JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[L8tnIt]

A West Virginian GoatRoper and his wife walk into the Doctor's office.
"We is lookin' fer Birth Control for my Wife", the man said.
The doctor looks at the two of them, and reaches into his desk. He hands them a cherry bomb.
"Sir, you are to light the fuse & count to 10. After that, I can assure you that your wife will never get pregnant again by you" the Doctor replies.

The couple take it home. The wife examines the cherry cherry bomb carefully and says, "I don't get how this is supposed to prevent me from gettin' preggers?"
"I dunno. But he's the Doctor. Best I do as he sez" the GoatRoper said.

"1. 2.. 3... 4....5..... OK, lemme hold this here cherry bomb with my legs & keep goin'!..."

 

[Bdgirl]

What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Snow balls

 

[Bdgirl]

What do you call Santa Clause after he has been through bankruptcy?
St. Nickleless

 

[thebeesknees]

when your dog is out for a walk or whatever and he sees' a police dog do you think he says "oh shit it's the cops?"

 

[jameslewis]

http://41.media.tumblr.com/cc65591523f24f4fc47d4ddb82e5730d/tumblr_nkuib0HK891tanms6o1_500.jpg

 

[romantic_perv]

http://41.media.tumblr.com/cc65591523f24f4fc47d4ddb82e5730d/tumblr_nkuib0HK891tanms6o1_500.jpg

Haha!

Has this one been posted yet: http://www.humorbin.com/showitem.asp?item=20?

 

[Leigh81]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
Out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

L

 

[Aussie_Wolf]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Aussie who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Aussie smiled and jokingly replied, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

 

[Bdgirl]

How does Jesus make tea?
Hebrews it.

 

[Mooket]

When does a Cub Scout turns into Boy Scout?

When he eats his first Brownie.

 

[Bdgirl]

Did you hear about Willie Nelson dying?
He played on the road again

 

[CanucKinksman]

Mom walked up to her son and says, "hit me with your best yo mamma joke"
Son replies, "I really dont want to say anything specific to grandma"
Mom: "You hit me with your best, I wanna see if my rebuttal is any good"
Son: "idk.... fine .. " and proceeds to use a tired out joke
Mom: "I think I can do better sonny.... yo mamma is so dirty that she blew your daddy, finished him off, and then kissed you before bedtime"

The son begins to cry.

 

[jaF0]

Did you hear about the girl that went to a party where they demonstrated new sex toys?

She left with an uneasy feeling. She didn't know what was eating her.

 

[Bdgirl]

Why don't gingerbread men wear shorts?
Their legs are crummy

 

[thebeesknees]

So this ant tells a grasshopper to go over and kick the old Owl in his left knee cap. After about ten minutes the grasshopper comes back over to where the ant is sitting in the shade drinking a Gin & tonic... the grasshopper tells the ant that owls do not have knee caps. The ant replies that the grasshopper did not approach the owl from the back, that owls have knee caps but they work the opposite that a grasshoppers knee caps work. So the grasshopper goes back over to the owl and again tries to kick the owls knee cap, the owl turns his head and sees the grasshopper and then eats the grasshopper in one big gulp. The ant finishes his Gin & Tonic and then eats the olive in the bottom of the glass, he then rolls over on his side and draws a picture of the golden gate bridge

 

[Iceprincess12]

So this ant tells a grasshopper to go over and kick the old Owl in his left knee cap. After about ten minutes the grasshopper comes back over to where the ant is sitting in the shade drinking a Gin & tonic... the grasshopper tells the ant that owls do not have knee caps. The ant replies that the grasshopper did not approach the owl from the back, that owls have knee caps but they work the opposite that a grasshoppers knee caps work. So the grasshopper goes back over to the owl and again tries to kick the owls knee cap, the owl turns his head and sees the grasshopper and then eats the grasshopper in one big gulp. The ant finishes his Gin & Tonic and then eats the olive in the bottom of the glass, he then rolls over on his side and draws a picture of the golden gate bridge

I don't get it



A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

 

[thebeesknees]

A priest and a rabbi are on a train, sitting in silence. The priest speaks up. "Rabbi, your religion prohibits pork as unclean. In all your life have you really never eaten pork?"
The rabbi replies, "To be honest, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice and tasted it." They sit in silence for a couple minutes until the rabbi looks straight at the priest. The priest says, "I know what you want to say, and yes my faith demands celibacy but I too have given in to temptation once or twice."
The rabbi says nothing for a couple minutes, then peers over his newspaper. "Better than pork isn't it?"

 

[Trouble_maker]

Guy goes to police station asking for a job, the captain says "alright son, take this gun,go out and kill 6 black guys and a chicken."

"Why the chicken?" The man replies.

Captain: "great attitude son, your hired!"

 

[Mayberrygirl]

There were three pregnant young chicks... A Blonde, a brunette and a red head. They were having a discussion about the mythology of getting pregnant and how the position of sex had an influence on determining the sex of the baby..

The brunette insisted that since she had conceived in the missionary position that she was certainly going to have a son...

The red head confirmed her status of having a girl because she was on top when she conceived... She just knew it to be true... No doubt about it!

At this point the little blonde burst into tears and was inconsolable... WTF?? The other two had no clue... After a moment of two the little blonde says... WELL FUCK ... That means.... I'm going to have puppies...

 

[RoyceConnors]

Found out my wife likes edging.
I went to the garage and got the lawn trimmer and told her to knock herself out.

 

[Corbal]

Found out my wife likes edging.
I went to the garage and got the lawn trimmer and told her to knock herself out.

Love it. Very cute.

 

[Trobes]

A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.
"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.
"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."
The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.
The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.
The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"
Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

 

[RoyceConnors]

Love it. Very cute.

Royce original no less, lol

 

[Corbal]

A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.
"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.
"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."
The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.
The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.
The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"
Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

I love really corny jokes. Haha. I'm totally giggling and stealing this one.

 

[Trouble_maker]

What's the difference between being horny and hungry?

Where you put the cucumber.







......Bazinga!