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JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

Alzheimers is great! You keep meeting all these new people and going to these wonderful new places!


What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? Their wheelchair.


Why is AIDS a miracle? It turns a fruit into a vegetable.
 
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A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks.
"No," the guy says, "she's not that ugly."
 
Two brothers are in a horrendous automobile accident one night.

Bill wakes up in heaven with St. Peter shaking his shoulder. When he realizes the situation he says, "What about my brother Bob? Did he survive the wreck? Or is he around here somewhere too?"

Saint Peter shook his head. "I'm afraid he ended up in the other place. But come with me and I'll give you the tour."

Bill is not surprised as his brother was a notorious wastrel in life, and he follows St. Peter on a tour of heaven. It's nice and everything, but pretty boring, and after awhile he says, "I'm worried about my brother. Could I at least see how he's doing down there?"

"Normally we don't do that, but I guess I can arrange it," St. Peter sighed. He made magical signs in the air and a window opened allowing a view into hell.

Bill looked down and saw his brother sitting in a dimly-lit cocktail lounge. There are liquor and wine bottles scattered all over, and several slinky-looking women are hanging all over him. It doesn't exactly look like he's suffering to Bill.

"Hey!" Bill protested. "This is exactly what he did with most of his life! How is this punishment?"

"It's not what you think," St. Peter explained. "You see all those bottles? They all have holes in the bottoms of them. And those women? They don't."
 
From the show Ray Donovan as told by Jon Voight

What's the difference between acne and a priest??

Acne waits till you're 14 to come on your face. :)

L:rose:
 
How many friendzoned guys does it take to put in a lightbulb?

None. They just stand around and compliment it, then get mad when it won't screw.
 
Halloween joke

Why could Frankenstein not have kids?
Because he had a hollow weinie
 
Halloween joke-kids

Halloween jokes for those of you who have kids...
What do you get if you goose a ghost? A handful a sheet

Why did the skeleton not cross the road? He did not have the guts

Why was the baby ghost crying? She had the boo boo
 
What did the green grape say to the red grape?
breath, man, breath!
 
gross kid joke

How do you get a kleenex to dance?
you blow a little boogie into it
 
If you have an erect 12"dick growing out of the middle of your forehead and you looked up, how much would you be able to see?
you would not be able see anything. Your balls would be in your eyes.
 
gross kid joke

What is green and red and spins at 400 mils an hour?
a frog in a blender
 
I'm going to hell

What is black and white and spins at 100 miles an hour?
a nun falling down a hill

(Please don't kill me for this one)
 
whats black and blue and red all over?

whats her face in my basement.

I shouldn't laugh at that....
 
What did the big smoke stake say to the little smoke stake?
You are too young to smoke
 
Why did the pervert cross the road?
His dick was stuck in the chicken.
 
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.
 
Did you hear about the guy who took a shit in the elevator?
He wanted to take his shit to a different level
 
What do you get when cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A red head with a yeast infection
 
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