JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?



Nothing they were both stuck up bitches.

:D
 
Three big rats are in a bar, drinking, bull shitting, and generally trying to impress one another with their toughness.

The first rat slams down a shot of whiskey and says: "When I see a rat trap, I lie down in it, set it off, catch the bar in my teeth, then bench press the fucker 100 times."

The second rat slams down a shot and says: "When I see rat poison, I grind it into a fine powder and put it in my morning coffee so I get a good buzz to start my day."

The third rat slams down his shot and rises to leave. "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
 
A boy came home from school one day, troubled enough to approach his father for advice.

"Dad," he said uneasily, "You know I'm in sixth grade now, and we have to take showers after gym class...well, today I found out I have the biggest dick in my class!"

"That's great, son," the father said absently. "Nothing to be ashamed of there."

"But Dad! They're all laughing and saying it's just because I'm black. Is it just because I'm black, Dad?"

"Well, son, I think it's more because you're sixteen years old..."
 
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay cheque.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

After much yelling about the preacher's children costing the church so much, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God."

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear raincoats."

The congregation said: "Amen!!!"
 
A wife wanted an expensive fur coat from the executive husband to celebrate their Silver wedding anniversary.

The miser overbearing rich husband rejected the expensive but affordable demand, He said, "You grow the hair on your chest and I will give you fur coat to cover it."

The wife was out of control with anger. She pulls up her skirt, drops and throws her panties and pushes her hairy pubic area forward.

She said, "There! I have the hair on my chest, now buy me that damn coat!"

"That's not your chest, that is your pussy!" husband screamed back.

"Oh yes that is my chest all right" she yelled back. "While we were dating this was your chest of hope. We got married and on our honeymoon you used to tease me it was your chest of pleasure. Then I started bearing children and it became your chest of family, and damn it "If you don't buy me that fur coat, it is going to be the community chest of public."
 
Two Old ladies are smoking CAMEL brand cigarettes.

When it starts raining, 1 lady pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Second Lady: What's that?

First lady: Condom, this way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Next day the second lady goes to the chemist and asks for condom. Chemist looks at her strangely (she's over 80 years), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady: It doesn't matter as long as it fits the Camel.

Chemist faints !
 
Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time.

"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.

The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.

When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around.

As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.

The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"

"So?" said his mother, "Don't fucking give him one !"
 
Boss hired a sexy secretary; but 10 days later he committed suicide by jumping from his 27th floor office!!!

Police Inspector, "Who was there at that time in the room?"

Secretary, " was there."

Police Inspector, "What happened? Why did he commit suicide???"

Secretary, "He was a good man. One day he bought me a fur coat for 2,00,000, then he bought me a diamond necklace for Rs. 15,00,000, then he bought me a diamond ring for Rs. 5,00,000. Today he asked me to spend the night with him. I told him I charge just Rs. 500 a night!"

Moral: Investments are subject to market risk, check the market rate before investing!!!
 
A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times.

He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that! We should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
 
Our supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.

"Don't worry, lady," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system:

"Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
 
A husband and wife were very happy over the nine pound baby boy that was born to them. Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of famous newspaper and reported that he had become the proud owner of a nine pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing seemingly extraordinary news, sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown.

When reporter came, Mr.Brown was away and his wife was alone at home....

Reporter: Does Mr.Brown live here?
Mrs. Brown: Oh! yes.

Reporter: Is he in?
Mrs. Brown: No, he went somewhere.

Reporter: Is it true that he owns nine pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: (Realising the joke) Yes! Indeed.

Reporter: Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown: I'm afraid not because Mr.Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.

Reporter: Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown: No, it is quite near and convenient.

Reporter: How many years has Mr.Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown: Just about two years.

Reporter: Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown: Quiet so...

Reporter: At about what time Mr.Brown starts digging?
Mrs. Brown: Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.

Reporter: Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown: You bet....and how he perspires.

Reporter: Is Mr.Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown: He thought he was....

Reporter: How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown: I'm in good position to say so, because I own the place.

Reporter: Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr.Brown?
Mrs. Brown: No, but for present he has the legal title to the site.

Reporter: Has Mr.Brown any helper when he works?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, I work under him....

Reporter: When do you think Mr.Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown: I don't think so because he enjoys working on it.

Reporter: Can I see the nine pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, certainly...

She showed him the nine pound baby boy... The reporter had to be taken to the hospital.
 
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3kg.

The length of a Penis is 3 times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.

Women blink 2x as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

A woman has read this entire text. A man is still looking at his thumb.
 
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. The nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They found her husband and told him what happened, telling him, "As crazy as it sounds, a little oral sex may do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room.

"What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked!"

NEVER EVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.....
 
A young couple is on their honeymoon.

After start having great sex, he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where the heck do YOU think you're going?"

"Nowhere, sweetheart," he says. "Turn over."
 
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
 
In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started peeing. Most unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the "tip."

The pain was unbearable, but he knew a piece of good advice. He went to the farmers house and put his penis in buttermilk. At that moment the farmers daughter came in. With her face red, she stood perfectly still looking at him.

"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.

To which the girl replied, "Yes, but this is the first time I see one being reloaded!"
 
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher was giving a vocabulary lesson. The word of the day was "indefinitely." She asked if any of the children could use it in a sentence.

Little Johnny's hand shot straight up, but she chose another student, "Indefinitely. The clouds stretched indefinitely across the sky."

"Very good, Veronica. How about another, Timmy?"

"I waited in line for the bus indefinitely.

" "Another excellent example. Thank you."

Johnny was really going crazy and finally the teacher decided to call on him, he seemed so much to want to contribute.

"By the way my balls banged against her buttocks I knew I was in definitely."
 
This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.

"This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor," he said, "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, any where and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy."

"We'll see," the therapist said.

He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach. The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.

The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.

"Doctor, what are you doing?!?" he asked.

Flustered, the therapist replied, "Oh, it's you! I'm only taking your wife's temperature!"

The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve. "Well, doc," he said, "when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"
 
2 inches - I can't even hold it, properly.

3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied, in my whole life.

4 inches- I've had bigger than it .

5 inches- Good, but not enough!

6 inches- Almost all right.

7 inches- Can't complain, now.

8 inches - Perfect!

9 inches - A bit longer but manageable.

10 inches- Means pressure on stomach and intestine.

This survey was to understand Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches and not what you were thinking!
 
In a school, A teacher asks the new student her name.

The girl replies, "Happy Butt."

The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?"

The little girl says, "Happy Butt."

The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth.

After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass... Happy Butt, What's the difference?"
 
Bubba's wife was abducted by a gang of kidnappers who were demanding ten grand for her return.

On the phone they said, "If you don't pay by nine tomorrow morning, Winston with the twelve inch cock will help himself to your wife."

Bubba replied, "Put her on so I know you have her."

His wife came on, "Honey, pay the bastards, I beg you, pleaseeee.... but leave it till half past nine or a quarter to ten."
 
A Personnel Director was conducting interviews for his new personal assistant. He asked the same question to each one of them.

Boss: A woman normally has lips on two different places. What's the difference between the two?"
First Girl: One is hairy, the other isn't !

Boss: OK, good.

Second Girl: One can talk but the other can't !
Boss: That's better!

Third Girl: One is vertical & the other is horizontal!"
Boss: Hmm.. clever !

Last Girl: One is for my use & the other is for my Boss!

Boss: You are Hired!!!
 
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