlord]

Another priceless moment

 

[Joey3308]

http://mishka.ca/albums/funnies/funnies_27.jpg

 

[Guest]

http://www.imgmag.com/images/jasmine/fillxerxup.jpg

fill 'er up???????

 

[szyc0-1]

A guy is out one night at a local pub. He has a bit to drink and starts to get that tingly feeling in his bladder, by this point it's about all that he can feel. So he stumbles his way into the bathroom and stands in front of a urinal.

As he is pissing all over his shoes another man walks into the bathroom and starts pissing in one of the other unrinals. The drunk guy looks over at the other guy and sees that he is hung like a horse. He can't help himself because of the booze and says, "Man, I've never seen such a big pecker before!"

The other guy confesses, "Oh, you caught me, I'm a leprauchan."

"A leprauchan," exclaims the drunk guy.

"Yes, you caught me. And now I have to grant you three wishes and I get one."

"Oh, how cool! For my first wish, I want a towncar that will never run out of gas, has a driver, and will go anywhere I want."

The leprauchan says "It's outside waiting for you."

"For my second wish, I want $10,000,000 and each it runs out I want $10,000,000 more."

The leprauchan says "It's in the trunk of the car in a suitcase."

"Ok, for my third wish, I want two beautiful women who will do anything that I want anywhere I want."

The leprauchan says "They're in the backseat of the car." And continues, "Now, for my wish. You know, with a dick this big, it's kind of tough to get women to fuck me, so I'm going to do you up the ass now."

So the drunk guy stumbles around a bit, thinks about it hestiantly, and then says "Ok, I suppose that it's worth it."

Next thing you know, the leprauchan is fucking the shit out of this guy up against the sink and the drunk guy says "I can't believe that I'm doing this." and the leprauchan says, "I can't believe that you still believe in leprauchan's."



-j

 

[Guest]

A guy is out one night at a local pub. He has a bit to drink and starts to get that tingly feeling in his bladder, by this point it's about all that he can feel. So he stumbles his way into the bathroom and stands in front of a urinal.

As he is pissing all over his shoes another man walks into the bathroom and starts pissing in one of the other unrinals. The drunk guy looks over at the other guy and sees that he is hung like a horse. He can't help himself because of the booze and says, "Man, I've never seen such a big pecker before!"

The other guy confesses, "Oh, you caught me, I'm a leprauchan."

"A leprauchan," exclaims the drunk guy.

"Yes, you caught me. And now I have to grant you three wishes and I get one."

"Oh, how cool! For my first wish, I want a towncar that will never run out of gas, has a driver, and will go anywhere I want."

The leprauchan says "It's outside waiting for you."

"For my second wish, I want $10,000,000 and each it runs out I want $10,000,000 more."

The leprauchan says "It's in the trunk of the car in a suitcase."

"Ok, for my third wish, I want two beautiful women who will do anything that I want anywhere I want."

The leprauchan says "They're in the backseat of the car." And continues, "Now, for my wish. You know, with a dick this big, it's kind of tough to get women to fuck me, so I'm going to do you up the ass now."

So the drunk guy stumbles around a bit, thinks about it hestiantly, and then says "Ok, I suppose that it's worth it."

Next thing you know, the leprauchan is fucking the shit out of this guy up against the sink and the drunk guy says "I can't believe that I'm doing this." and the leprauchan says, "I can't believe that you still believe in leprauchan's."



-j

lmao !!

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.pianoladynancy.com/funnypics_toons/phonesex.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me
and at this time of year we all could use a little...calm!!! By
following
the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner
peace........the article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished....and before coming to work this morning I finished
off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and
Tia Maria, some valium, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how
freakin good I feel....

You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner
Peace...

 

[alwaysawake]

Sad news...


It is with heavy heart that I must pass on the following news.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a rusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

[tonitits]

Sad news...


It is with heavy heart that I must pass on the following news.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a rusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

shaking my head, that is soooooo bad! Poor Pillsbury Doughboy!

 

[Succulent-one]

Mad Cow

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking
the main cause of Mad Cow disease.

The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the
possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this
disease?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull
mounts a cow only once a year?"

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):" Well, sir, that's a new
piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon
and Mad Cow disease?"

The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about
getting to the point?"

The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was
playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year,
wouldn't you get mad?"