JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[NeonSubtlety]

Kleptomaniacs never understand when I'm being sarcastic because they take things, literally.

 

[IamHarrison]

Two women walk into a bar. One turns to the other and asks, "hey, have you ever heard of this bechdel test thing?" The second says, "yeah. My boyfriend was just talking to me about it the other day."

Gonna google bechdel test and come right back.

 

[jacktar48]

Gonna google bechdel test and come right back.

Let me know, please. My connection is slow.

 

[NeonSubtlety]

Whoa, guys. You don't know about the bechdel test? What a bunch of misogynist jerks -- am I right, ladies?!

 

[SweetSam42]

Whoa, guys. You don't know about the bechdel test? What a bunch of misogynist jerks -- am I right, ladies?!

This thread officially fails it.

 

[IamHarrison]

This thread officially fails it.

Hahaha. NOW I get it. Pretty funny.

 

[SherlockianMan]

Two women walk into a bar. One turns to the other and asks, "hey, have you ever heard of this bechdel test thing?" The second says, "yeah. My boyfriend was just talking to me about it the other day."

That's hilarious!

 

[jacktar48]

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/bf/Dykes_to_Watch_Out_For_%28Bechdel_test_origin%29.jpg

 

[jacktar48]

Whoa, guys. You don't know about the bechdel test? What a bunch of misogynist jerks -- am I right, ladies?!

I was wondering if it was some kind of test for a Social Disease.

I guess it is, actually.

 

[Backdoor_Bella]

so there's this homeless guy on a corner and a limo was driving by. the limo stops and the window rolls down and the guy inside says, 'I thought that was you! we went to school together, remember me?' the homeless guy says, 'yeah man, how ya doing? looks like you've for really well for yourself, how'd ya do it?'

the guy says, 'I invented this powder you sprinkle on pussy that makes it taste like strawberries, it's a huge seller!'

the homeless guy was impressed and the guy drove on


a few years later the rich guy was out in his limo when an even bigger limo pulled up and the window rolled down. it was the homeless guy from before and the guy said, 'man! last time I saw you, you were homeless and now you've got an even bigger limo than me!'

the formerly homeless guy said, 'I invented this powder. you sprinkle it on strawberries and it makes them taste like pussy, it's a huge seller!'

 

[Dream59]

so there's this homeless guy on a corner and a limo was driving by. the limo stops and the window rolls down and the guy inside says, 'I thought that was you! we went to school together, remember me?' the homeless guy says, 'yeah man, how ya doing? looks like you've for really well for yourself, how'd ya do it?'

the guy says, 'I invented this powder you sprinkle on pussy that makes it taste like strawberries, it's a huge seller!'

the homeless guy was impressed and the guy drove on


a few years later the rich guy was out in his limo when an even bigger limo pulled up and the window rolled down. it was the homeless guy from before and the guy said, 'man! last time I saw you, you were homeless and now you've got an even bigger limo than me!'

the formerly homeless guy said, 'I invented this powder. you sprinkle it on strawberries and it makes them taste like pussy, it's a huge seller!'

LOL yeah Bella it would be.

 

[DarlingCunt]

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.

 

[jacktar48]

https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=e293444192&view=att&th=1484b4f7ab70ea6c&attid=0.4&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1

 

[jacktar48]

https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=e293444192&view=att&th=1484b4f7ab70ea6c&attid=0.5&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1

 

[fma20fma]

hi

https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=e293444192&view=att&th=1484b4f7ab70ea6c&attid=0.4&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1

jokes are not readable. I see a small square with X mark.

 

[jacktar48]

jokes are not readable. I see a small square with X mark.

Sorry. They're cartoons and you probably can't get them on a portable device.

 

[jacktar48]

Two guys from San Francisco are driving to the East coast and they pick up this cowboy hitch-hiking. They're just entering Texas, and this asshole keeps up a steady stream of BS about how everything in Texas is the biggest and best in the world, until they're about to scream.

