Jokes
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Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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Blonde
A guy took a blonde out on a date one night. Eventually they ended up parked at 'lovers point' where they started making out. After things started to progress, the guy thought he might get lucky. After a few more minutes of fooling around, he asked his date, " Do you want to get into the back seat? "
"NO!" she answered.
Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off and the windows are steamed. Things are getting really hot, so he asks again.
"Do you want to get into the back seat? "
"NO!" she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to get into the back seat NOW? " he asks again.
"NO!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not?"
"Because I want to stay up here with you!"
A guy took a blonde out on a date one night. Eventually they ended up parked at 'lovers point' where they started making out. After things started to progress, the guy thought he might get lucky. After a few more minutes of fooling around, he asked his date, " Do you want to get into the back seat? "
"NO!" she answered.
Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off and the windows are steamed. Things are getting really hot, so he asks again.
"Do you want to get into the back seat? "
"NO!" she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to get into the back seat NOW? " he asks again.
"NO!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not?"
"Because I want to stay up here with you!"
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
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- Jan 23, 2002
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Math Help
The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love these Texas women.
The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love these Texas women.
tonitits
MS. T
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- Mar 22, 2002
- Posts
- 25,852
alwaysawake said:Math Help
The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love these Texas women.
She must have been a blonde! roflmao!
alwaysawake
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...looks at toni's blonde roots!tonitits said:
alwaysawake
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Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
The lady asked, "What's that?"
"A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.
"You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
The lady asked, "What's that?"
"A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.
"You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
alwaysawake
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Dumb Golfer Joke...
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you.”
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle!" Finally, the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??" The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you.”
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle!" Finally, the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??" The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"
omahaman2
Here's your sign
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- Nov 16, 2001
- Posts
- 18,171
To help prevent another outbreak of Mad Cow Disease we ask you to
monitor your cows for any of the following symptoms listed below.
If your cow displays any of the following symptoms we suggest you
try the chicken instead...
1) Your cow insists on wearing a little steak sauce behind each
ear as cologne.
2) She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
3) Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4) Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
5) Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a
cow's body.
6) Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7) Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
8) Your cow thought Bruce Seldon would beat Mike Tyson.
9) Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
10) Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job
at Burger King.
11) She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
12) Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, its already got
a cool leather jacket.
13) Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
14) Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position
chanting "MOO" backwards.
15) Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you
started feeding it Hershey bars.
16) Your cow seems to actually enjoy being 'Hogtied'.
17) Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear
something sexy this time.
18) Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells
out "Bullseye"!
19) Your cow starts smoking the cowlick.
20) Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul
Milkbar".
21) Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
22) Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out
its nose.
23) You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of
Chicago.
24) Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
25) Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon, like in
the nursery rhyme, if it got a really good run at it.
monitor your cows for any of the following symptoms listed below.
If your cow displays any of the following symptoms we suggest you
try the chicken instead...
1) Your cow insists on wearing a little steak sauce behind each
ear as cologne.
2) She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
3) Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4) Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
5) Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a
cow's body.
6) Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7) Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
8) Your cow thought Bruce Seldon would beat Mike Tyson.
9) Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
10) Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job
at Burger King.
11) She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
12) Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, its already got
a cool leather jacket.
13) Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
14) Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position
chanting "MOO" backwards.
15) Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you
started feeding it Hershey bars.
16) Your cow seems to actually enjoy being 'Hogtied'.
17) Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear
something sexy this time.
18) Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells
out "Bullseye"!
19) Your cow starts smoking the cowlick.
20) Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul
Milkbar".
21) Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
22) Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out
its nose.
23) You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of
Chicago.
24) Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
25) Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon, like in
the nursery rhyme, if it got a really good run at it.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Doctor's Visit
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
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Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
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- Jul 19, 2003
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http://www.boneyard13.com/esc_skeleton_031[1].gif
A mountain farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a
neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door.
"Is yer pa home?" he asked.
"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied."He went to town."
"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"
"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa."
"Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?"
"No sir, he went with pa and ma."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I
know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa.
It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that,"he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but I don't know how much he gets for Joe."
A mountain farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a
neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door.
"Is yer pa home?" he asked.
"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied."He went to town."
"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"
"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa."
"Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?"
"No sir, he went with pa and ma."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I
know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa.
It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that,"he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but I don't know how much he gets for Joe."
G
Guest
Guest
Why men shouldn't take messages
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
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- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around
in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck
and the noose.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him. OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen
to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough!
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck
and the noose.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him. OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen
to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough!
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
tonitits
MS. T
- Joined
- Mar 22, 2002
- Posts
- 25,852
Investment tips for 2004....
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobile deal and the AOL/Time
Warner implode, be aware of the next expected mergers
so that you can get in on the ground floor and make
some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in
2004:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller
Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers
join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and
Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor,
UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will
become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to
become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of
Women will become: Knott NOW!
That's all for now.....invest wisely!
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobile deal and the AOL/Time
Warner implode, be aware of the next expected mergers
so that you can get in on the ground floor and make
some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in
2004:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller
Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers
join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and
Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor,
UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will
become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to
become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of
Women will become: Knott NOW!
That's all for now.....invest wisely!
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Dr. Feelgood
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.''
''On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.
''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news.
''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.'' The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.''
''Well, all right,'' the doctor said. ''On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.''
''On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.
''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news.
''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.'' The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.''
''Well, all right,'' the doctor said. ''On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''
Last edited:
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked!
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :
Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
ever again.
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :
Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
ever again.
G
Guest
Guest
biggbear8 said:
ROFLMAO !!that's a good one !! (((((((Bear))))))))
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Montana Hooker
Hey baby
Hey baby
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
WOMAN'S PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who's loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks. When
he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to ! hit on my friend.
Amen.
MAN'S PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a boat.
Amen.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who's loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks. When
he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to ! hit on my friend.
Amen.
MAN'S PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a boat.
Amen.
G
Guest
Guest
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
Ouch!xx--jasmine--xx said:
LOLBrian and Cindy Blossom were about to have their first wedding anniversary and Cindy wanted to do something special. She decided to get a tattoo, because Brian thought they were very sexy. She goes to the tattoo parlor and can't decide on a design, so she decides to get Brian's initials BB tattooed on her ass. She gets a B on each cheek. She goes home and waits for Brian to come home. When she hears his car pull into the driveway, she drops her pants, bends over, and grabs her ankles making her new tattoo the first thing he sees when he walks in. The door opens, her husband walks in and with an angered look on his face he yells "WHO THE HELL IS BOB?"
