JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[jacktar48]

I have a trophy wife......last place

But hopefully that is awarded to "Miss Congeniality."

I always found this joke to be particularly disgusting. It's an old Ozark special, and I've never heard it anywhere else.

Arlo and Jethro are sitting on the front porch of Mama and Daddy's house, rocking, one evening. Their parents have gone on their monthly trip to town, and will be gone overnight. The boys are strapping 22-year old farm hands, and while their bodies are magnificent, they're maybe a few cans shy of a six-pack, if you know what I mean.

So they're sitting there smoking a little wild-wood flower, and lo and behold! Here comes a little yellow sports car up their rutted and muddy dead-end road.

And the driver is a GIRL! Purty one, too.

The little car gets stuck in the mud right in front of the farmhouse, the wheels spin madly, and then the engine coughs and dies.

She gets out of the car, all upset, and Laws a mercy, if she ain't built like a brick shithouse.

Well, you know how it goes. It's a variation on the old traveling salesman routine. She ends up staying over night, and of course there's no guest room, so she has to share a bed with Arlo and Jethro. Naturally one thing leads to another, and finally she gasps to Arlo:

"You can fuck me, but you have to wear this."

She hands him a condom. He doesn't have the slightest idea what it is, so she explains:

"As long as you wear this, I won't have a baby. So you have to wear it, because I don't want a baby, OK?"

He gets it, and then she gets it. Same thing happens with brother Jethro a few minutes later.

In the morning they harness up the mules and pull her little car out of the mud, then fiddle with the engine until it runs again, and off she goes.

The next month they're once again in their rocking chairs on the front porch, and Arlo turns to Jethro.

"Remember that girl who was here last month?"

"Yup."

"You think she'll be back?"

"Nope."

"Do you care if she has a baby?"

Jethro considered. "I reckon not."

"Then let's take these damned things off!"

 

[wombat9966]

A young man is marrying his bride but is very nervous about his wedding night so he goes to his father for advice.

"Dad we have been dating for a long time but we are both good Christians and we have not done anything wrong. However I am not sure if my wife to be is as 'Pure' as she claims to be. Just how can I be sure."

"Son," his dad says as he claps him on the back, "I have a sure fired solution for you. When she goes to the bathroom to get changed, and she will, I want you to paint one ball blue and the other bright green and wait for her to come out. When she does if she says 'They are the funniest looking balls I have ever seen', Kick her square up the ass and throw her out and we will get this marriage annulled."

 

[jacktar48]

A new young preacher-boy comes to town, and he's single, which causes a big stir. He's knows he's going to have to get married right quick or people will start to wonder, so he looks over the local prospects pretty good and damn if he doesn't fall for slutty little Mary Deana. Let's say she's been around a little. Let's go ahead and admit that she's seen every stiff dick in the county, and never met one she didn't like.

The courtship proceeds apace and by and by he proposes and she accepts and everybody is laughing up their sleeves. He's got a surprise coming to him for sure.

The night before the wedding Mary Deana starts to get a little nervous, and goes to talk to her grandmother. She's worried about the honeymoon, because of course the preacher-boy assumes she's a virgin, which she most definitely is not.

Her grandmother tells her, "Don't worry. Before you go to bed, take a green persimmon and squeeze the juice out, and smear it around down there. You'll be as tight as a twelve-year old. He'll never know he wasn't the first."

They get married Saturday evening and Sunday morning they both show up bright and early for church, with big foolish grins on their faces. The church ladies make all kinds of nosy remarks but Mary Deana is just smiling, smiling, and won't say a thing.

The preacher-boy gets up in the pulpit, and with some difficulty between lips pursed like a pig's ass in fly season, says, "There will me no shermon this morning..."

 

[jacktar48]

Two city-boys drive up from all the way to hell and gone down by Little Rock somewheres, because they want to go fishing. They find the boat dock and rent a boat and the gear and bait they need, and head out onto the lake.

By some wondrous accident, they find a first-class crappie hole, and they're pulling them in right and left, big fat ones.

When they get enough they head back to the dock.

The one guy says, "Damn, I hope we can find that spot again. That was fun!"

The other guy says, "I got that covered. When we were over the best spot, I marked an X on the bottom of the boat so we can find it again."

"You dumb shit! That won't work!"

"Why not?"

"Because we probably won't get the same boat!"

