Jokes

[Succulent-one]

A visit to grandparents

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the
porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your pecker is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

 

[Guest]

Re: A visit to grandparents

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the
porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your pecker is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

 

[Guest]

New Year's Resolutions for Pets

1. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

2. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

3. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

4. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

5. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.

7. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

8. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.

9. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

10. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

 

[Joey3308]

Ever wonder what Jack did while he was in the box?
http://www.poddys.com/jokes/Cartoons/jackinthebox.gif

 

[TheOverlord]

A Girl's Prayer...


Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the garden and the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen


A Boy's Prayer...


Lord, I pray for a nympho with big boobs
who owns a liquor store... and a boat.
Amen

 

[Succulent-one]

Texas Proverb

Texas Proverb:


Life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
Life is like a jar of jalapeños.
What you do today
May burn your ass tomorrow

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.poddys.com/jokes/Cartoons/catcondom.jpg

 

[redrider4u]

Re: Texas Proverb

Fill in the blanks for a hot cyber chat

Um, well, I kinda like ya................and I want to......well........


kiss you till you.........____________________

then, when you_______, I want to taste you till you__________

until you__________ while you_________ , even as your chair swings around while you______________

and then I ___________ your____________ as your doorbell rings, as you answer I ___________ behind your__________

and your _____________ while I ____________ and, oh baby, I

__________!!!!!!! while you gasp, baby, "Just _________ me in my_____________ and make me____________ while you_____

Gawd, you are so hot baby, I want to _____________ in your
____________ till we both_______________



handing you a ____________ mmmmmmmmm

"was it good for you_______

"Damn, so I used your sister's name.......really.........."

 

[carrie-on]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: Nov. 01, 2003

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place on December 23,
starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar
and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done
at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at
that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty

==================================================================FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: Nov. 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to
exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that
Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately
not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians or those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present.
No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music
for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty

==================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: Nov. 03, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking
table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a
sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you
wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this?
Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts
exchange are allowed since the union members
feel that $10.00 is too much money and
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

==================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees

DATE: Nov. 04, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that
December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of
Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at
this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill
House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the
party- or else package everything for you to
take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will
that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight
Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert
buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each
will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the
Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress,
no cross-dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a
diet.

We cannot control the salt used in the food we
suggest for those people with
high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for
Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No
Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

==================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Freakin' Employees

DATE: Nov. 05, 2003

RE: The Freakin' Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you
people!!! We're going to keep this party at the
Grill House whether you like it or not, so you
can sit quietly at the table furthest from the
"grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
and you'll get your fucking salad bar,
including organic tomatoes. But you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when
you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm
hearing them scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The "B"from HELL!!!!!!!!

==================================================================
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources
Director

DATE: Nov. 06, 2003

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty
Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to
forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

 

[Joey3308]

Good one Carrie! Sounds like our party. The lady that ran it was old and haggard to start...the party was Sunday, and she hasn't come back to work yet he he

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.poddys.com/jokes/Cartoons/howtomakewomensavemoney2.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.funny--pictures.com/pictures/dysfunction_santa.jpg

 

[alwaysawake]

TOP 20 REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate, it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate, size doesn't matter; it's always good!

 

[Joey3308]

THIS WILL BE MY LAST E/MAIL.

I have felt this coming on for sometime now!

I have decided to join a guerilla force and to fight selflessly
for the liberation of the oppressed populations worldwide.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP ME! THESE PEOPLE NEED ME!

My decision has been made
I have attached a picture of my fellow freedom fighters.

VIVA LA LIBERATION, VIVA!

Please feel free to join me.

 

[alwaysawake]

Here is a game that is funny if the link works...

http://www.yourbigfun.com/games/flushsaddam/

 

[Succulent-one]

Can't make up your mind?

Place an add

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.poddys.com/jokes/Cartoons/mensbiologicalclock.jpg

 

[My Erotic Tail]

sign me up

Im joining joey and his freedom fighters..
SIGN ME UP...VIVA LA....what ever it is..he he
..........................................................................

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Marys!
.....................Art.............................................
@Tail waggin good time / lit / playground

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.funny--pictures.com/pictures/tastes_funny.jpg

 

[My Erotic Tail]

FIRE?

In a small Southern town there was a
"Nativity Scene" that showed great skill
and talent had gone into creating it.
One small feature bothered this guy.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's
helmets. Totally unable to come up with a
reason or explanation, he left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town,
he asked the lady behind the counter
about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me,
"You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
The guy assured her that he did, but simply
couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter
and ruffled thru some pages, and finally
jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in his face she said
"See, it says right here, 'The three wise
man came from afar'."
......................Erotic Art....................................
@Tail waggin good time / Lit / playground

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.funny--pictures.com/pictures/puzzle_for_blondes.jpg

 

[alwaysawake]

US Mint coming out with NEW currency!

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.poddys.com/jokes/Cartoons/singlesbarbodylanguage2.jpg

 

[Guest]

ROFL !!
Thanks for the laughs this morning !!
Happy holidays !!!

 

[Joey3308]

And a very Happy Holiday to you too hon
http://www.poddys.com/jokes/Cartoons/weekend.jpg