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Iceprincess12
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Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. Jack got a shock, with a mouth full of cock, to find out Jill's real name was Randy.
JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...
- Thread starter jacktar48
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sarcasticmale
Experienced
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- Aug 28, 2013
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What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
They get to smell it all day but never get to eat it.
They get to smell it all day but never get to eat it.
I
Iceprincess12
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A professor is lecturing a class and says, "Today's lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc." A blonde girl responds with, "How come you can't taste sugar in semen?" The professor says, "Well, sweety, that's because you don't have taste buds in the back of your throat."
jaF0
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...
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
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- Oct 30, 2004
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- 4,034
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!!
The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.
I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!!
The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.
I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
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- Oct 30, 2004
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- 4,034
THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding - invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She said she couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, '"Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter". "Welcome to the family my son."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding - invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She said she couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, '"Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter". "Welcome to the family my son."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
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- Oct 30, 2004
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*Snort*
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Iceprincess12
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Skankstar
Really Really Experienced
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- Mar 16, 2013
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I don't get eeet
Its kind of more wrong than funny. But peoples reactions when u tell it are pretty funny.
It's kind of in the same genre as;
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
The holocaust.
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Iceprincess12
Guest
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
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Iceprincess12
Guest
A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle.
Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?"
The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"
The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"
Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?"
The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"
The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"
greeneyedvirgin
Just Fork Me!
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- Feb 9, 2013
- Posts
- 12,263
The day a teacher had a taste test with her students, she picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the one thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work," the teacher said.
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the one thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work," the teacher said.
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"
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Iceprincess12
Guest
A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.
The e-mail reads:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
The e-mail reads:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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Iceprincess12
Guest
Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed.
He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
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- Oct 30, 2004
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- 4,034
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her scooter and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!'
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!'
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
I
Iceprincess12
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I
Iceprincess12
Guest
Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report.
"There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.
Two days later, they sat down with their cup of coffee and listened the weather forecast.
"There will be two to four inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.
Three days later, they tuned in to the weather report.
"There will be six to eight inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the... ." The power went off.
He said to Martha, "What am I going to do now?"
Martha said, "Just leave the car in the garage."
"There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.
Two days later, they sat down with their cup of coffee and listened the weather forecast.
"There will be two to four inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.
Three days later, they tuned in to the weather report.
"There will be six to eight inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the... ." The power went off.
He said to Martha, "What am I going to do now?"
Martha said, "Just leave the car in the garage."
Bdgirl
Literotica Guru
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- Dec 21, 2013
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- 3,149
This is really funny because I work in a nursing home!
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
The funniest stuff is true stuff!
