JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[fraankhardy]

Priest's Retirement Speech

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. The leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was late, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

He commenced with: "Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!"

"I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had affair with his boss's 20 year old daughter, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late.

 

[fraankhardy]

A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the finest single malt scotch.

The bartender sets him up and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot and does the same.

The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?"

And the guy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap ,and the last one always makes me sick!"

 

[fraankhardy]

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:

This bloke should have gotten a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;

Still interested?
Call me at.......

 

[fraankhardy]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi! You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The person behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. And, because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

"You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

The counter person responded, "Yeah, well... You started it."

 

[fraankhardy]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

 

[fraankhardy]

Johnny was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids,when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.

"Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse."

"Oh," Little Johnny said, "OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

 

[fraankhardy]

Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.

First let's take the pace man, pure speed from first to last!
My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.

Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;
He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!

And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap.
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!

Then there's the wily 'slow', pure cunning is his strength;
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.

The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes...

And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.

Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about;
And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out!

We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.

So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And watch the wicket-keeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.

If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;
Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before!

The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.

Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!

So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:
Never Trust A Cricketer, Whoever He May Be

 

[fraankhardy]

Mr. Dickson asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole. Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.

"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little Zero. This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."

"Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.

The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole."

"Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"

"Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Jack meets a call girl on the street.

Jack: Come on Babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks.

Call Girl: Fifteen Bucks? You're crazy? For fifteen bucks, I'll let you look ast it.

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her jeans, and Jack gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter.

He lights his lighter and says: Oh My God, your pubic hair, it's so curly and thick, really beautiful.

She Smiled: Thank You!

Jack: You mind if I ask you a personal question?

Call Girl: Sure, go ahead.

Jack: Can you pee through all that hair?

Call Girl: Of Course.

Jack: Well, you better start because you're on Fire.

 

[fraankhardy]

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".

The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion.

"Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."

 

[fraankhardy]

3 adult ladies have a lunch get together. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and one has been married for 5+ years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

The engaged girl: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then the married one had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

 

[fraankhardy]

At school, Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Catherine, the teacher, asks the students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said, "Paracetamol ?"

"Very good! And what is it used for?"

"It is used for a headache."

The second pupil said, "Restyl."

"Excellent!" said Catherine. "And what it is used for?"

"To help you sleep," replied the student.

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said, "Viagra."

"And what is it used for, Johnny?" asked the surprised Catherine.

"It is used for diarrhoea."

"And who told you this, Johnny?"

"Nobody, but most evenings my mother tells my father... 'Take a viagra, and maybe that shit will get harder.'"

Catherine fainted. Class Dismissed.

 

[fraankhardy]

Rosy was one of those UGLY women, so ugly that it hurt; she had never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.

"Honey!" said the psychic, "You will not have luck in love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.

Rosy left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought 'the sooner I die, the sooner my next happy life begins.'

So she decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Rosy didn't die after she jumped! She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted.

As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well and not knowing where she was, she started touching and feeling her surroundings, feeling all the bananas!

She mumbled with a huge smile on her face and said, "GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!! ONE AT A TIME!"

 

[fraankhardy]

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words, "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

"Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

"Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'

"And so, here we are!"

 

[fraankhardy]

The directors of the company were called in to a chairman's office one by one until only the Company Secretary was left sitting nervously outside.

Finally, it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the other eight directors seated solemnly around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to the company secretary and asked, "Have you ever slept with Miss Foyt, my secretary?"
"No, certainly not."
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.
"Absolutely! I've never laid a finger on her."
"You'd swear to that?"
"Yes, I swear I've never slept with your secretary."
"Great !! Then you fire her......!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Back when Jonny first became engaged to Mary, he spoke to his father, "Mary assures me she is a virgin. How will I know if she is?"

"It's simple, son" replied the father, "On your honeymoon night, when you get into bed, if she's clumsy, nervous, makes mistakes and is not sure what to do, then you can be fairly sure she's a virgin. But if she gives you instructions and tells you what to do, you'll know she's a lying slut who's slept around."

After the honeymoon, father, "How was it Jonny?'

"Just great, Father" said Jonny. "It was just the way you said... and no doubt about it - she's definitely a virgin."

"Was she nervous, son?" asked father.

"She sure was Father" Jonny replied. "In fact she was so nervous and confused that when we jumped into bed, instead of putting the pillow under her head, she was in such a state she jammed it under her arse."

 

[fma20fma]

hi

John and Melissa were in their private plane trying to land in LA when the fog came in, thick as pea soup, and then all their electronics failed. Bad shit.

So they're cautiously circling around trying to find the airport, or even a clear stretch of highway, and suddenly a tall building looms up out of the fog, so close they can see a guy on the top floor standing in an open window.

Melissa opens her window and yells, "Where are we?"

The guy replies, "You're in an airplane."

"OK," Melissa tells John. "I know where we are. Head due east 3.5 miles and we'll be at the municipal airport."

Sure enough, there it is. They land safely and as they walk to the terminal, John says, "How did you know? All the guy said was, 'You're in an airplane.'"

"Well, his answer was technically correct, 100% accurate, and totally useless. So obviously the building was Microsoft Headquarters, and I knew that it was exactly 3.5 miles west of the airport."

some Micro soft guys do have some brains.

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the jungle?

 

[Dream59]

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake in the living room?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch! It was sweet!

OK this one is in the running for the most gross joke. I liked it.

 

[Dream59]

Thanks to FraankHardy for some great laughs.

 

[Bdgirl]

Did you know that Santa Clause is a pimp?
Who else would go through the neighborhood saying "ho, ho , ho"!

 

[jacktar48]

How do you seat four gay guys at a crowded bar?


Turn the last stool over.

That definitely deserves consideration for the Pukey Award.

It may require more intelligence than many voters possess, though, so it will probably only get an Honorable Mention.

 

[jacktar48]

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake in the living room?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch! It was sweet!

This trophy could soon be yours...

http://cdn.trendhunterstatic.com/thumbs/jock-mooney.jpeg

 

[jacktar48]

https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTPPFgrnmHzksUdf45VQXwCQun6PoqWIGnqRcCDzYC-Alc0zdNEuQ

 

[NeonSubtlety]

Two women walk into a bar. One turns to the other and asks, "hey, have you ever heard of this bechdel test thing?" The second says, "yeah. My boyfriend was just talking to me about it the other day."