Finally one of them says, "We're tired of hearing all your bullshit about how everything in Texas is the biggest in the world. If you say one more thing about that we're going to dump you on the side of the road."

The cowboy shuts up and they ride in silence for awhile before one guy whispers to his partner, "Pull over. Let's show this asshole how big some things grow in California."

So they pull off the road and the driver says, "I got to take a leak."

The other guy says "Me too."

They all got out and the first guy whips it out, and shit, it must be nine inches long. Then the other guy flops his out and damn if it doesn't nearly reach his knee.

The cowboy turns his back, drops his drawers and squats.

The two Village People start to titter. "Look at that! He has to squat to pee like a woman! Is there maybe something in Texas that isn't the biggest?"

The cowboy said, "Naw. It's just my doctor tole me not to lift anything heavy."

 

[jacktar48]

Joe's girlfriend may be a little peculiar, but on the other hand there are benefits that cannot be lightly dismissed so he puts up with it. One day she surprises him with a pair of pet monkeys.

Joe soon finds out that monkeys do not make good pets. Among other things better left unmentioned, they turn out to be male and female, and they're constantly getting it on. It's damned embarrassing when people stop by Joe's place and there are monkeys screwing on the couch, on the table, on the refrigerator, swinging from the chandelier...monkeys screwing wherever you look.

Anyway, after a few months of this Joe is beginning to hate monkeys. Then somehow they get into a box of rat poison, and, so sad, they both die.

Joe has to pretend to be heartbroken, of course, and the girlfriend feels bad and promises to buy him another pair. Joe says it just wouldn't be the same...maybe they should just have the dead ones stuffed to remind him of how much he loved them.

She's willing to go along with that, so Joe takes the bodies to a taxidermist.

The guy looks them over and says, "I never done monkeys before, but I guess I can do it. How exactly did you want them mounted?"

Joe says, "JEEEEZUS CHRIST! I'm so sick of seeing that shit! Can't you just have them shaking hands or something?"

 

[LadyVer]

Lol :d

 

[annabel_lee]

It's silly, but it made me giggle
http://i1075.photobucket.com/albums/w437/hwwannabe/10377247_924357227585289_7017022111592070214_n.jpg

 

[VA_Boy]

A man with difficulty speaking walks into a pharmacy to buy some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist "I zwank mendomits"

The Pharmacist looks puzzled and says "I can't understand you"

The frustrated man points at the shelf behind the pharmacist and grunts.

The Pharmacist says "Sir, I still don't know what you are looking for."

Inspiration strikes the man now. He lays Two dollars on the counter, then whips out his dick, putting it on the counter. The pharmacist whips his out, see that its bigger, and grabs the Two dollars off the counter.

 

[ImagineMe2]

Patient goes to see the Doctor.
Doctor says I have some good news and some bad news which do you want.
Patient says give me the good news.
Doctor says you have a terminal illness and have 24 hours to live.
Patient is devastated, asks Doctor what could possibly be the bad news.
Doctor says, I tried to call you all day yesterday.

 

[Backdoor_Bella]

A man with difficulty speaking walks into a pharmacy to buy some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist "I zwank mendomits"

The Pharmacist looks puzzled and says "I can't understand you"

The frustrated man points at the shelf behind the pharmacist and grunts.

The Pharmacist says "Sir, I still don't know what you are looking for."

Inspiration strikes the man now. He lays Two dollars on the counter, then whips out his dick, putting it on the counter. The pharmacist whips his out, see that its bigger, and grabs the Two dollars off the counter.

this exact scenario happened to me last week. I can't remember if I was the guy or the pharmacist, though.

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

Check your wallet Bella, see if you are $2 ahead of when you went in the store.

 

[DarlingCunt]

A man goes in to see his doctor, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that you have cancer. The worse news is that you have Alzheimers."
The patient frowns, then says. "Well, it could be worse. At least I don't have cancer!"