 

[jacktar48]

Beulah May, a city girl, goes to stay with her country cousins out at the farm for a summer, and she's kind of a snot.

She's always telling about how much nicer everything is in the city, and implying that country people are stupid.

Her cousins start to get irritated with her, and one morning Sally June goes out to the barn and comes back with a pitcher of fresh milk.

"Where'd you get that?" Beulah May asks.

"From the cow. You do know how to milk a cow, don't you?"

"Course I do," Beulah May lies. She never much thought about where mile comes from before it goes in the bottle, and she suspects it's all kind of disgusting.

"Good. Tomorrow morning you can milk the cow then."

The next morning Beulah May goes out to the barn with the pitcher and looks at the cow. She has no idea where the milk comes out. She looks underneath and sees the teats.

"Damn, he's got four of them!" she thinks.

After an hour she goes back into the house with the empty pitcher, all sweaty and dishevelled.

"Where's the milk?" her cousin grinned.

"I'll tell you--you got me there. I did everything I know to all four of them dicks and couldn't get a rise out of any of them."

 

[jacktar48]

One evening city cousin Beulah May and country cousin Sally June are sitting out on the front-porch swing, and Sally June whispers,

"Has you ever been diddled?"

"Sure. Lots of times."

"Tell me what it's like."

Beulah May goes into the details, and Sally June's eyes get wider and wider. Finally she blurts out,

"You ain't been diddled! You been FUCKED!"

 

[griffingirl]

"We never eat this part of the dog"

Hilarious

 

[jacktar48]

"We never eat this part of the dog"

Hilarious

The Lakotas take a lot of ribbing about the dog-diet. Good naturedly, for the most part.

When the Lakotas give a barbecue, it's usually BYOD.

Bring your own dog.

 

[jacktar48]

https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSu9MNALHaQKarO7BwvoaFmp3xnwO8SyBo0r0o0BIgaaYvSmuPcdQ

 

[jacktar48]

https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS0A0JiN4Y7URZk2lNDXyU16GrS9Yj2HZsSBip6jIKVJre1Qml0hw

 

[jacktar48]

http://www.clipartbest.com/cliparts/RiA/8Me/RiA8MeriL.jpeg

 

[jacktar48]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRJkiqxFi8GuQDFrFgBnf6R_JXdQj8jmxDRsr4OiH3cU6ToSBgB

 

[jacktar48]

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--ZaBEHkt2kU/UmQKNiJ4AFI/AAAAAAAAAIg/o4Km9-iNShk/s400/jokes+for+kids+(2).jpg

 

[jacktar48]

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRTZyw-nKanEwIrN14UAzLKeftSTNUH4Ocg_Szk1jxGBJbf1ul-

 

[jacktar48]

http://www.jokes-cartoons.com/imagepic/554

 

[jacktar48]

http://www.generalcomics.com/dirty-cartoons-black-humor-pictures/5.jpg

 

[jacktar48]

https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRHdSqf9djbJj1Apc-VOF2Ao3h3J6d-do6K-5Uxkv9pz-eUtAiC

 

[jacktar48]

https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQSak0tzrnHQzjzx6CXZbd5MrjT_YVxAoJKSz-BD2fzP5hOeGgMuQ

 

[Mooket]

When is a Cub scout turns Boy scout?

When he eats his first Brownie!

 

[jacktar48]

This lonely old guy one morning notices that his dick is turning a nearly fluorescent orange color. (You can assume that he doesn't see his dick frequently...there's something blocking the view.)

He tries to wash it off, and that doesn't help, so he goes to see the doctor.

The doctor has never seen anything like it, so he does a bunch of tests, which are all negative, and sends him to a specialist.

The specialist examines him. He's never seen anything like it either, and decides it must be some new kind of VD.

"I don't know exactly what this is, but just in case it's sexually transmitted, I'm going to have to get a list of all your recent sexual partners," he tells the man.

"Sexual partners? Hell, I haven't been with anyone in years. All I do is sit around watching porno films and eatin' Cheetos."

 

[ndoorfin]

what's the difference between a chick pea and a black eyed pea


I have never paid to have a black eyed pea on my face

 

[Kat73]

Did you hear about the kidnapping?

It ended when he woke up.

 

[VA_Boy]

She offered her honor
He honored her offer
All that night he was on her and off her

 

[Dream59]

Great jokes everyone. Thanks for the laughs.

 

[vedette]

2 peanuts walked into a bar...

...1 was assaulted.