JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...
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thebeesknees
Literotica Guru
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Here is an old one......
What is the politically correct term for Lesbians.......
Vagitarians!!!
What is the politically correct term for Lesbians.......
Vagitarians!!!
Leigh81
Live life 110%
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- Jan 14, 2014
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EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF
SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it
I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy”.
Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink.
Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid
of those fears.
How much do you charge?
Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.
I'll sleep on it, I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having, he asked.
Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money
that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.
Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a
bartender cure you?
He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.
FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
IT"S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!
L
SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it
I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy”.
Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink.
Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid
of those fears.
How much do you charge?
Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.
I'll sleep on it, I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having, he asked.
Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money
that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.
Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a
bartender cure you?
He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.
FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
IT"S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!
L
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
Thank you for finding this thread, the search wasn't working. These were sent to me from a friend.
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty Scousers showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter
said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God
instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes
later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone."
"What All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God. "No" replied Saint Peter "The
Pearly Gates!"
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty Scousers showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter
said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God
instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes
later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone."
"What All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God. "No" replied Saint Peter "The
Pearly Gates!"
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
A scouse girl goes to the local council to claim benefit.
"How many children do you have?" asked the benefit officer.
"I have ten kids." replied the scouse woman.
"Ten?" said the benefit officer, "That's a lot! What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." replied the scouse girl.
"Ummm, do you not get confused with them all having the same name?" asked the benefit officer.
"Nahhh," replied the scouser, "it's great because if they are out in the street playing I only have to say 'Wayne' once and they all come in!"
"What if you want to speak to one of them individually?" asked the benefit officer.
"Oh that's easy," replied the scouse girl, "I just use their last names!"
"How many children do you have?" asked the benefit officer.
"I have ten kids." replied the scouse woman.
"Ten?" said the benefit officer, "That's a lot! What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." replied the scouse girl.
"Ummm, do you not get confused with them all having the same name?" asked the benefit officer.
"Nahhh," replied the scouser, "it's great because if they are out in the street playing I only have to say 'Wayne' once and they all come in!"
"What if you want to speak to one of them individually?" asked the benefit officer.
"Oh that's easy," replied the scouse girl, "I just use their last names!"
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
A man was walking down a street in the centre of Manchester and saw a
Rotweiler attacking an old lady. He immediately ran over to the dog and
started to struggle in which he sustained many bites, but he eventually
he got his hands around the dog's neck and strangled it until it was dead.
A passing reporter commented: that was f@cking
fantastic how you saved that old dears life!, I have to write a story about
this, how about the headline - Manchester United fan saves granny's
life?,
"i'm not a Utd fan" replied the bloke.
"well how about Man City fan saves granny's life"? said the reporter.
"I'm not a City fan either" siad our hero,
" I'm from Liverpool".
"Never mind I know just the headline, you read the paper tomorrow"
said the reporter. The man picks up the paper the following day
to read the headline - SCOUSE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET!!
Rotweiler attacking an old lady. He immediately ran over to the dog and
started to struggle in which he sustained many bites, but he eventually
he got his hands around the dog's neck and strangled it until it was dead.
A passing reporter commented: that was f@cking
fantastic how you saved that old dears life!, I have to write a story about
this, how about the headline - Manchester United fan saves granny's
life?,
"i'm not a Utd fan" replied the bloke.
"well how about Man City fan saves granny's life"? said the reporter.
"I'm not a City fan either" siad our hero,
" I'm from Liverpool".
"Never mind I know just the headline, you read the paper tomorrow"
said the reporter. The man picks up the paper the following day
to read the headline - SCOUSE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET!!
thebeesknees
Literotica Guru
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this is no joke....
Iceprincess12 has got to have the sexiest voice I've heard yet...love it
Iceprincess12 has got to have the sexiest voice I've heard yet...love it
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
this is no joke....
Iceprincess12 has got to have the sexiest voice I've heard yet...love it
Can you make that into a joke? I wanted to laugh more today!
Thank you.
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
There are four kinds of people in the UK :
i. First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on;
ii. Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;
iii. Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.
iv. Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
i. First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on;
ii. Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;
iii. Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.
iv. Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
S
sxydiva
Guest
A woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
dirtwrench
farming on the other side
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- Feb 16, 2004
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- 2,225
As the Viking ship slid into the harbor, the leader shouted out to his men, "Kill all the men!" and a cheer went up from the warriors. "Rape all the women!" and another cheer went up. Then the fearless leader shouted, "And for the sake of all the gods get it right this time!"
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"
dirtwrench
farming on the other side
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- Feb 16, 2004
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A cowboy, a rabbi, 2 blonde Pollack girls, a priest, and an Indian walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
A little boy was in the bath with his mom. The boy said, "What's that hairy thing, mommy?" She replied, "That is my sponge." "Oh yes," said the boy, "The babysitter has got one too. I've seen her washing dad's face with it."
afriquemystique
Literotica Guru
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You forgot to mention he was Scouse...
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
The Penis Study.
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."
I
Iceprincess12
Guest
Scouse was so last week...
Solitaryman54
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2014
- Posts
- 356
A father and his son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his father and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The father (who couldn't think of an answer) told his son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your father tell you to ask me?"
He said that he had. So the stewardess said,
"Tell your father that Southwest always pulls out on time."
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his father and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The father (who couldn't think of an answer) told his son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your father tell you to ask me?"
He said that he had. So the stewardess said,
"Tell your father that Southwest always pulls out on time."
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
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- Oct 30, 2004
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