JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[fraankhardy]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said, "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

 

[fraankhardy]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, They began to chat... The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice, I wonder if you would tell me about this?" he asked pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the Organ, keep it Wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

 

[greeneyedvirgin]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said. "I'm sorry, I was just thinking about my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.....

 

[jacktar48]

Did you hear about the tribe of pygmy Indians they just discovered?

These guys only stand about waist-high.

I've never seen one, but I heard that all their scalps either have holes in them or handles on them.

 

[jacktar48]

A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy.

The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling, "TGIF!"

The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling, "SPIT!"

The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!"

Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out, "SPIT!"

This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed. Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy, "Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?"

The cowboy replies, "Hell ya I know what it means -- 'Thank God It's Friday!'"

The bartender asks the Mexican guy, "Okay, so what does 'SPIT' mean?"

The Mexican replies, "Stupid Pendejo, It's Thursday!"

 

[jacktar48]

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

[Iceprincess12]

Clean jokes



Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

 

[Iceprincess12]

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

[Iceprincess12]

Wise man say, "Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger."

 

[Kat73]

Confucius say man who goes to bed with sex prolem on mind, wakes up with solution in hand.

 

[Iceprincess12]

Confucius say… girl who sit on lap of jockey get hot tip.

 

[jacktar48]

http://www.thirdwave-websites.com/blog/geek-humor.jpg

 

[jacktar48]

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTJ80AtQzJiGr0QSaZSOIx8qNTC947OqYEn6J5JsYa4g_KMbErdmw

 

[jacktar48]

http://image.patriotpost.us/2013-04-09-humor-7.jpg

 

[jacktar48]

https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSCroy44nHdmB1v557MDYa6a81folqos-_MOQNx0zlflqQUrocU

 

[jacktar48]

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/dirty-humor-funny-0.jpg

 

[jacktar48]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT-0TK7My8VocCyC_yqykp1df5YC97zu6C4eVYZyS6y3rjCyEPW_g

 

[Mrtenant]

Our WiFi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage.....

 

[jacktar48]

The Big Bad Wolf caught Little Red Riding Hood in the woods.

"Unbutton your blouse so I can suck your tits!" he snarled.

"Get stuffed!" Little Red Riding Hood snapped as she tugged down her panties. "You're going to eat me like the fuckin' book says."

 

[jacktar48]

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "

I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."

 

[Kat73]

How do you know that you've eaten pussy well?

You wake up and your face looks like a glazed donut.

 

[jacktar48]

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.

One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."

"Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn’t care!"

"You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"

"Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You’re right, he is unshakable!"

The third Englishman said: "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch."

The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said,"I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

The Irishman drained his glass and grinned, "Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me."

 

[PanamaJaxxx]

Confucius say: Man who go through turnstile sideways always go to Bangkok.

 

[jacktar48]

Confucius say: Man who go through turnstile sideways always go to Bangkok.

Cute. Never heard that one before.


https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTDFnj63TWVmO3nrdFqlY1vhZLxhMCtx7QyHGynPcGmdJwGZ465oA

 

[PanamaJaxxx]

The Big Bad Wolf caught Little Red Riding Hood in the woods.

"Unbutton your blouse so I can suck your tits!" he snarled.

"Get stuffed!" Little Red Riding Hood snapped as she tugged down her panties. "You're going to eat me like the fuckin' book says."

Lol gotta love fractured fairy tales...